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The Doof Side of the Moon/Transcript

< The Doof Side of the Moon

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(Scene opens up at the Flynn-Fletcher house, then Phineas and Ferb boredly watching the TV)
TV Announcer: Are you and your family looking for a peaceful vacation getaway? Come visit delightful Danville! We've got grass, milk, and smiles! So come to Danville, pretty please? Brought to you by the Danville Tourist Board.
Phineas: You know, begging is really unbecoming. I mean, I like smiles as much as the next guy, (Ferb smiles bizarrely) and milk is a classic. But what Danville really needs is a biiiiiig tourist attraction. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!

Linda: Bye, Candace! I'm off to make my rounds.
Candace: Bye, Mom.
(There are trucks and noises heard outside)
Candace: Mom! Mom! Mom! (growls in frustration) I'm gonna need some backup. (Calls Stacy) Hey, Stace. Wanna come over and help me bust my brothers?
Stacy: Ooh, sounds like fun, but I have to go to the eye doctor.
Candace: Okay, but just don't get big, thick glasses because then you'd be a nerd, and I couldn't be seen with you.
Stacy: Oh, Candace. You're so shallow.
Candace: I know. I am so shallow.
(Both laugh)
Candace: But seriously, don't get any thick, nerdy glasses. (Hangs up, hears more noises outside) Ooh, as soon as I get some help, you guys are so busted!

(Outside...)
Phineas: Just dump it right there, next to the giant gorilla head.
Isabella: Hey Phineas. Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Ferb and I have decided to construct the world's tallest building. Wanna help?
Isabella: Sure. Who wouldn't want to be a part of the "Phineas and Ferb" project?

Albert: Phineas and Ferb? Pish-tosh! I'll take ninja discipline over creative whimsy any day.
Irving: Well, I just think that--
Albert: Irving, you're my little brother. So, it's my duty to teach you all my secrets of self-defense. (Holds up a pair of nun-chucks)
Irving: I'd rather see what Phineas and Ferb are doing.
Albert: What's in the box, anyway?
Irving: It's my old collection of spy cameras. I'm going to bring them to Phineas and Ferb, and see what they can do with them.
(Albert takes the box)
Albert: I'll take those!
Irving: Give them back, Albert!
Albert: (Spills the box) Oopsie!
Irving: Ooh! You pick those up, Albert!
Albert: (Waving nun-chucks) Make me. That is if you're...ninja enough.
Irving: You're...a jerk! I'm gonna go play with Phineas and Ferb. (leaves)
Albert: Fine! Do you realize these cameras are now forfeit!

(Candace approaches him)
Candace: (on her cell phone) Yeah, sure, Jenny, but what have whales ever done for me?
Albert: Well, hello.
(Albert hits himself on the head with the nun-chucks and falls down)
Candace: Fine; if that's the way you feel, I'll get someone else to bust my brothers.
Albert: I'll help you.
Candace: Are you talking to me?
Albert: As a damsel in distress, I have to help you, milady. It's part of my Medieval Knight's Code.
Candace: (scoffs) I'm outta here.
Albert: But don't you wanna bust your brothers?
(Brakes heard, Candace walks back)
Candace: I'm listening.
Albert: Well, have you considered applying the manly science of spy cameras to your problem?
Candace: Spy cameras? Wouldn't it be easier to just show my mom what Phineas and Ferb make?
Albert: I don't know. Is that easier?
Candace: (suddenly realizing) No! No it's not easy! It's never easy! I need help.
Albert: And manly technological surveillance.
Candace: I need...nerd help. Will you help me?
Albert: You have my word. My nerd word.

(Scene shifts to the backyard)
Phineas: Glad to have you on board, Irving! You can pick up your hardhat right over there next to Perry. (Camera pans to hardhats, revealing that Perry's hardhat is on the ground and he is gone) Hey, where's Perry?


(Scene shifts to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P! It appears that Doofenshmirtz has been brushing up on his astronomy. He's rented an award-winning astronomical musical, Supernova? Fabulousnova! We don't know what it means, so we need you to get over there unrealistically fast. Good luck, Agent P! Agent P?
(Agent P is already gone)

Doofenshmirtz, four seconds later!
(Perry drills through the ceiling and drops into the room. Immediately a space helmet drops on top of him and traps him inside)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh. Perry the Platypus, why do you always rush over here just to get trapped? It makes no sense. Ya like that? It's a space helmet. I got a bunch of them used. They still smell like astronaut. I think that's what that is. Anyway, since you're here, let me tell you about my new hobby; making charts and graphs. See, this is a chart of my canteen usage! Which has plummeted since childhood. (Flips the chart to a second one) And this is my evil. I noticed that in any given month, my evilness--that's the red part--stays perfectly constant. Evenly evil. But around the same time each month, there's a spike in background evil, see that, right here? And during that part of the month I actually seem less evil by comparison! And why? Why is it? It's the full moon!
(He pulls away the chart, showing a picture of the full moon)
I mean, werewolves alone must count, for like, 20% of that! How can I compete? Then I realized; if I could rotate the moon, then the dark side would always be facing us, bringing all other evil to a standstill, and making me the only evil game in town!


(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard)

(Song: Keep on Building)
Stacking steel, laying bricks,
Pounding nails, and moving up quick.
2-by-4s and RSJs,
Concrete blocks and bales of hay.
(chorus repeats until the line, "It's all up to code")

(You can faintly hear these lines.)
Keep on building
Up to the sky
Keep on building
Birds flying by

(You can faintly hear the chorus.)
Floor after floor after ceiling,
Carry the load
All of our permits in order
It's all up to code

Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
'Nother floor, then a floor, then a floor!

Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
'Nother floor, then a floor, then a floor!

Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
'Nother floor, then a floor, then a floor!

Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
'Nother floor, then a floor, then a floor!

Floor after floor after floor!


(Scene shifts to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: So, to recap, I rotate the dark side of the lunar surface towards the Earth, eliminate the full moon and corner the market on evil! What? It's genius. Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Would an idiot build...THIS? (Presses a remote control button. A curtain goes up, revealing a cork with a jellybean taped to it) Oh wait wait, not that, that's just a cork taped to a jellybean...but don't judge it, it's a layered idea. Now behold, the Lunar Rotat-inator! (Pans to outside Doof Inc. Penthouse ceiling rolls back to reveal nothing) Oh wait, wait, it's not up there yet, hold on. Okay, wait, wait, almost there. (The inator rises into view) Okay, there! Now you can behold!


(On the sidewalk in front of the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Albert: Camera one is in position and activated. As soon as the other sixteen cameras are in place, we can render the whole take-down in three dimensions. And busting your brothers will be as simple as a quadratic equation.
Candace: For a nerd, you rock!
(Irving is watching them from the building with a telescope)
Irving: Albert and Candace and spy cameras? So that's your game.
(In space atop the building, which is still being constructed. Everyone is wearing spacesuits.)
Isabella: Hey Phineas, how are we going to know when to stop building?
Phineas: I guess we'll just know when we get there.
(Ferb turns a crank which raises a spire. It rises out of view and a crunching sound is heard. Camera pans out to show that it has hit the moon)
Ferb: We're there.
Phineas: That's one small step for Ferb, one giant building for Danville!

(Inside a van with a giant fake bug mounted on top)
Candace: (looking into the truck's backseat area, which is not shown) So, your father's an exterminator?
Albert: No. Why do you ask?
Candace: (uneasily) No reason.
Albert: Now sit back and watch the magic unfold.
(He presses a button and the cameras come on, but all they show is static)
Candace: Not much of a nerd, are ya?
(They rush outside to discover the cameras missing from their posts)
Albert: Someone has purloined our cameras!
Irving: (from atop a ledge on the building. He is holding the missing cameras by their wires) Hey, Albert! Looking for these?
Albert: IRRRVIIING! You bring those back down here right this instant!
Irving: (tauntingly) Ooh. Why don't you come up here, and endeavor to reclaim them?
Albert: WE SHALL!
Candace: Actually, I don't do high places.
Albert: I SHALL!
(He runs into an elevator, which brings him up to the ledge, but Irving is gone. Albert runs over to the ledge.)
Albert: IRVING!
(Albert looks into the building, which has a rollercoaster inside it, and his jaw drops)
Irving: (as he rides the rollercoaster) Hey, Albert! Pretty neat, huh? Just another creative whimsy from the minds of Phineas and Ferb!
(He stops for a moment in front of Albert)
Irving: (condescendingly) And you want to bust them. (He takes off again)
Albert: I do if you like them! (He jumps into another set of cars and takes off after Irving)
(Song: Quirky Worky Song)
Phineas: (from behind Albert in another car) Hey, Albert! Enjoying the monorail?
Albert: Yeah, well, I was in the neighborhood, and I--OH MY GO-OSH!
Phineas: This is our chess floor. And up here, we have the Medieval Renaissance Fair floor.
Albert: Huz-zah!
Phineas: The new-in-the-box action figure floor. The M.C. Escher floor. And this is the... Oh, that's right, we sublet this floor.
Ferb: That was a mistake.
Office Guy: (to Office Woman) So, what are you doing after work?
Phineas: The rubber ball floor! The barnyard floor! The studio audience floor! And of course there are hundreds of other floors to see, but we'll need to get you fitted for a pressure suit first.
Albert: (Climbing out to join Irving) Thanks, guys.
Irving: (as Phineas and Ferb zoom away) So...what did you think?
Albert: I think you're right. Phineas and Ferb are certifiable geniuses.
Irving: So, does this mean you're going to stop helping Candace?
Albert: (gravely) I gave her my nerd word.
Irving: (shocked) You gave her your nerd word? But now you've only got two left!
Albert: Well, that's on me. (Walks into elevator) And it's on me to see that Phineas and Ferb are busted. And so they shall.....
(Elevator door closes, only to reopen a second later)
Albert: ...a-be.

(Door closes again. Pan to outside the building, where Candace is waiting. Albert comes out)
Candace: Did you get the cameras?
Albert: No, but don't worry. I've done the math. There is no way your brothers won't be busted. Numbers don't lie. This building is so well constructed, there is not a force on this earth that can move it before your mom comes home!
Candace: Then that's it! I win! Through the power of nerd help!
(She starts laughing maniacally as Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Irving exit the elevator)
Phineas: Hey, Candace. Working on your cackle?
Candace: You guys are so busted. (Linda's car horn sounds) Ooh, what's that I hear? Oh, that's right. It's the inevitable.
Phineas: Oh. (pause) I thought it was Mom's car.
Candace: (runs from yard) Mom! Mom! Mom!


(Scene shifts to Doofenshmritz Evil Inc. Perry dons a Viking hat, vocalizes an extremely high note, and the window of the helmet shatters)
Doofenshmirtz: Wha?
(Perry runs for him, slips on the jellybean taped to a cork, and falls flat on his face)
Doofenshmirtz: Ha! I told you it was a layered idea! Now, to show the moon who's boss!
(He presses a button and the Lunar Rotat-inator fires, hitting the moon, which rotates. Since the building is attached to the moon, it shudders and begins to rotate with it, rising off the ground as Albert, Phineas, and Ferb look on)
Phineas: Huh. I don't remember adding that.

(In the driveway)
Candace: Mom! Mom! Giant building!
Linda: Just a sec, Candace. Let me grab these groceries. (As the giant building narrowly misses them as it rotates over them) Aaand...there we go. Now what were you saying?
Candace: (With her eyes closed) Look!
Phineas: Hi, Mom!
(For the rest of the conversation, Candace just stands there pointing with a deadpan expression on her face)
Linda: Oh, hi, boys. What did you do today?
Phineas: We tried to make Danville a more interesting place.
Linda: Well, you guys do that just by being you.


(Back at Doofenshmritz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, this doesn't make any sense. The moon is rotating, but the dark side isn't moving. Ohhh, I bet you had something to do with this. Didn't you, Perry the Platypus? You're always messing me up. You're mean. Mean, Perry the Platypus, born mean, that's all. Wait, what are you doing? Making magic fingers at me? Wha--are you even listening to me?
(Perry pushes the inator just a little and it is smashed by the building. Perry then grabs a space helmet and jams it onto Doofenshmirtz's head as his lab coat catches on a pipe and he is towed into space)
Doofenshmirtz: You know, this isn't big enough to trap me!...CURSE YOU, GIANT FLYING BUILDING!

(In space)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, oh, now I think I get it! The light from the moon is just a reflection of the light from the sun! Ah, dummkopf!
(Camera zooms out to show that he is sitting on the edge of the building in space)
I should have rotated the sun.

End Credits

(Song: Keep on Building)
Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
Another floor then a floor
Then a floor

Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
Another floor then a floor
Then a floor

Floor after floor
Now we know what's in store
Another floor then a floor
Then a floor

Floor after floor after floor

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