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The Flying Fishmonger/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Grandpa Reg: And that, ladies and gents, is how I defeated the wild tigers in the Amazon.
Phineas: Awesome story, Grandpa Reg.
Lawrence: Well, I'm sure you'll hear plenty more fantastical stories during Gran and Gramp's visit.
Linda: You know, hon, I was thinking we could all head to the mall.
Grandma Winifred: What a splendid idea! I'd love to treat Candace to some new clothes.
Candace: (Gasps) I'll be in
Phineas: Hey, Mom. Could we just stay home and hear some more of Grandpa's cool stories?
Linda: Sounds good to me.
Lawrence: Wonderful. We'll see you boys later.
(Linda, Lawrence, Candace, and Grandma Winifred leave)

Grandpa Reg: My boy, what's this behind your ear? It's me scrapbook!
Phineas: How'd you do that?
Grandpa Reg: It's just a little bit of "How's you're father". I may seem like a barmy ol' git now, but when I wasn't so long in the tooth, I had some grand larks and engaged in a fair amount of derring-do.
Phineas: Translate.
Ferb: When he was younger, he did a bunch of stuff.
Grandpa Reg: Here I am as a young lad. I made my livin' work at the family Fish and Chips shop. But I was destined for bigger things. I was known as The Great Flying Fishmonger. Here's my first jump over my dear mum's tea society. Me jumpin' a whale, a ton of crumpets, the Queen Mum. But there was one jump that haunts me to this day; McGregor's Gorge of Doom.

Grandpa Reg: (Narrating) People turned out by the thousands to witness me in my trusty motor bike, the Holy Mackerel, make our biggest jump yet. The event was so massive, I hired a local band to write me a theme song.
Band: (Dirge-like) He's a Fishmonger, and he flies
Grandpa Reg: But it wasn't exactly a toe-tapper. Then all of a sudden, it started to rain. I had to postpone my great feat. The second go at it weeks later had the same result! And yet another attempt; nothing but blasted rain again.
Man: Let's go!
Woman: Yeah. I've got teeth not to brush.
(Flashback ends)

Grandpa Reg: Over the years, my eyesight went, and with the lumbago... (Grunts) ...Sciatica... (Creaking) ...Bursitis and... Wait for it...(Boing!) Trick knee, jumpin' McGregor's Gorge is an intention lost to the past.
Phineas: Wow, Grandpa. So whatever happened to the Holy Mackerel?
Grandpa Reg: She's right over there. Although I see your mother turned her into a lamp.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!

(Scene shifts to Candace)
Candace: Oh, Grandma, you're gonna love this mall! I'll show you my favorite store, and there's this little dress that-- (Ding) Hmm... (Dialing) Stacy, I have a strange feeling that ground just broke in my backyard. I need you to get over there and tell me what's going on.

(Scene shifts to the backyard)
(Trucks beeping)
Phineas: Judging from this photo of McGregor's Gorge, we're right on track! Who's the tiger?
Isabella: Hey, Phineas! Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Hey, Isabella. We're helping Grandpa Reg fulfill his crushed dreams.
Isabella: Where's Ferb?
Phineas: He's in the garage restoring the mackerel.
(Briefly, Ferb is seen working on the mackerel in the garage, he stops to eat a grilled cheese sandwich)
Isabella: Cool. Well, I brought this cute little toy over for Perry. Where is he?
Phineas: Huh. I don't know.

(Scene shifts to Perry's lair)
Carl: Oh, hey, Agent P. Monogram's thrown his back out...
Major Monogram: I'm on the floor, Agent P.
Carl: I'll be giving you your assignment, okay? Okay.
Major Monogram: Do a closeup.
Carl: Huh? Oh, yeah. Huh. (Beep) (Clears throat) Doofenshmirtz has been purchasing some suspicious items: Bags of sand, and extra-long shoelace. We know he's up to no good. Get out there and see what he's up to. (at Major Monogram) How was that?
Major Monogram: Just hand me my pills, Carl.

(Phineas and Ferb lead Reg out; Reg has his eyes covered)
Grandpa Reg: What's all the kerfuffle, lads?
Phineas: You can open your eyes now.
Grandpa Reg: (puts arms down, monocle falls off) Blimey! It's McGregor's Gorge and the Holy Mackerel! Ferb, you've restored my pride and joy! But, uh, I can't operate a motorbike in my condition. Remember the- (Boing!)
Phineas: No problem. Ferb's tricked out the whole bike. Lumbar support, padded seating, ergonomic controls, and the best part - Side cars! See, as much as we wanna help you fulfill your dream, we also really want to jump a gorge.
Grandpa Reg: Well, then you'll come with me. The Flyin' Fishmongers shall jump again!

Grandma Winifred: Oh, my dear! You look like a queen. Brava!
Candace: (wearing British clothes) Uh, can we get out of here, like, now? Before anyone I know happens to see--
Jeremy: Candace? I almost didn't recognize you.
Candace: Jeremy! I-- I, uh--
Jeremy: I gotta meet my Mom at the food court, but I'll see ya later.
Candace: (Laughs nervously) (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, hey, Stacy. (At Linda) Mom! Stacy just told me the boys built a huge gorge in our backyard!
Linda: That hat might be a bit too tight.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, just come in! Into my trap! Yes! Sticky flypaper, Perry the Platypus! (Laughs) Quick story? Back in Druselstein in the days of my youth, there was a bully named Boris, and he always wore big, black boots. They called him "Big Black Boots Boris". He was always kicking sand in my face. When I was in the sandbox; Sand. My first date; Sand! Balancing my checkbook; Sand! The beach-- Oddly enough nothing. But I couldn't relax, because I kept waiting for it. Now, though, he will be the one doing the waiting. Behold! The Now who'd blinded by sand-inator! Or maybe the Who's crying now-inator or, something like...something with the "Inator" suffix. In any case, it's a giant sand kicking machine! You see, Perry the Platypus, Boris has moved to the Tri-State Area, so now, I am going to cover his entire house in sand! (Laughs maniacally)

(Scene shifts to Buford and Baljeet standing on a sidewalk corner)
Baljeet: Come see The Flying Fishmonger jump McGregor's Gorge! Tell your friends!
Buford: Do you know how dumb you look?
Baljeet: I thought it would be a good way to get more attention.
Girl (Cindy): I love your outfit. It's so cute.
Baljeet: Gorge!
Buford: Gorge jump!
Baljeet: Fishmongers fly again!

(Candace stops to see a commercial on TV)
TV Announcer: Come see The Flying Fishmonger jump the gorge; Live.
Candace: (Gasps) That's our yard! Mom! Mom! Come here! I need you to see this! (drags Linda to the TV and motions toward it with eyes closed)
TV Announcer: Sponsored by Gorgeous Cream Pore Paste.
Linda: Oh, honey, you're pores aren't that big.

(Scene shifts to the backyard)
Phineas: And now, what you've all come to see, The Flying Fishmongers!
(Crowd cheers)
Phineas: And here to play the Fishmonger's anthem are Isabella and the Fireside Girls. Hit it!
Fireside Girls: (Dirge-like) He's a fishmonger, and he flies
(Thunder crashes)
Grandpa Reg: Well, me boy, looks like I'll never get to fulfill my dream.
Phineas: Hey, guys. You can stop playing. Wait a second. Start again.
Fireside Girls: (Dirge-like) He's a Fishmonger--
Phineas: Stop. Start.
Fireside Girls: (Dirge-like) He's a Fishmonger...
Phineas: Grandpa, the song's so dreary, it's causing it to rain. What if we pep it up a bit?
Grandpa Reg: Pep away, me boy.
Phineas: Hey, Isabella, crank it up a notch!
Isabella: Okey-Dokey! (At Fireside Girls) Ready, girls?

(Song: The Flying Fishmonger)
Choir: Holy, Holy Mackerel (X4)

Phineas: He's bald on top, he's got an artificial hip
He's gonna take a hop, he's gonna take a trip
He's weak in the knees, and he can't find his keys
But put your hands together, 'cause he's here to please

He's a Flyin' Fishmonger
Fireside Girls: (Flyin' Fishmonger!)
Phineas: He's a Flyin' Fishmonger
Fireside Girls: (Death-Defying wonder!)
Phineas: He's a Flyin' Fishmonger with nerves of steel
He's got an old blender motor and a pair of wheels

(Motor revving)
Newspaper Boy: Extra, extra! Fishmonger and kids jump McGregor's Gorge!
(Crowd cheering)
Extra, extra! Fishmonger and kids plummet to their doom!
Grandpa Reg: Maybe we should have let it rain!
Phineas: Don't worry, Grandpa! We've got a backup plan! (At Ferb) Ferb?
Ferb: (Pulls lever, Plane wings come out)
Grandpa Reg: Good show!
(Wing breaks)
Newspaper Boy: Extra, extr-- Aw, forget it.
Phineas: Well, that can't be good.
Grandpa Reg: Spot of tea?
Phineas: Yeah, all right.

Candace: Dad, can we speed up this pony ride a little?
Lawrence: Honey, I'll have you ladies home in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
(Tires screech)
Lawrence: Whoo! That was a close one.

(Telephone lines stretch; Boing)
(Tires screech)
Ferb: (Pulls wing, throws it in water)
(Bounce house deflates)
Kids: Aw.
(Engine revving)
(Crowd cheers)
Grandpa Reg: Good show, me boy! Good show!
(March theme)

(Scene shifts to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) The home of my former nemesis. Time to kick a little sand, eh, Perry the Platypus?
Doofenshmirtz: Tube socks? What is this, 1974? Well, it's too late now...oh! (Button beeps) What are you doing?

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Grandma Winifred: Home again, home again.
Candace: Ah, finally!
Grandpa Reg: Thank you, lads. For helping this old codger fulfill his dream.
Candace: (runs into the backyard) Ha! You guys are sooooo busted! (sees the gorge) Look at this, it's better than I thought! There's no way you're gonna get out of this one! (runs off) Oh, Mom? Mom?!!

(Scene shifts back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: Cut it out, Perry the Platypus! No grabbies! Ha! No stopping it now!
(Bucket clangs, Wind gusting)
Doofenshmirtz: Even on my Sand-Kicking machine; Sand!
(Bucket clangs, Boot flies, Soil patches gorge)
Agent P!
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

(Scene shifts to the backyard)
Grandpa Reg: Must say, love the new anthem.
Phineas: Hey, Perry.
Grandpa Reg: But I do miss the old one. Couldn't I hear it one last time?
Phineas: You got it, Grandpa. One last time, girls!
Isabella/Fireside Girls: (Dirge-like) He's a Fishmonger, and he flies (X2)

(It rains; the area where the dirt was dumped in the gorge makes new grass grow just before Candace comes in)
Candace: These two have really done it this time, Mom, (with eyes closed) look at what they did to the backyard!
(horror sting)
Linda: Wow! (gasps, her perspective) You guys made the lawn look great! (At this point, Candace turns around) Oh, it's all weeded and watered. Oh, well done.
Candace: I...I... (Squeaks) I...
Linda: What else did you do today?
Grandpa Reg: Well, these two roister-doisters wheeled out me old iron, built a crackin' match for McGregor's Gorge, and helped this daft ol' git one last knees-up.
(Phineas looks at Ferb in a "translate-for-me" kind of way)
Ferb: I have absolutely no idea.

End credits

(Song: The Flying Fishmonger)
Choir: Holy, Holy Mackerel (X3)
Phineas: He's bald on top, he's got an artificial hip
He's gonna take a hop, he's gonna take a trip
He's weak in the knees, and he can't find his keys
But put your hands together, 'cause he's here to please
He's a Flyin' Fishmonger
Fireside Girls: (Flyin' Fishmonger!)
Phineas: He's a Flyin' Fishmonger
Fireside Girls: (Death-Defying wonder!)
Phineas: He's a Flyin' Fishmonger with nerves of steel
He's got an old blender motor and a pair of wheels

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