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Skiddley Whiffers/Transcript

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(Song: Skiddley Whiffers)
Ahh...
Hey, what's the new game that your friends all wanna play?
Skiddley Whiffers!
Totally over when you hear somebody say...
Skiddley Whiffers!
It's every bit as great as we have advertised
If you don't own a copy, you'll be ostracized at school
Skiddley Whiffers is cool (Skiddley Whiffers is all you need)
Skiddley Whiffers is cool (Skiddley Whiffers is guaranteed)
Skiddley Whiffers is cool (Skiddley Whiffers is all you need)
Skiddley Whiffers is cool
Skiddley Whiffers!
Announcer: Your parents played it, but now you can too!

(Cut to Flynn-Fletcher household, where Candace, Phineas, and Ferb are playing Skiddley Whiffers)
Candace: Skiddley Whiifers is the best game ever! And HA! (Rolls a double 5) That brings me out of the mud pit, into the car wash, through the terrible tower, and uh oh, Roll Again! Yes! Double kings, baby! Excuse me. Here comes the big finish. Bing! Bing! Bing! Victory bell! I've broken the winning streak. (Slaps her own rear end) Oh, that feels good! You wouldn't know about that because YOU lost! I am the Queen of Skiddley Whiffers! Who is the queen? I am the Queen!
Phineas: It sure is nice to see Candace happy.
Candace: I mean, seriously, we've been playing this game for what, six years? And look, I've won 19 out of 24 games this year. The last 12, in a row, it's like Skiddley Whiffers wants me to win. Consequently, you two lose! [hits bell] Over, and over, and over again. Skiddley Whiffers is too easy! I need to move on to a bigger challenge. (leaves)
Phineas: A bigger challenge? Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?

(Scene shifts to the music room. Perry walks up to a guitar, puts on his fedora and plays his theme song. The stereo tilts revealing a hole, and Perry jumps into it. He lands in his lair, in which a party is being held)
Major Monogram: Happy nine hundredth and ninety ninth lair entrance, Agent P! To commemorate this joyous occasion, we like to present you with this souvenir t-shirt.
(a t-shirt with Carl's face on it appears)
Carl: I made it myself! (gasp) I'm gonna go print up some more! Yay! Hmhm! (leaves)
Major Monogram: Just wear it for the day, it's good for his self-esteem. (reveals he is also wearing the shirt) Uh, Doofenshmirtz has been spotted en route to Danville National Park. So, I guess for you it'll be a walk in the park. Haha, 'cause you're going to the park. Where Doof is.
(long pause)

Doofenshmirtz's minibus camping van!
Doofenshmirtz: Alright everyone, we're here. Let's unpack so we can get a head start.
Vanessa: "We"? Shouldn't you be off playing with your little platypus friend?
Doofenshmirtz: What? And -- and leave my little girl all alone in the wilderness? No way!
Vanessa: Dad, I'm not your little girl anymore. Look at me, I'm sixteen years old! Sixteen!
(Doofenshmirtz stares at her, switch to his perspective of her as a little girl)
Young Vanessa: That's practically an adult! But, you still treat me like I'm a little kid!
(switch back to reality)
Vanessa: (sigh) I just need some space, that's all. Ar -- are you even listening to me?!
Doofenshmirtz: But Vanessa, what if there were a blizzard or an earthquake and -- and be with no one to take care of, not even kindly ocelots, like I had.
Vanessa: Dad!?!
Doofenshmirtz: Uh, I - I could be at that campsite right over --
Vanessa: Go home!
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, pumpkin. Stay safe. But what if --
Vanessa: GO!
(Doofenshmirtz boards the minibus and drives away)


(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)
Phineas: We suppose you're wondering why I called all of you here today.
Buford: Yeah, actually, we were.
Phineas: (closes eyes and extends arm, similar to Candace) Ferb?
(Ferb unveils a mechanical nose, fedora, hairdryer, shoe, truck, and unicorn)
Phineas: Ta-da!
(pause)
Buford: That's not clearing anything up for me.
Isabella: I don't care what it is, the hairdryer is mine.
Candace: (runs out) Alright! Nobody move! You two! You think you can just make giant...thingys for all the world to see? Well, no, sir! I'm gonna put the bust on you, but good. (runs off) Mom! Mom! Mom! Phineas and Ferb are making some giant --
Phineas: (over) So in this giant version of the classic game Skiddley Whiffers...
Candace: (comes back) Wait. Did you say "Skiddley Whiffers"?
Phineas: Giant Skiddley Whiffers, yes.
Candace: Giant Skiddley Whiffers?!? That is so bustable! And yet, so tempting. And yet, so bustable! And yet, so tempting.
Phineas: Wanna play?
Candace: Yes! I'm the sneaker!
Buford: I get dibs on the truck!
Isabella: (in the hair dryer) Boo-ya!
Phineas: I claim the fedora, and Ferb picks the nose!
(rimshot, camera pans to Baljeet sitting angrily on the unicorn)
Baljeet: You know, real unicorns are pink. I am just saying.
Phineas: Our gameboard today will be Danville itself, where rich architectural heritage and natural wonders will provide the thrills. And the first player back home wins. And we don't even have to do any work; just roll a number on this electronic die and the game pieces will automatically move that many spaces across Danville.
Candace: Yeah, yeah, let's get this party started! Lob it over! (she catches the die, "6" appears on it) Six! So long, losers. (her sneaker moves) One, two...
Baljeet: When do I get to go? (the die hits his head) Oh! (he catches it, it says "1") It is going to be a long day.

(In the forest...)
(Song: Poison Sumac)
Johnny: Nature is our mother! Yeah, the trees are great!
(Doofenshmirtz walks by, dressed as some sort of hippie tour guide)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, groovy dudes and dudettes. How's it hangin'? Wanna try my seven-layer bars? Man?
Johnny: Uh...
Vanessa: Uh, hey there, strange man I've never met. What brings you to our campsite? And how soon can you leave?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I was just passin' by, you know, communing with nature and all, like, you know us, us hippies do it, a-and I thought, you dudes might wanna few groovy pointers from an old pro.
Vanessa: Actually, we're doing just fine.
(Doofenshmirtz dumps a pail of water over the fire, extinguishing it)
All but Vanessa: Hey!/Man!
Doofenshmirtz: You know, fire is the leading cause of fire. Oh, woah. Is that a Puttmaster 3000? (runs up to Lacie's tent) I love these babies, they're -- they're so far out. They almost never collapse and...suffocate you while you sleep. But you know, (pulls out a book) Tri-State Almanac says, they should be at least twenty feet from running water, (measures the distance of Lacie's tent and the water) and yours is an inch too close, maaaan.
Lacie: Seriously?
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, and-and you need to tie up your food or you're gonna attract bears, (puts all the food in a bag and throws it on a rope onto a tree branch, making the picnic table hang) which would make it extremely difficult to, hang loose and, be groovy. I've got lots of other righteous camping tips, but first, I need to get some life vests out of my van.
Johnny: Woah, that guy was totally freakstyle.
Vanessa: You have no idea.

(Downtown, Phineas and the gang are playing the game, a Quirky Worky Song version of the Skiddely Whiffers theme plays)
Phineas: Yeah! (catches die, it says "5") My third favorite number!
(He rides up a clock tower, pops out of the clock face and bounces across the power lines, he tosses the die to Candace)
Candace: (gasps, catches die, it says "21") Seven trade, baby! Feel the breeze! (bounces past Baljeet on his unicorn, chained to a cannon ball)
Baljeet: Only because I ruled leg irons!
Candace: Spoken like a true lose-ah! (tosses die to Ferb) Next suck-ah!
(Ferb catches the die, it shows a construction helmet. Ferb puts on the said helmet and bounces on a rising girder whilst tossing the die to Isabella. She catches it, it says "SHARE A TURN". She presses a button on her hair dryer, causing balloons to appear and fly her piece over to Phineas on a bridge)
Isabella: Hey, Phineas. What'cha doin'?
Buford: (wearing a monocle and beard) Hey guys, how much longer do I wear the beard?
Phineas: Until you roll a "shave".
Buford: Awesome!
Phineas: But, what's with the monocle?
Buford: It's an affectation, leave it alone.

(Back in the forest, Doofenshmirtz goes to the van and opens the trunk)
Doofenshmirtz: Let's see, bandages, bug spray, shoulder pads, (Perry arrives via helicopter) and -- oh, hey man, nice threads. Sorry, no scheme today, I'm just secretly overprotecting my daughter while she's camping with some friends. It's dangerous out here, Perry the Platypus, and I should know. (He begins a flashback) You see, back in Gimmelshtump in my youth... WHen I was camping, I had an incident with a swarm of bees. I only got one sting, but it did a lot of damage. (Doofenshmirtz is seen falling off a cliff, through thorn bushes, and a fire hydrant field) I still have a hydrant stuck in my leg, see? I'd have it removed, but the doctors say it's too close to an artery to operate. (Perry stares at Doofenshmirtz) That kind of thing happens all the time in the woods! Alright, maybe I'm over reacting. Actually, it;s really just a beautiful pastural setting. There's probably nothing to--
(Candace smashed Doofenshmirtz van as she continues her turn)
Candace: Whoo-Hoo! Sorry dude!
Doofenshmirtz: Huh? You see? You see how dangerous it is out here? You've got to help me over protect my daughter. Please? Please? Please? Oh great! I know just what you can do!

Johnny: Poison sumac! Oi! Oi! Oi!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey brothers and sisters, I'm back with this industrial size first aid kit, and this state of the art security system. Not to mention-- (and grabs a stick) Too sharp! (He dulls it down, then returns it) Righteous. (shoos birds away from Lacie) Quarantine! (puts helmets on Johnny and Vanessa) Acorn helmets. Better safe than sorry!
Johnny: Uh, he's a little excitable, isn't he?
Vanessa: Yes. Yes, he is.
Doofenshmirtz: You have to leave! It's not safe here for little kids, I mean for practically adults. Flee! Back to the city, away from danger!
Vanessa: Like what?
Doofenshmirtz: Like that!
(Perry comes out of the bushes dressed in a bear suit)
Doofenshmirtz: See?
Vanessa: All right, that's enough! Really Perry? Really?! I expect more from you. And you, Dad!
Doofenshmirtz: But how did you...
Vanessa: Oh please, you come out here jumping around with your costume, and your lame book, and it's... it's just humiliating, Dad. I'm not a little girl anymore.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, you're my little girl
Vanessa: I know, I know, but all I want to do is have a good time with my friends, and you just keep popping up. It's like you don't trust me.
Doofenshmirtz: (He sighs) You're right. I'm sorry I got in your way. I know you can handle yourself, Vanessa. (He walks away sadly with Perry) C'mon Perry the Platypus. Maybe there's still time for a scheme today. I won't even trap you. You can just start beating me up right away.
Johnny: Wait! I thought your dad was a pharmacist.

Doofenshmirtz: (sighs) She's right, Perry the Platypus, I've been smothering her. You know, it's just so hard to let go, as a parent. But I'm going to turn over new leaf though, I can tell you that. No more worrying, no more disguises, (takes off hippie costume) no more rules! (tosses Tri-State Almanac over shoulder)
(The Tri-State Almanac hits a beehive, causing it to fall and release the bees)

(Scene cuts to everyone outside the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Phineas: We're almost at the finish! Well, most of us.
(Widen to reveal Candace in the dust)
Buford: Ha ha! She'll never win now!
Candace: They're right, I could lose. But I can't give up now! I'm the queen of Skiddley Whiffers. And I'm not gonna let anything break my streak. NOW TOSS ME THAT DICE!
Baljeet: The singular is "die"! (tosses die)
Buford: Wow, that was uncalled for.
(Candace cringes in fear as she sees the die fly through the air. She closes her eyes and extends her right arm out and catches the die. It shows two crowns; she looks over at it and smiles)
Phineas: Wow, twice in one day!
Ferb: Skiddley Whiffers is a cruel mistress; cold and unforgiving.
(Song: Skiddley Whiffers (instrumental))
Candace: (jumps to the front) Woo-hoo! Take that, losers!

(Back in the forest...)
Doofenshmirtz: (sighs) You know, I tried to be a good parent, but sometimes it's -- (Vanessa screams in the distance) VANESSA!
(Vanessa and the goth back away from the bees)
Vanessa: Anybody else allergic to bees?
Lacie: Me.
Unnamed goth boy: I am.
Johnny: All of us? What are the odds?
(Doofenshmirtz gets in front of them)
Doofenshmirtz: YOU LEAVE MY BABY GIRL ALONE!
Vanessa: Dad?! What are you doing here? It's dangerous!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: (sarcastically) Really? I hadn't noticed! (to the bees) Alright, bees. You like honey, don't ya? (pours honey from the hive all over him) Come and get it! Come on! (runs off)
Vanessa: Dad!
Doofenshmirtz: Excuse me, Perry the Platypus! (jumps into the lake)
Johnny: Wow. Your dad is totally psychotic.
Vanessa: Yes. Yes, he is.

(Scene shifts to the backyard)
(Song: Skiddley Whiffers (instrumental))
Candace: (rings the victory bell) Woo! Thirteen wins in a row! Yeah, baby! (takes victory bell off its string and shakes it) Ding, ding, ding! A victory bell!
(the rest of the gang arrives)
Phineas: Nice game, Candace!
Candace: Yeah, for me! (throws victory bell upwards) Woo! (kicks it, picks up die) I totally creamed you guys in that game. And now, I'm gonna bust you for it.

(Candace runs into the kitchen, die in hands and eyes closed)
Candace: Mom, Mom, Mom! Hey, look what Phineas and Ferb built!
Linda: You're right, Candace. Call the authorities, it's a cube!
Candace: (takes her arm) No time for sarcasm, move! (drags her)
Linda: Candace, watch where you're going!
Candace: (trips on victory bell) WHOOAAAA -- OH!
(the die bounces twice, finally landing in the sneaker. It says "ALL MOVE")
(Song: Skiddley Whiffers)
Electronic voice: All players advance.
(the following lyrics have dialogue over them)
Skiddley Whiffers is cool (Skiddley Whiffers is guaranteed)
Skiddley Whiffers is cool (Skiddley Whiffers is all you need)
Skiddley Whiffers is cool
Phineas: Skiddley Whiffers, the game that keeps on playing.
(all the pieces bounce out of the yard)
Skiddley Whiffers!
(They disappear just as Candace brings Linda out)
Candace: (with her eyes closed) Look!
Linda: (flatly) And I'm supposed to see...?
Candace: But, but, but, but...
Linda: So boys, do anything special today?
Phineas: We played Skiddley Whiffers, and Candace played with us.
Linda: Oh, how sweet. (to Candace) Candace, did you have fun with your brothers today?
(long pause)
Candace: Yes. Yes, I did.

(Scene shifts to the forest late that night, Doofenshmirtz is roasting marshmallows with Vanessa; he is covered in bee stings)
Doofenshmirtz: Thanks for pulling me out of the water, Perry the Platypus. But...this shirt's a little snug, are you sure you don't anything bigger? (pause) Nothing? Hm? (another pause) Be careful with those marshmallows though, seriously. (to Vanessa) D-do you know how many s'more related accidents happen each year in this country alone? Do you? (the pieces jump on the mountains in the distance while the Quirky Worky Song version of the Skiddely Whiffers theme is heard) Uh, I -- don't, but admit it's a lot.
Vanessa: (somewhat unthrilled) Dad...

End Credits

(standalone broadcasts and pairing with Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon only)
(Song: Perry the Platypus)
He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action!
(Dooby dooby doo-bah) (X2)
He's a furry little flatfoot, who'll never flinch from a fray-ay-ay!
He's got more than just mad skill,
(Wah-ah-ah)
He's got a beaver's tail and a bill!
(ah-ah) And the women swoon whenever they hear him say!
(Perry chatters, women faint)
He's Perry! Perry the Platypus!

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