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Thanks But No Thanks/Transcript

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(At Steam Noir, Monty and Vanessa are talking)
Monty: This was nice.
Vanessa: Yeah, I'm glad we ran into each other.
Monty: Yeah, almost literally you almost ran over me with that scooter.
Vanessa: What can I say? You walk slow. So, uh, what are you doing tonight?
Monty: Yeah, I'm gonna see Love Sandal. It's a Love Händel cover band that, uh, that plays in, in sandals. My- my cousin plays bass, he can get us backstage, it'll be fun. You wanna come?
Vanessa: Uh, no, no I don't. I'll catch you later.
(They share a kiss, and Vanessa leaves)
Monty: Keep an eye out for that scooter.
(Carl comes by and takes Vanessa's seat)
Carl: Monty and Vanessa, sittin' in a tree...
Monty: Carl...
Carl: Let me finish. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! 
Monty: Go ahead.
Carl: You mean there's more?
Monty: Look, you don't have to tell my dad about this, do you?
Carl: Monty, Monty. Walk with me. You know your dad is my superior. I'm obliged to tell him everything. I can't imagine what could possibly sway me to consider such a dereliction of duty.
Monty: Alright, Carl, I get it, what do you want?
Carl: I want your father to disown you, and adopt me.
Monty: Okay, what do you want within reason?
Carl: You, you don't understand. I do all the work at the agency, but he doesn't even acknowledge me. I mean that's all I want, a simple "Thank you" is that too much to ask?
Monty: You just want him to say "Thank you"?
Carl: Yes, a simple "Thank you."
Monty: Carl, if that's all you want, then I'm sure I can get Dad to say "Thank you" to you.
Carl: Well, if you can do that, maybe I can just forget to mention the whole "dating a sworn enemy's daughter" thing.
Monty: Deal.
(They shake on it)

(Song: "Fletcher Family Flying Circus" (instrumental))
Phineas: Hey Ferb, check out this cool picture of Grandma and Grandpa Flynn in their pyramid water skiing days. Wow. It's all the fun of water skiing times ten. You know, I bet you pyramids would make any sport better. Ferb...
Candace: What do you think you're—
Phineas: (using the mic dropped down from the tree) I KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO TODAY!!!!
Candace: —doing?
(A high pitched ring drones in the background)
Phineas: (sounds slightly muffled) Oh, hey, Candace.
Candace: What?!
Phineas: I said, "Hey, Candace."
Candace: What?! I can't hear you over all this ringing!
Phineas: Don't worry about it. It'll go away in a sec. See ya' later, Candace.
(Both Phineas and Ferb leave)

Candace: I may not be able to hear you, but I can see you! If you stay in range!
Off-Screen Voice: (From her second story window overlooking the backyard) Oh, Candace, right on schedule.
Candace: Uh, hi. Are you new here?
Woman: Heavens no, dear, I've been here all summer. I've so enjoyed watching your brothers build so many amazing things everyday.
Candace: Oh that's perfect. Uh, you know what? My arms are getting really tired, just hold that thought, I'll be right back. (runs off, and returns with a step ladder) You were saying?
Woman: They're so inventive. I mean they built that rollercoaster, oh, and that spa, and I loved that platypus-themed restaurant, even though I couldn't get a reservation. The bouncer was so harsh. (While saying this, Candace smiles widely) Oh, but the best was when they had their own sitcom.
Candace: Wait, I wasn't even here for that one.
Woman: I know, but I wouldn't miss a minute of witnessing your brothers' backyard fun.
Candace: Lady, you've got to help me! You've got to come down here and tell my mom all about it!
Woman: Oh, I don't think so, dear. Um, I just don't feel up to leaving the house.
Candace: No problem. You stay right where you are, and I'll bring my mom over! (Starts to leave but comes back) Heeheeheeheehee...
Woman: Oh, by the way...
Candace: What?
Woman: Where's Perry?

(In his lair)
Perry
(A pause)
Perry
(At the recording area)
Monty: Hey Dad.
Major Monogram: Monty my boy. It's always wonderful to see you.
Carl: Hello sir.
Major Monogram: Carl, what took you so long? Hand me that report would you?
Carl: Yes sir.
Major Monogram: My coffee! Huh, thanks Monty.
Monty: Actually Carl-
Major Monogram: Carl, the trash chute is clogged again, do you mind?
Carl: Of course not sir. (He makes his way past Monty and Major Monogram) Pardon me. Excuse me. Coming through
Monty: Uh, Dad, Agent P is here.
Major Monogram: Oh, so he is. Morning Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been spotted on his balcony repeatedly shaking his fist and then running back into his building. Which is obviously evil. Well, okay maybe not evil, but definitely cliche. So, go and stop him from his cartoon conventions.
(Perry jetpacks out)

(Song: "Pyramid Sports")
Pyramid sports, pyramid sports, pyramid;
Pyramid, pyramid sports.

If you want something new, we've got the game for you:
It's a sport of a different sort; you can do what the pharaohs do.
The new recreation that is sweeping the nation with pyramid formation:

(Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!)
Pyramid sports, pyramid sports, pyramid;
Pyramid, pyramid sports.

Here's how you play!

Form yourselves into a pyramid, I guess that's step number one.
Try any sport, now experiment,
Just go and have some fun.
You can do any sport you wish: archery, bowling,
You can even pyramid fish.

I don't care if it's played in a field or on a court,
'Cause everyone here is into pyramid sports!

(Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!)
Pyramid sports, pyramid sports, pyramid sports;
Pyramid sports, pyramid sports!

Baljeet: I think I pulled my sigmoid colon.

(Doofenshmirtz is busy aiming a device at a man who is playing the bagpipes)
Doofenshmirtz: Annoying musician. C-Come on. Come on. Come to papa. Ah! Bingo! (Perry puts his tail in front of the scope) Hey what's with the waffle? Oh very funny Perry the Platypus, very funny. If you'll just be so kind as to move your tail out of the way. (Perry does so) Thank you. There we go. That's good, an- (Perry puts his tail in front of the scope again) See now you're just being childish. Look, I promise you. I'm not even being marginally evil. I just want to stop that guy from playing his bagpipes everyday, 24-hours a day. I mean look at him. On what planet is that racket considered music? Ugh! I cannot take it anymore, so I'm gonna hit his bagpipe with my Inflate-inator! Yeah, I know, It's basically the opposite of my Deflate-inator. But I can't concentrate with all that noise! I was lucky to come up with that. But when that bagpipe blows up I will once again be able to here the usual din ringing through the city streets. Like, uh, car alarms, and babies crying, and -inators blowing up. (Perry flings himself off the -inator, and punches Doofenshmirtz)

Candace: (Pushing Linda towards the fence) Come on! Come on! Come on! This time I've got an eyewitness. (gestures toward the house with eyes closed) Go on. Go on. Tell my mom everything!
(Linda goes up the ladder and sees the window, but no one's there. She goes back down to Candace, eyes still closed)
Linda: (with disdain) Well, when the empty window feels like talking, you let me know. (walks away)
(Candace's eyes open, she climbs up to see the empty window, but the woman soon comes up)
Woman: There it is, I dropped my penny. Did you say something dear?
(Candace facepalms)

(At Alfonzo's restaurant)
Monty: How was your meal dad?
Major Monogram: Absolutely delicious. What a great new place.
Monty: I know, right? Carl found it.
Major Monogram: Well then, let me just say thank you, to the chef. Thank you for that delicious meal.
Chef: You're most welcome, so glad you enjoyed it.
Monty: Dad, isn't there something you wanted to say to Carl as well?
Major Monogram: Of course, what was I thinking? Don't be rude Carl, thank the chef.
Carl: Thank you.
Chef: I like this table, and to show my gratitude, dessert is on the house. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and fire a member of staff. Lachenzo! Come here!
Major Monogram: There, you see? A little gratitude goes a long way. Pay attention Carl, you could learn something.
Carl: (Under his breath) ...really learn something from you, you-
Monty: Just chill out, I got another idea.

(Perry and Doofenshmirtz continue fighting, but Perry throws Doofenshmirtz into the -inator zapping them, and inflating Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: Check you out Perry the Bloat-apus. (Doofenshmirtz inflates as well) Well, uh, this is awkward. Seriously gonna-
(Perry slams into Doofenshmirtz, sending him flying backwards)
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, I'm so glad I had this Helipad installed.
(Perry and Doofenshmirtz continue fighting by slamming themselves against each other)

Candace: (Dragging Linda out by the arm) No really, I swear the old lady is there in the window right now! I swear!
Linda: No need to swear. I'm coming.
Candace: There she is! (points toward where the window is)
Linda: (sees nothing but a bonsai tree in the window) Funny Candace, I could swear your "old lady" looks just like a house plant. (walks away)
Candace: What!?
Woman: (Watering the plant) There you go. A little thirsty weren't you?
(Candace faints)

(Perry and Doofenshmirtz continue throwing themselves at each other)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, wow. Aw man. We're not getting anywhere. How bout we take a time out?
(Perry pulls a valve on his fedora, and begins deflating)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, your hat has a pressure release valve? Wow, so that's what the inside of a platypus smells like? Could've gone my whole life without knowing that.
(Perry grabs the Inflate-inator, and throws it off the building)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey! Aw man, another 'nator bites the dust, and I'm stuck listening to Jerky McIrritating across the street now.
(Perry whistles down to the man, and motions him to be quiet)
Man: What's that? Oh I'm sorry, I'll stop. I didn't realize I was disturbin' you. Cheery-bye!
Doofenshmirtz: Huh, well I guess I may have over thought that solution, just a little bit.
(Perry pushes Doofenshmirtz over the edge)
Doofenshmirtz: Ahhh! Curse you Perry the Platypus!

Carl: This had better work.
Monty: Don't worry Carl, once you save my dad's life, there's no way even he could avoid thanking you for it.
Carl: I hope for your sake you're right. You know it's funny how no one's noticed a grand piano dangling precariously over our table.
Monty: Well, I also tied a couple of violins up there so it would look like a theme. Alright, listen so when my dad returns, I'll excuse myself, and cut the rope, and you push my dad out of the way of the falling piano. Got it?
(Carl nods, and Major Monogram returns)
Major Monogram: Let's get to that dessert menu.
Monty: Excuse me dad, it's my turn. I'll be right back, you guys start.
Major Monogram: Sure, sure. Thank you for not making us wait. Huh. That bathroom attendant was lovely, he gave me mints and some floss. I-I just couldn't thank him enough.
Carl: Watch out sir!
(Carl shoves Monogram out of the way of the piano Monty had just dropped)
Monty: Dad! Carl! Are you alright?
Major Monogram: Oh, I'm uh, I'm fine.
Carl: I'm alright too sir.
Monty: Wow, Carl, you saved my dad's life.
Major Monogram: Yes, It's a shame he couldn't save the table too. Let's go find the host--
Monty: Wait. Whoa! What? Seriously?
Major Monogram: What?
Monty: Dad, aren't you going to thank him?
Major Monogram: Oh, well I didn't realize I hadn't. Thank you for pointing that out to me Monty.
Monty: Dad!
Major Monogram: Oh, uh, yes, right. Thank you Carl.
(Carl faints)
Major Monogram: Oh well, more dessert for us.

Candace: No, it's different this time, she promised to come down and meet us!
Linda: Right, my expectations have been completely reversed.
Candace: No you'll see, she'll explain everything. Everything!
(Candace rings the doorbell)
Candace: Heeheeheeheehee... (the woman comes out) Yes! See? Mom, Lady. Lady, Mom. Now tell her everything.
Cop: (Speaking to the woman) You have the right to remain silent, anything you say--
Peggy: Take your hands off me copper. I know my rights. Sorry Candace, water the plant for me.
(She gets escorted away by the cop)
Candace: I don't understand. What's going on?
Cop 2: Police matter miss.
Candace: What could could that sweet old lady possibly have done?
Cop 2: That "sweet old lady" is Peggy "The Pyramid" McGee, the notorious ring leader of Danville's biggest pyramid scheme.
Candace: Pyramid scheme?
Cop 2: That's right, she's been selling these all over town. See? These are just flat triangles, painted in perspective. That's fraud.
Peggy: I'll be out by the time her mom serves pie.

(She is driven off in a cop car)
Linda: Wow Candace, a pyramid scheme right under our noses!
Candace: Yeah, imagine that.
(Through all this, Phineas and the gang pass by on a bike forming a giant pyramid. Neither Candace nor Linda notice)

(At Club Soda, and the Love Sandal concert)
Monty: Hey.
Vanessa: Hey yourself.
Monty: I thought, uh...
Vanessa: Yeah, so did I. But then I figured I couldn't leave you here to suffer alone.
Monty: That's what I like. Thoughtful, and dismissive at the simultaneously.
Doofenshmirtz: (Being tossed around like a beach ball) Nooo! Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that the Love Sandals? Hey, oh, watch the hands lady.

End Credits

(standalone broadcasts only)
(Song: "Pyramid Sports")
Try any sport, now experiment,
Just go and have some fun.
You can do any sport you wish,
Archery, bowling, you can even pyramid fish
I don't care if it's played in a field or on a court
Cause everyone here is in to Pyramid Sports
Pyramid Sports, Pyramid Sports, Pyramid Sports, Pyramid Sports, Pyramid Sports.

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