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| ...Because the worst part of the party is the cleanup, am I right?
This article may require clean-up to meet Phineas and Ferb Wiki's standards.
Please improve the article if you can. (August 15, 2012)
(Scene opens up at night, showing Phineas, Ferb, Candace, and Perry in front of a house.)
Phineas, Ferb and Candace: Trick or treat!
Man: Well, now, would you look at this, Martha? We've got Frankenstein, Count Dracula, and some kind of Igor, or something.
Man: And if it isn't little Candace Flynn! Where's your costume?
Candace: "Where's your costume"?! I haven't worn my hair like this in 2 years!
Phineas: Get with the Halloween spirit, Candace!
Candace: Please. Trick-or-Treating is for kids. I'm like, way mature than that. I'm walking with you until we get to Jeremy's, and then I'm outta here.
Buford: There you are. I thought we'd never catch up. Goin' old school this year, I see. Sweet. No costume, huh, Candace?
Phineas: Nice fairy princess costume! Where'd you get it?
Isabella: Actually, I'm not wearing a costume.
Phineas: Oh, okay.
(Harp music distorts)
Isabella: I got it at the Googolplex Mall.
Buford: What kind of person hands out these weird, orange peanuts? We gotta find a better neighborhood.
Phineas: That's strange. I've never seen this place before.
(Ominous music, Thunder crashing)
You'd think we would've noticed it.
Buford: I'm gonna give those orange peanuts a second look.
Phineas: What's that?
Boy: (Flips flashlight switch) Hi, I'm Russell. I live here.
Isabella: Oh, Russell, like the leaves.
Buford: What are you trying to do, scare us?
Russell: No. Hiding in the leaves makes me feel warm and secure. (Ominous violin) Well, relatively speaking.
Baljeet: Why do you not just go inside?
Russell: In there? It's haunted!
Russell: No, not cool! The horrifying screams, moving shadows, floating objects, ghosts, zombies, vampires. It's really freaking me out, man!
Buford: The light under his chin makes his story pretty convincing.
Baljeet: Actually, there is no scientific evidence for the existence of ghosts.
Buford: What do you know? You're a daffodil!
Buford: Case closed!
Phineas: Maybe we can help you, Russell. Got anything for ghosts, Ferb?
(Ferb opens his jacket, showing ghost tools)
Phineas: Whoa. Looks like we're in business! Let's bust us some ghosts!
Candace: Hold it there, fella! Nobody's doin' any busting around here without me!
Phineas: Sure, we'll all go! Coming, Russell?
Russell: If I have to.
(They enter, the door closes, and the candles blow out)
Candace: Oh, please.
Russell: Oh, this always happens.
Phineas: Don't panic anyone!
Isabella: How can I panic when I'm holding your hand?
Buford: I think that's my hand.
Baljeet: Hey! (Turns on the flashlight under his chin; ghostly voice) Wheerrrre is Perrrrrryyyyy?
Buford: Quit it, Baljeet!
(Perry, wearing his Igor costume, enters into his lair decorated in a Halloween way)
Carl: (Dressed as Major Monogram, Mimicking his voice) Hello, Agent P. Welcome to the Company Halloween Party. Try the punch, it's wicked good. Just be sure to use a coaster. Certain people can be downright persnickety. (Normal voice) Psst, Agent P, it's me, Carl! Had you fooled, didn't I? I've got the monobrow, the whiskery mustache, but I couldn't get both my eyes on the same side of my nose. He's like a Picasso, or something.
Major Monogram: (Dressed as Carl) Where is your coaster, Carl?
Carl: Sorry, sir.
Major Monogram: What do you think? Nice costume, huh? My lip feels so naked. (Clears throat) Sorry to interrupt the festivities, but we've been receiving some weird intelligence. The Danville Golf Course's been chewed down to bare dirt, strange howling to the moon, graffiti at every leather shop the Tri-State Area. And, we don't know what to make of this crop circle. Get to the bottom of it, Agent P!
Carl: (In Monogram's voice) "Get to the bottom of it, Agent P!"
Major Monogram: That's not how I sound, Carl!
Carl: (In Monogram's voice) "That's not how I sound, Carl!"
Russell: Come on, most of the ghosts are this way.
Candace: Good, let's bust them and hit the road. I'm missing Jeremy's party!
Baljeet: Ghosts, there's no such thing. Look! My EMF readings are three milligauss. Normal background radiation. And when we point it at the room, it is also... Well, that cannot be right.
Phineas: 78? Did we even make these things with double digit displays? (Jack-O-Lantern rises and grows a body) Um...
Jack-O-Lantern: Aren't you a little young to be hunting ghosts?
All but Ferb: Yes!! Yes, we are!!! (Screaming, they turn and run)
Russell: It's totally like this all the time!
♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.! ♪
(Perry enters Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. and sees Doofenshmirtz trapped in chains)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, Perry the Platypus, I was hoping you would come. (Perry points at the chains) Wh... this? Yeah, I had to place myself in restraints. There is a perfectly good explanation though. It all started a couple of days ago, when I declared war on grass, it's not a point why exactly. Let's say grass got on my bad side. Grass and me, were on the outs, big time, so I got myself a cow, a nagoture predator of grass, it was slowing. What I needed was cow that was motivated not by hunger, but by a powerful hatred of grass like, like my own. Burning antipathy, so I invented the Mind-transfer Inator to give that cow a piece of my mind! (zapping sound) And as it turned out, cow brain, not a lot of room for new ideas. That would have been it, but I started having these gaps in my memory. I had a strange craving to lick salt and I found myself watching the nightly farm report and the Pasture Channel way more than usual. . . I began to sense that I was not quite human anymore, which is why I'm in the restraints and that stinks 'cause tonight's Halloween, you know, that's totally my thing, you know, the only holiday to celebrate evil, and here I am in these... Oh no! (He starts transforming into a Were-cow) It's happening again! It's happening! Argh!(Totally transforms into a Were-cow) Mooo! (Takes out the chains and watches Perry, he takes out a rope to catch him) Moooo! (Doofenshmirtz transformed into a Were-cow escapes and Perry follows him) Moooo!
Doorman: Three more years till the pension kicks in, and I am so out of here!
Woman: There are no monsters in America, what a genius.
♪ Get ready for udder terror ♪
♪ 'Cause you're just some cud that he's gonna chew ♪
♪ And you never had steak any rarer ♪
♪ So you better beware of the Moo! ♪
♪ 'Cause we got a were-cow, ♪
♪ Were-Cow on the Rampage! ♪
♪ You know I think this warning should suffice ♪
♪ Were-cow, Were-Cow on the Rampage! ♪
♪ Oh look out, he's gonna chew you twice! ♪
♪ Were-cow, Were-Cow on the Rampage! ♪
Candace: (Candace gets to the front door, tries to open it) Open up! Come on, open up! It won't budge!
Phineas: At least it was only 78 on the meter, right?
Baljeet: How could this be one?
Russell: Well, sometimes the floor gives out. (The floor gives out, causing the gang to fall in the basement, which is infested with ghosts)
Buford: I gotta say, this is a really non-traditional use of interior space.
Russell: Don't all houses have this?
Female ghost: I am a tremulous voice!
Male ghost: I like to play.
Female Ghost:I'm not a ghost, I'm a sheet, that lives!
Phineas: This could be related to your problem. (A shed behind Phineas bursts open, showing the Jack-O-Lantern)
Jack-O-Lantern: I'm not alive anymore. (All but Ferb shout, all start running and the Jack-O-Lantern follows them)
Russell: Across the river, we'll be safe in that house!
Isabella: River?! How big is this basement?!
(a squishing sound is heard as the kids wade into the "water")
Baljeet: This really is the wrong color and viscosity for water!
Buford: Don't pop my bubble, man! (Zombies start to rise from the "water")
Zombie 1: Brains!
Zombie 2: Spleen!
Zombie 1: Pancreas-es!
Russel: Did I mention the zombies?
Buford: (Starts shouting and runs out)
Baljeet: Let's get out, let's get out! (More zombies start to rise, and everybody follows him)
Zombie 3: Kidneys!
Zombie 4: I don't care for organs, but I do enjoy a cucumber sandwich. (The Jack-O-Lantern runs over the cucumber sandwich zombie) Dash it all, they broke my saucer.
Bridgette Oshinomi: Danville meadows, where yesterday, thousands of layers of grass were scentusly cut down in their prime. Officials believe that the responsibility for the spescer massacre lies with the werecow. And locals are advised to stay off their lawns.
Man: Forget that! (pulls out flaming torch) I say we get him!
Lady: Yeah! (pulls out a pitchfork) Wait, you brought a torch on our date?
Man: Helloo! Pitchfork!
(Dr. Doofenshmirtz wakes up in human form in the middle of a field)
Doofenshmirtz: Wha-? Where... where am I? How did-? (looks around and sees crop circles that he made) What's that awful taste in my mouth? And when did I do all this beautiful landscaping? (the clouds covering the moon float away; he sees the full moon then gasps) Oh, no!! (Perry arrives) Oh, Perry the Platypus, thank goodness you're here! Quickly, we have to get me back to my lab before I moo again! Or mow, 'cuz, you know, see, it's grass and you mow grass... (starts turning into a werecow again) Mooooo!
Man: There he is! Let's get 'im!
♪ Well they've got pitchforks and other implements of farming, ♪
♪ I don't think they're in a planting mood. ♪
Man: He could be hiding behind any one of these poles!
Woman: Over there!
♪ And if they catch up to you, it's gonna be alarming, ♪
♪ So you'd better hoof it out of there, dude! ♪
♪ Yeah, we got a were-cow, ♪
♪ Were-cow on the run! ♪
♪ And they look like they got a score to settle! ♪
♪ Were-cow, were-cow on the run! ♪
♪ They're gonna poke you with some rusty metal! ♪
♪ Were-cow! ♪
Baking Academy Teacher: First take three cups of flour. . . (screams as DR. Doof and the angry mob break through the wall, interrupting her)
(Kids scream as they run)
Buford: Dead end!
(All the kids gasp in horror)
Jack-O-Lantern: Relax and stay awhile. Stay FOREVER!!
Candace: 'Nobody busts but me'... Smart!
(Jack-O-Lantern laughs maniacally as he closes in on the kids)
Phineas: Wait a minute, if are a ghost, and you have a pumpkin head, what did that make you when you were alive?
Ferb: The probability of a humanoid vegetable hybrid is exceedingly remote. (He picks up a skull and hurls it at the Jack-O-Lantern, which sparks and sputters and falls the ground)
Buford: It was a ghost robot?!
Phineas: No, just a regular one. I think there's something strange not going on here.
Waylon: (Sighs) Ah, darn serval (???). (To the kids) You guys really gave us a heck of a workout.
Waylon: I'm Russell's dad, Waylon.
Mona: And I'm his mom, Mona.
Isabella: Russell, Waylon and Mona? They're like, themed for Halloween or something!
Phineas: But our equipment! How did you...
Phineas: A frequency emitter! You sly dog, Russ.
Mona: We've got them all over the place.
Waylon: Hey! What's that in your ear?
Isabella: How did you do that?
Waylon: Sorry, that's a (in Jack-O-lantern's voice) trade secret!
Phineas: Wow! This is one of the best Halloween tricks ever!
(Kids start chattering excitedly)
Candace: (Impatiently) Yeah. Blah, blah, blah lovefest. Some of us have somewhere to be!
Phineas: Yeah, but before we go, how about one more trick?
Waylon: (Uncertainly) Well, um...
(Suddenly, a rumbling is heard, followed by a crash)
(Angry Mob follows after, all screaming in rage)
Phineas: (Amazed) Wow! A mob of angry ghosts chasing a were-cow! How do you do it?
Waylon: Uh. . . smoke?
Mona: And. . . mirrors!
(Waylon, Mona and Russell all smile innocently)
Candace: (Groans) Uhh...
Waylon: Good night, Phineas. Good night Ferb.
(Goodbyes are exchanged)
Phineas: You know, for a minute there, I thought there were real ghosts. (Turns suddenly and gasps) The old house! It's gone!
Waylon: We're just uh, packing it up for the season.
Phineas: Isn't this the moment in one of these things when someone really turns into a ghost?
(Both boys turn and stare suspiciously at Russell and his family. A long silence follows)
Russell: (Sounding slightly irritated) Dude, that's it!
Phineas: Oh, ok. See ya next year!