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Split Personality/Transcript

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(Scene opens in Candace's room, where she's calling Stacy Hirano and cutting some pictures)
Candace: I don't know, Stacy, between busting my brothers and trying to make Jeremy my boyfriend in time for school, I just can't seem get anything this summer. Like my "Jeremy and Me" scrapbook. I mean, I have cute pictures of Jeremy and cute pictures of me, but no cute pictures of both of us being cute together! It's a real problem. But time to check on Phineas and Ferb!
(She uses a pair of binoculars to spy on Phineas and Ferb)
Candace: Standing around, dorking it up, boring. There's just too much for one person to do. If only there were two of me, one to bust my brothers and one to be with Jeremy.

(Cut to the backyard, Buford is carrying Baljeet like luggage)
Buford: Look what Baljeet did to my candy bar. He got peanut butter on my chocolate. Look at this mess! Look at it! (shoves the candy bar in Phineas's face)
Phineas: Buford, peanut butter and chocolate are really good together.
Buford: I don't wanna taste two things at one time! It's unnatural.
Phineas: Well, you're in luck. We just finished our Molecular Separator. It's our cool new machine that breaks things down into their components parts. We used it to separate a mule into a horse and a donkey. And to separate shampoo plus conditioner into shampoo and conditioner. Ferb?
(Ferb places the peanut butter-chocolate on a stool and shoots it with a machine. The peanut butter-chocolate turns into a jar of peanut butter and a chocolate bar.)
Buford: Witchcraft!
Phineas: Try it.
(Buford takes the chocolate and eats it)
Phineas: Well?
Buford: Singular goodness. (To Baljeet) Why don't you grab your peanut butter and your swimsuit and meet me at the flagpole. (He and Baljeet walk away.)
Phineas: Come on, let's see what else we can separate.
(Phineas and Ferb walk away. Perry is seen pressing a stone which opens a hatch which he jumps down in. He lands in his lair.)

Monogram: Agent P, Doofenshmirtz has been seen at the Danville public pool, installing some kind of new device. We need you to get there immediately. Good luck, Agent P.
(Agent P salutes and then hurries away)

(Back at the backyard, Candace runs out from the house)
Candace: Those kids are so busted! All I have to do is bring this to Mom. (tries to lift it) Wow, it's heavier than I thought.
(She accidentally shoots herself with it, creating two different Candaces)
Busting Candace: MUST...BUST...PHINEAS AND FERB.
Romantic Candace: Ah, Jeremy.
(They look at each other)

(At the public pool, Doofenshmirtz is seen in a line for a high dive)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, I'm glad you're here. I'm just in line for the high dive. You see, it reminds me of the high dive I knew as a kid at the Gimmelshtump Public Wetness Maker.

Doofenshmirtz: (Narrating) It wasn't so much of a pool, as it was just a...we'll just say that it only had water in it on alternating Thursdays, and leave it at that.
Anyhoo, in Gimmelshtump, the high dive was an important rite of passage.
Heinz's Father: Are you a man or a schnitzel?
Young Heinz: I'm a man, I'm a man.
(Young Heinz climbs up the ladder, lays on the top and looks down in fear)
Queuing man: Das kind ist ein schnitzel. (That kid is a schnitzel!)
(He and other queuing men laugh)
Doofenshmirtz: (Narrating) With all those people looking and laughing at me, I-I just couldn't do it.
Heinz's Father: Ich habe keinen sohn. (I have no son.)
(Young Heinz sadly follows his father away from the pool)
Doofenshmirtz: (Narrating) After that, my father and I became increasingly distant.
Heinz's Father: Zu nah! (Too close!)
(End flashback)

Doofenshmirtz: Now, I will conquer my fear and jump from the high dive. But you know, I still don't want any of these people to look at me and make fun of me. So I invented the Look-Away-inator! You'd think it would attract a lot of attention at a public pool, but so far no one's noticed it. It must be leaking or something.
(Multiple people walk by and gets hit by the leak, looking away and falling into the pool)
Doofenshmirtz: Anyway, when I do my man making dive, you can bet that no one in the Tri-State Area will be looking. Sure, it may be tough for people who happen to be driving, plus, brain surgeons might have a problem too. But it's really a small price to pay for me becoming a man, right?
(Agent P glares at him)
Doofenshmirtz: You're right. I gotta trap you.
(Some life-rings drop down on Agent P, trapping him)

(Back at the house, Romantic Candace is decorating her room)
Romantic Candace: Romance! lalalalala! It's a Jeremy bedroom.
Busting Candace: O. M. G.
(Busting Candace pulls out her phone and calls Linda)
Busting Candace: Mom, Phineas and Ferb made me!
Linda: Um, I've got some stretch marks that would say otherwise.
Busting Candace: No, I mean, they split me in half. Well, not like I'm cut in half, but they've made another me. Hear for yourself.
(Busting Candace gives the phone to Romantic Candace)
Busting Candace: It's for you.
Romantic Candace: Hi Jeremy!
Busting Candace: Not Jeremy, it's Mom.
Romantic Candace: Oh, hi Mom. Here's Candace.
Busting Candace: See?
Linda: (from the phone) That was a very nice imitation of yourself, Candace. Love ya, bye.
Busting Candace: No, wait! Hello? Grrrrrr.

(Phineas and Ferb walk by)
Phineas: Hi Candace, and hello to you, Candace.
(Phineas walks back)
Phineas: Uh-oh. Okay Ferb, change of plans.
Busting Candace: You need to focus on what's important, you touchy-feely ninny!
Phineas: Hey, guys, so it appears there's been a little mishap. Let's say we fire up the ol' Molecular Splitter in reverse and...
Busting Candace: Forget it! I've only got one thing on my mind, and that's busting you! I'm going to the mall to get Mom.
(She runs out of the room)
Romantic Candace: Wait for me!
(She runs after her)
Phineas: Well, I guess I know what we're gonna do today.

(At the Googolplex Mall, the two Candaces run through the doors)
Busting Candace: Gotta find Mom.
Romantic Candace: Gotta find Jeremy.
(They run off in opposite directions)

(Song: Me, Myself and I)
Candace: Me, myself and I
Don't see eye to eye
Me, myself and I
Don't get along
Me, myself and I
Can finally say goodbye
This collaboration always felt so wrong

Busting Candace: There's two of us on the scene
And I don't wanna sound mean
But I'll tell you that I'm happy without me
I've been holding me back
But now I'm on my own track
We're done. Finito! I'm free!

Romantic Candace: From here on out
We can both exist peacefully
Without all of this struggle and internal strife
Busting Candace: (Internal strife)
Romantic Candace: Now that we're separate, we can do anything
So don’t let the door hit you
Have a nice life
Busting Candace: (Have a nice life)

Busting Candace: I'm through with myself
I’m better off without her
Romantic Candace: (Myself and I)
Busting Candace: I'm through with myself
I'm better off without her
Myself and I
Don't get along
Romantic Candace: (Without her)

(Romantic Candace walks up to Linda who's at a glasses kiosk)
Romantic Candace: Hi, Mom. Have you seen Jeremy?
Linda: Doesn't he work over at that hot dog stand?
Romantic Candace: (dreamily) Oh, yeah.
(Romantic Candace leaves happily and Busting Candace comes up while Linda's trying on another pair of glasses)
Busting Candace: Mom, Mom! Have you seen me?
Linda: Well, I see you right now. Weren't you looking for Jeremy?
Busting Candace: No.
(Busting Candace leaves angrily)
Glasses Seller: Wow, twins. That's a handful.
Linda: What?

(Back at the public pool, Doofenshmirtz is now first in line for the high dive. He looks at the top nervously as he sees a bird crash into it. He looks to the man beside him.)
Doofenshmirtz: You can go ahead if you want. I'm not in that much of a hurry.
Man: (knowingly) Uh-huh.
Doofenshmirtz: Have fun up there. (chuckles nervously; looks to the kid next in line) So...
Kid: Don’t talk to me, Mister.

(Cut back to the mall, at Slushy Dawg where Jeremy is working)
Jeremy: There you go, little guy.
(Busting Candace walks up)
Jeremy: Hey, Candace.
Busting Candace: Have you seen Candace?
Jeremy: Well, I can see you right now.
Busting Candace: No, no, no, no. Not "me" me. The "me" that isn't me.
Jeremy: (Confused) Uh...
Busting Candace: You know, "blah-blah-blah. Jeremy is so amazing. Hearts, rainbows, and unicorns, blah!" That me.Jeremy: (Confused) Well, gosh. I guess I could say, yes, I have.
Busting Candace: Where?
Jeremy: (Scared) Nowhere. I mean, not today.
Busting Candace: Ugh! Well, if I come back and I have a flower in my hair, you tell me. Find Candace, find Mom. Bust, bust, bust.
(She runs off and Jeremy turns around before Romantic Candace walks up)
Romantic Candace: Hi, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Uh, hey, Candace. You have a flower in your hair.
Romantic Candace: (chuckles) I know.
Jeremy: Okay, you're kinda scaring me.
Romantic Candace: (sighs contentedly) I could just stare at you all day long.
Jeremy: Listen, I gotta get back to work, but if you like, I can swing by your house after I'm done.
Romantic Candace: Really? I would love that!
Jeremy: Okay then, I'll see you after work.
Romantic Candace: Something to remember me by? (points to her cheek, smiling)
Jeremy: Okay.
(Jeremy leans over to kiss Romantic Candace and she smiles more before she's pulled away by Busting Candace, leaving Jeremy alone)
Jeremy: Okay, maybe later.
(Phineas and Ferb walk up)
Phineas: Hey, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Hey, guys.
Phineas: Have you seen Candace?
Jeremy: Yeah, she was just here.
Phineas: Was she talking about busting or was she oogling over you?
Jeremy: Uh...both. She said something about going to find the "other Candace" and-and Mom and then she went all wild when I mentioned stopping by tonight.
Phineas: Great! So if we just find Mom, we'll find both Candaces.
Jeremy: (Confused) Uh, tell them I say hi.
(The boys leave)

(Back at the public pool, it's Doofenshmirtz turn for the high dive but he simply stares up instead of going)
Kid: Mister, come on. It's your turn. Are you some kind of a schnitzel?
Doofenshmirtz: I am a man! Not a schnitzel. (Climbing up the high dive) I will prove it right now! (scoffs) Nobody calls me schnitzel anymore! I bet he doesn't even know what it means the little... (He reaches the top) Hey, hey, wait a minute. This isn't as bad as I's so much worse! (Clings onto the diving board)
Kid: (Flatly sighs) Schnitzel.

(In the clothing store, Linda is trying on an outfit inside a changing booth when she hears Busting Candace)
Busting Candace: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! She's here! I have Candace here with me! Come out and look for yourself!
(Linda sighs and comes out of the changing room)
Busting Candace: See? (Gestures next to her with eyes closed) Two of us!
(Linda sees Busting Candace but she is alone, standing in front mirrors which make it look like there are three more Candace's)
Linda: Well, actually, right now I can see four of you.
(At this point, Busting Candace discovers she's alone)
Busting Candace: That slippery vixen! Don't move. I'll be right back. (runs off)
Linda: (sighs tiredly) Yes, yes, you will.

(Busting Candace runs past a store)
Busting Candace: Bust, bust, bust, bust, bust.
(Romantic Candace comes out of the store holding a picture frame)
Romantic Candace: My Jeremy is going to love this!
Phineas: There she is.
(He and Ferb go down the escalator to intercept Romantic Candace as Linda walks up to her)
Linda: Well, I'm heading out. You want a ride?
Romantic Candace: But my sugar-boo is still...
Phineas: Candace, isn't Jeremy coming over? You should be home getting ready.
Romantic Candace: Oh, they're right! Mom, let's go!
Linda: How about you kids?
Phineas: Don't worry. We'll be home soon.
(Linda and Romantic Candace leave)
Phineas: One Candace down, one to go.
Busting Candace Phineas, Ferb! Have you seen the other Candace?
Phineas: We just saw her. She's driving away with Mom.
(Busting Candace lets out an shrieking howl, scaring the boys a bit before she takes off and fisting really angry)
Phineas: If the Molecular Splitter doesn't just disappear when this is over, we should really consider destroying it.
Ferb: Agreed.

(Switches to the car, where Linda listens to her daughter with a slightly twitching eye while Busting Candace is running after the car, unnoticed by the two)
Romantic Candace: My Jeremy, my Jeremy, and I will be forever. My Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy will leave me never. Ooh, Jeremy. Yay, Jeremy!
(The car stops and Romantic Candace jumps out while Busting Candace crashes into the back window, which Linda hears)
Linda: What was that noise?
(In the house, Romantic Candace runs up the stairs while Linda carries in bags)
Romantic Candace: Jeremy's coming! Gotta get ready for Jeremy!
(Outside the house, Busting Candace sits up and then growls)

(Linda is in her room when Busting Candace kicks the door open)
Busting Candace: Where is she?
Linda: Where is who?
Busting Candace: Candace, she was with you in the car!
Linda: Yes, "she" was.
Busting Candace: And?

(Back at the pool, Heinz is still clinging to the board, and the people in line are becoming increasingly impatient)
Man: Come on buddy, let's go!
Kid: (has climbed up the diving board) Watch out, schnitzel! (skillfully dives into the pool)
Man: Yeah!
Kid: Boo-yah!
Woman: Now that's a man!
(Doofenshmirtz whimpers pitifully)

(In the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)
Phineas: Hey, Candace, look who's here early.
(Romantic Candace looks out her window to see, what looks like, Jeremy with his back to her)
Romantic Candace: Ooh! My Jeremy is here! I'll be right with you my love! (disappears from the window to rush to downstairs)
Phineas: Wow, she bought it. (Turns around giving a thumbs up to Ferb, who is dressed up like Jeremy) I guess love is blind.

(At the public pool, Doofenshmirtz seems to have recovered some of his bravery. He is slowly standing up on the diving board, pulling out the Look-Away-Inator's remote.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay, I'll show you. My Turn-Away-inator and I are ready to go! (presses the button and everyone at the pool looks to the side, away from Doofenshmirtz) That's right, look away.
(The scene switches to a room where a man is chiseling a giant sculpture, the machine affects him and he accidentally hits the statue with too much force causing it to fall apart.)
Sculptor: (Sarcastically) Fantastic.
(Switches to a medical room, where three brain surgeons are working on a woman's brain. They too are affected by the Look-Away-inator)
Brain Surgeon: Uh, has everyone paid up on their insurance bill?
Woman: I taste lilacs.

(In the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, Romantic Candace skips into the backyard)
Romantic Candace: My Jeremy's here! My Jeremy's here! My Jeremy's here!
(Busting Candace runs into the backyard after her)
Busting Candace: Busted, busted, busted, mom!
Phineas: Ferb, now.
(Ferb pulls on the lever. Instead of combining the two Candaces, it creates eleven more and they're all chattering incoherently)
Phineas: Yikes.
(Linda comes into the backyard)
Linda: All right Candace, I'm here.
(The Look-Away-inator suddenly affects everyone in the backyard, turning their heads to the side.)

(At the pool, Doofenshmirtz is preparing to dive)
Doofenshmirtz: Now I'm ready. (His head suddenly turns to the side) Oh, I didn't realize it would affect me, too! Not ready!
(He shouts as he loses balance, falling down into the water below. His splash hits his Look-Away-inator, rendering it useless)
Doofenshmirtz: (Flailing in the water) Ah, I can't swim! I am a schnitzel! I am a schnitzel!
(Perry jumps into the pool, breaking out of his trap, and tosses a life-ring over Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: (Stops shouting and flailing) Curse you and thank you, Perry the Platypus.

(Back in the backyard)
Phineas: What are we looking at?
Ferb: I have no idea.
(He and Phineas look back before activating the Molecular Splitter, combining all the Candace's. After she's combined again, she lands on the stone Perry used to enter his lair. The Molecular Splitter falls into the lair and Phineas and Ferb exchange confused glances afterward.)
Linda: I could've sworn there were more people here. What did you want, Candace?
Candace: (Sighs) Nothing.
Linda: Suit yourself. (Leaves)

(Inside the lair, the Molecular Splitter hits Major Monogram. Another more colorful version of him is beside himself afterwards.)
Singing Monogram: I wanna sing! (Laughs)
Major Monogram: I try so hard to keep you under wraps.

(In the backyard...)
Candace: (At herself) I can't do anything right, even with two of me! I can't bust my brothers. I can't even...
Jeremy: There you are, Candace.
Candace: Jeremy?
Jeremy: (Holding the frame Romantic Candace had bought) Your mom said you got this for me at the mall today.
Candace: Uh, no, I mean, that wasn't really me. I mean...not all of me. I mean...oh, this isn't coming out right.
Jeremy: Well, I think it's pretty cool.
Candace: You do?
Jeremy: The only thing is it needs a picture. Anybody got a camera?
Phineas: We're on it.
Ferb: (Holds up a camera) Say fromage.
Candace/Jeremy: Fromage!
(Shows the picture Ferb took, but they were both talking so the picture doesn't look very good.)

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