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(Opens showing the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Linda: (from inside) All right Candace. (Cuts to the kitchen where she picks up her purse on the counter, where Candace is sitting and dialing her phone.) I'm off to the grocery store. You're in charge.
Candace: Whoa-whoa-whoa wai-wai-wait! By "in charge", does that mean I'm in control of everything around here while you're gone?
Linda: (turning around) Yes.
Candace: Including Phineas and Ferb? I'm the complete overlord of them?
Linda: (suspiciously) Suddenly I'm a little scared. But, technically, yes.
Candace: So like, in a court of law, any—
Linda: Candace, I'll be back later. (leaves)
Candace: (deeply) Excellent! (singsong, to something offscreen) Oh, boys?
(Cut to the backyard, where Phineas, Ferb and Perry are under the tree as usual. Candace approaches them.)
Candace: Hear ye, hear ye! Mom has left me in charge, so I hereby demand that you do nothing crazy today. No building any whoosy-whatzits, or goozy-mahookoffs! In other words, don't be the world's most annoying brothers for one afternoon, okay?
Female Voice: Your brothers are annoying you, too?
(Cut to reveal the voice coming from a teenage girl with light brown curly hair peeking from behind the fence.)
Girl (cont'd): Hi, I'm Mandy. (opens the fence gate and approaches Candace) And me and my world's most annoying brothers are visiting our aunt next door for the weekend.
Candace: Oh, you're Mrs. Weaver's niece. You have annoying brothers?
Mandy: Oh, my gosh! My brothers, Thaddeus and Thor, are constantly building the most annoying contraptions on Earth! Soapbox cars with lawn mower engines...
Candace: (offscreen) Uh-huh.
Mandy: ...tire swings that launch over the roof...
Candace: (offscreen) Uh-huh!
Mandy: ...a mini shopping center for the cat!
(Cut to Candace who smiles and nods.)
Candace: Finally! Someone who relates! Listen to how annoying Phineas and Ferb are. One time...
(Two boys walk out of the fence gate, Thaddeus, a boy with curly brown hair like Mandy, a triangle-shaped head like Phineas, glasses, a green T-shirt, khakis, brown shoes and suspenders, and Thor, a boy with blond Moe Howard-style hair, a rectangle-shaped head like Ferb, a big nose, freckles, a blue T-shirt, gray pants and shoes. They approach Phineas and Ferb like they are the leaders of a street gang.)
Thaddeus: (snaps) Gum me. (Thor gives his brother a gum ball, which he chews and blows.) 'Sup, chumps? Thaddeus. Thor. Overheard you two like to build stuff. Where we come from, we're known as the best. Jealous?
Phineas: No. No, I'm not.
Thaddeus: Well, you should be. Today, we're building the most awesome fort ever. What do you think of that, suckers?! Ha! Hahahahaha!
Phineas: Cool. (waves) Good luck. (Ferb gives a thumbs up as Thaddeus and Thor exit the scene. Phineas suddenly gets a cool demeanor on his face as he snaps.) Gum me.
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?
(Cut to Agent P zipping to a garden hose.)
(Cut to Agent P's lair. Major Monogram is already on screen but Perry is nowhere to be found.)
Major Monogram: Agent P? Agent P?
(Cut back to the garden hose, which Perry is now apparently in, but is having a difficult time going all the way down. Cut back to the lair.)
Major Monogram: Agent P? Where is he, Carl?
Carl: (offscreen) I don't know, sir. Maybe he decided to quit.
Major Monogram: Quit? Well, why would he wanna do that?
Carl: (offscreen) Well, remember his last mission? You were pretty tough on him, sir.
Major Monogram: Hmm. You're right, Carl. I can be pretty rough sometimes. (sadly) Poor Agent P. Do you think the little guy will ever forgive me? (Perry finally drops into his chair to see Monogram crying, but he then looks up happily) Oh, uh, Agent P, you're here! Ahem! (seriously) So, Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been sighted in the Danville Park. We need you to make sure no one is in any danger. (Perry salutes and leaves) There he goes. (guiltily) Jeez, Carl, just hope I wasn't too rough on him this time.
Carl: (offscreen) I don't know, sir. He looked pretty upset to me.
Major Monogram: (putting his head in his hand) I hate myself.
(Cut back to the backyard where Mandy and Candace are still conversing.)
Mandy: I dunno, Candace. In terms of obnoxiousness, I'm sure my brothers have your brothers beat.
Candace: Ha! I beg to differ. Yes, they're both obnoxious, but my brothers' stuff has a sprinkling of awesomeness...which makes it that much more annoying!
Mandy: Um, have you not been listening? Today, my brothers are building a fort and it'll probably be the most obnoxiously awesome fort ever built!
Candace: Not if my brothers are building one!
Mandy: Oh yeah?!
Candace: Yeah! It's on, sister!
(The girls storm off in their separate ways. Thaddeus and Thor peek from behind the fence.)
Thaddeus: Well, Thor, I know who we're gonna outdo today!
(Cut to the living room. Candace opens the screen door to find her brothers on the couch.)
Candace: There you are! I order you to get out there and build a fort!
Phineas: I thought you wanted us to take the day off and not annoy you.
Candace: Those kids next door are building a fort and I will be annoyed if theirs is better than yours!
Phineas: Candace, we don't do this to compete. We do it for fun.
Ferb: And for the ladies. Rrrrrow. (raises eyebrows seductively)
Candace: Well, do it cuz I say so!
(Cut to Danville Park, where a sack race is going on. Above it the banner reads:)
♪ Doofenshmirtz Family Reunion ♪
(Long pan right to show the various activities taking place at the reunion, including a picnic and a kickball tournament. Pan stops on Doofenshmirtz looking upon the reunion by himself. Cut to a bush, which Perry jumps out of and approaches Doof in a fighting position.)
Doofenshmirtz: (disgruntled) Oh, hi, Perry the Platypus. Welcome to the Doofenshmirtz family reunion. They're just about to start the dreaded kickball game that my mother organizes every year. The one my brother's team always wins. You see, I'm not very coordinated with my feet. But with my hands...Hey, watch this. (Doof reaches offscreen and grabs a table with several cups on them. He does a few impressive stacking tricks with the cups.) See? I hold the cup-stacking world record. But does my mother care? No! (pushes the table offscreen) You see, Perry the Platypus, throughout my childhood, my mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball. You know, I think—I think this is best expressed through song. (strums a balalaika)
(Song: "Couldn't Kick My Way Into Her Heart")
Doofenshmirtz: (to the tune of "You Snuck Your Way Right Into My Heart") ♪ My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball, ♪
♪ And my brother was an expert from the start ♪
♪ But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test, ♪
♪ I couldn't kick my way right into her heart... ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Love Händel!
Danny: ♪ Oh yeah! ♪
♪ He tried playing rugby ♪
♪ And soccer and football ♪
♪ He tried kick the can and even martial arts ♪
♪ But even with this dedication... ♪
Doofenshmirtz: ♪ I still got no coordination! ♪
Danny: ♪ He couldn't kick his way right into her heart. ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
(Cut back to Doof in the present)
Doofenshmirtz: How do you like that, Perry the Platypus? Love Händel, in my flashback! I know people. (Perry just gives him a look.) This year, it's going to be different! W-W-Wait right here, I'll show you! (He exits offscreen. We hear a mechanical noise, and he comes back with an electronic leg.) Behold, the Kickinator 5000! Could you help me practice, please, please? Just take the ball and go over there and then just roll it to me. Go ahead. Any time. I'm ready. (The ball rolls to Doof, but nothing happens.) Well, you—you threw it too early! (Gets the ball back) Couldn't you tell I wasn't ready? (He throws the ball back and Perry catches it) Come on, try again. Okay, do it right this time. (The Kickinator 5000 suddenly kicks Doof's chin and he lands on his bottom. The ball rolls off.) It's, uh, you know, it's a process.
(Cut to the backyard. Candace is watching her brothers start to build a fort. Isabella approaches them.)
Isabella: What'cha doin'?
Phineas: Building a fort.
(Isabella looks to the other side to see Thaddeus and Thor building their fort.)
Isabella: What are you doing?
Thaddeus: Showin' two chumps how to build a fort!
Isabella: Oh, no, he di'n't! Phineas, how can I help?
(Screen flips to sometime later with Mandy behind the fence looking through binoculars.)
Mandy: Stainless steel 18-8 woodscrews, eh? (scoffs) The choice of amateurs!
Candace: Why? What kind of screws are your brothers using?
Mandy: That's classified.
(Pan left to show a big tarp over the fort with the signs "NO PEEKEES" and "KEEP OUT" taped to it. We hear Mandy's brothers hard at work.)
Candace: Isabella! Get a tarp over that thing ASAP!
Isabella: What color?
(Cut to Thaddeus and Thor in front of the tarp.)
Thaddeus: Hey, where's Harry?
(Whip pan to reveal a rather fat and hairy-looking man in a tank-top, brown pants, and a yellow construction hat lounging on a chair, drinking some iced tea, and reading a newspaper.)
Harry: Yo! Over here!
Thaddeus: Well, he is a contractor. They don't do much.
(Cut back to the family reunion. Perry is now holding the ball on a fishing pole.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, slowly. Not so fast! I can hardly keep up with it!
(A ball hits Doof in the head followed by Perry.)
Female Voice: Heads up, Heinz!
(Screen flips to sometime later)
Doofenshmirtz: You know what? Just—Just bring the ball in front of the Kickinator. Just—Put it right th—What are you doing? I didn't say a mile away! Right here! Bring it closer. Okay. No, no! Oh. That's a little bit better. Step back and get ready to witness some real kicking. (He kicks the ball perfectly, and the ball goes into a tree. A bird falls out.) I did it! I did it! (The Kickinator kicks his chin again and he falls on his back.) I still did it!
(Cut back to a shot of both backyards with tarps over both of the forts. Mandy and Candace are pacing back and forth in their respective yards.)
Candace: Alright, guys, it's do or die time. This is the chance to really show your stuff, cuz there's no you're gonna lose to a couple of lame-os AND THEIR LOSER SISTER!!
Mandy: (offscreen) I can hear you!
Candace: I KNOW!! I SAID IT LOUD!!!! (car honks, Candace gasps) Mom! Gotta get rid of her!
(Cut to the front of the house. Linda drives up to the front door and starts to get out, but then Candace runs up to her.)
Candace: Oh, Mom, you're home, you're home! But, uh, I-I think you should go back to the grocery store.
Candace: Because I—I bet you forgot, uh, that stuff!
Linda: (looks at her list) Oh, I guess I did. (gives Candace some bags) Alright, throw these in the kitchen and I'll be right back.
(Candace runs into the house with the bags. Cut to the living room where she literally throws the bags on the floor.)
Candace: Boy, that was close.
(Cut back to the park. Doof is waiting for his turn to kick.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I'm next!
Charlene: (on the mound) Alright, easy out! Everybody move in!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, you're not even a Doofenshmirtz anymore!
Charlene: I kept the name!
Vanessa: (from the bleachers) You can do it, Dad! (to the person sitting next to her) He can't really do it.
(Cut back to the backyards. Mandy, Thaddeus, Thor, Candace, Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella are now joined by Stacy, Buford, Baljeet, the Fireside Girls, Jenny and practically all the kids of Danville.)
Mandy: (on a megaphone) Welcome, citizens of Danville! I give you the architectural stylings of Thaddeus and Thor!
(Thaddeus and Thor uncover the tarp revealing a classic fort with four turrets and a slide. The crowd gasps in awe.)
Isabella: That's nice.
Thaddeus: What you architectural illiterates see here is a split-level edifice, complete with slide and licorice dispenser. (He pushes a button and a piece of red licorice comes out.) Huh? What?
Candace: (on megaphone) People, people, I'm not gonna soft pedal this. That was adequate, but I think we're ready to witness the greatest architectural feat this town has ever seen! I give you Phineas and Ferb!
(Phineas and Ferb uncover the tarp. But the crowd simply stares. Thaddeus and Mandy laugh.)
Thaddeus: Ha ha ha ha ha! You call that an architectural feat?! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Cut to reveal a simple fort with a tire swing.)
Candace: What?! (drops her megaphone) Have you lost your minds?! You've completely humiliated me in front of everyone!
Phineas: But, Candace, this—
Candace: Phineas, all summer long, you build the most amazing things and the one time I reach out to you as a sister, the one time I count on you, you give me this?
Phineas: But, Candace—
Candace: No! Just leave me alone! (runs off) Excuse me!
Phineas: Candace, wait!
(Cut back to Doof, who is waiting for the ball to come to him. Charlene rolls it to him. Close up on Doof's sweaty face. Cut to a shot of the nervous crowd. The ball finally reaches him and he kicks it right out of the park.)
Mrs. Doofenshmirtz: Woah!
(Cut back to Phineas and Ferb.)
Phineas: (picking up the megaphone) Ladies and gentlemen, topping our fort is our homage to old-school construction. And now for the rest of it. Ferb?
(Ferb pushes a button on a remote. The dramatic music from "Rollercoaster" is heard while the fort raises up from the ground revealing many different building levels.)
Phineas: Tada! (the kickball hits the fort) Our modern take on a well-known classic!
(The crowd oohs and cheers. Thaddeus pops his gum onto his face. Thor just looks with his mouth open.)
(Cut back to the park where Doof approaches his goody two-shoes brother.)
Doofenshmirtz: I...I did it. I did it! Ha ha! Who's the loser now, huh?! L-O-S-E-R! Who's the loser?! You are! Let's boogie! That's right! Let's boogie!
(The ball comes back into Roger's hand, and he tags his brother.)
Roger: You're out.
Mrs. Doofenshmirtz: (running down from the bleachers) Oh, Roger, my son! (lifts her son up) You make me so proud, again!
Doofenshmirtz: But... (The Kickinator kicks Doof again) OW!
(Cut to a montage of Phineas and Ferb showing their rivals the entire fort.)
Phineas: Well, here's the foyer. All imported marble, by the way. Here's the bowling alley. Pool. Telescope. Terra cotta army room. JET ENGINE WIND TUNNEL! And scoring stage with 40-piece orchestra.
(Cut back to the backyard, where Thaddeus and Thor are still aghast while Mandy leers down in anger.)
Ferb: We don't, however, have a licorice dispenser. That was a nice touch.
Phineas: Yeah, that rocked.
(Thaddeus and Thor doesn't say anything.)
Mandy: Nice going. You broke their brains. Come on, boys. I'm taking you home.
(Cut to the front of the house where Candace is moping. Linda returns in her car.)
Linda: Hey, I got the stuff.
Candace: Thanks, Mom. At least you came through.
(Linda goes into the house. Mandy approaches Candace, followed by a still open-mouthed Thaddeus and Thor.)
Mandy: Well, Candace, as much as I hate to say this, your brothers are the best. (walks away, to her brothers) A ten-story addition with a swimming pool! Ugh! Why didn't you think of that?!
Candace: (smiles) Could it be true?!
(She runs into the house and looks outside the sliding door at the glorious fort her brothers made.)
Linda: (offscreen) Candace, have you seen this?
Candace: I'm looking at it! ...Wait, where are you?
Linda: (offscreen) In the kitchen!!
(Candace walks off. Cut to the kitchen to reveal groceries all over the floor.)
Linda (cont'd): When I said, "throw these in the kitchen," I didn't mean it literally!!!
Candace: Yeah yeah yeah. Come on, Mom! (exits)
Linda: Candace!!! I'm not going anywhere until you take care of this mess!!!
(Candace re-enters and gathers up all the groceries)
(Cut to the backyard.)
Phineas: Well, fun's fun, but there are those pesky zoning laws.
(Ferb pushes the button and the fort lowers into the ground. Cut to the kitchen where Candace puts all the groceries away very quickly and neatly.)
(Cut to Doof sitting on the ground.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ooooh, I just felt a disturbance in the cup-stacking universe. I think my record's been broken.
(Cut back to Candace and Linda. Candace is panting.)
Linda: That wasn't so hard, now, was it?
Candace: (smiles, grabbing her mother) Mom, let's go, let's go, let's go! (Cut to outside) Mom, I've been trying to tell you all summer! They make these amazing things! Look!
Linda: Candace, you're right! It is amazing!
Phineas: Hey, Mom, we've built a fort.
Linda: It's wonderful! (to Candace) Isn't it great? The boys are starting to take an interest in building things. (goes back into the house) Who wants stuff?
Phineas: (offscreen) We do!