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The Inator Method/Transcript

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(Open on the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Candace: (from inside) C'mon, c'mon...
(Cut to Candace's bedroom where she is engaged in some online role-playing game on her laptop.)
Candace (cont'd): ...Stace! Cover me! We need to find...
(Cut to reveal she is playing a Ducky Momo themed game.)
Candace (cont'd): ...the Bridge across the Dumbledown River before that stupid gopher!
Stacy: (on laptop) I got your back, girl! Coin!
Candace: I'm on it!
Stacy: C'mon! C'mon! (Ducky Momo retrieves the coin) Nice! You did it, Candace!
Candace: Yes! Third on the leaderboard, baby! That digital Ducky Momo!
Stacy: Ours.
Candace: Ours.
Linda: (walking in with a piece of paper) Candace, oh, good, you're up. You'll have plenty of time to tackle the list of chores that you let pile up.
Candace: But, Mom, Stacy and I are this close to kicking leaderboard butt in Ducky Momo's Golden Quest!
Linda: Well, your chores better be done before I get back from running my errands.
Candace: No problemo, Mom! You're lookin' at the queen of mul...ti...tas...king!
Linda: Just make sure you hit the whole list, Your Majesty. (leaves) See ya later.
Candace: 'Kay! (back on laptop) Ooh! Ooh! Squirrel bandits!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb outside sitting under their tree as usual. There is a long awkward period of silence until Ferb moves his eyes.)
Phineas: Ha! You lose, bro! Eye shifts count! Ya moved!
(Baljeet and Buford come in. Baljeet is wearing a spinning model of the solar system on his head.)
Baljeet: Actually, you did, too. Since our planet's orbit of speed around the sun is 67,000 miles per hour and you are on its surface and speeding around the sun as well. (Buford spins the hat on Baljeet's head.) Quit it!
Phineas: Cool hat, Baljeet!
Baljeet: Thank you! I got it at Astro Camp today. (Buford spins it again.) Quit turbocharging the little speed of my solar system!
Buford: What? I'm racin' 'em against each other. (Spins it again.)
Phineas: That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!
Buford: Smack Baljeet's head around?
Phineas: No! We're gonna build a solar system and race the planets!
Buford: Only if I can smack around Baljeet's hat!
Baljeet: Hey, where is Perry?
(Cut to Perry on the roof. His theme music is heard and then he does a little dance down the chimney and comes out dirty with a chimney sweeping brush like in Mary Poppins.)

(Cut to Agent P's lair. Monogram is on screen giving a speech of some sort.)
Major Monogram: Only you can make the decision to succeed. You've got to dig down deep within yourself and grab ahold of your dream! (pause) Go ahead. Grab it. (beat) I'll wait. (Agent P drops in.) Oh, Agent P! Uh, I've been giving a motivational speech to the interns, and, uh, by "interns", I mean Carl.
Carl: (offscreen) Very inspirational, sir.
Major Monogram: Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has rented out a conference hall at the Danville Motel Inn and is giving some kind of motivational lecture. Who would want motivation from him is beyond me, but, well, that's beside the point. Pick up your credentials at the front desk. (Perry the Chimneypus salutes.) Good luck, Agent P! (Perry's chair lowers back and is launched from it by a spring.)

(Cut to the hallway. Candace walks in with her chores strapped to her head and her laptop strapped onto her chest.)
Candace: I'm all hooked up and ready to multitask. First on the list, wash dishes. (She dusts the table while walking. Sidenote: Don't try this at home.) Now where did we leave off?
Stacy: (on laptop) I think we were headed into the forest with the Grizzly King. Are you sure you don't wanna wait until you finished your chores?
Candace: Oh, please, Stacy, I've got everything under control. Let's tackle the mountain kings vicious!

(Cut to the house, which has a huge beam in the backyard. Zoom out to reveal a giant solar system model attached to it.)
Isabella: (offscreen) Hey, Phineas, whatcha doin'?
(Cut to the backyard.)
Phineas: Ferb and I were just headin' up to our solar system speedway. We're gonna have a planet race.
Isabella: Cool!
(They go up the elevator.)
Phineas: The first one to complete 50 laps around the sun wins the Galaxy 5000! Technically, it should be "The Galaxy 50", but, y'know, "The Galaxy 5000" sounds so much cooler. (Cut to the top level, where Irving is seen at the control panel.) Ferb is racing Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. (Ferb puts on his helmet and gives a thumbs-up and gets sucked up a tube into his racing planet.) I'm racing Mars. I saved Venus for you.
Isabella: Aw, because Venus is the goddess of love?
Phineas: (shrugs) Actually, I didn't even think of that. But sure. (Phineas and Isabella put on their helmets and get sucked up the tubes.)
Irving: Alright, racers, status check!
Baljeet: Saturn, check!
Buford: Oo-ran-ohs, check!
Baljeet: Buford, that is not how it is pronounced!
Buford: It is on this channel!
Irving: Venus?
Isabella: Intergalactic Planetary Racing Patch, check!
Irving: Mars?
Phineas: All ready!
(Whip pan to reveal the other racers.)
Irving: Earth?
Jenny: Earth is ready to go!
Irving: Neptune?
Balthazar: Check!
Irving: Jupiter?
Django: Check!
Albert: Pluto is go!
Irving: Albert?! What are you doing here?! Pluto isn't even a planet!
Albert: That is still in dispute.
Irving: Racers, start your planets!
(The sun turns red, then yellow, then green.)
Irving: What a break! Earth is in the lead, with Jupiter and Neptune rushing up to the challenge, but they take each other out! The Fireside Girls maintain their lead!

(Cut to Candace multitasking at the kitchen sink.)
Candace: Watch out for the fiery falling marshmallows, Stace!
Stacy: (on laptop) I'll turn them into s'mores with my super sugar squeal! Bye bye, Wonder Kid!
Candace: Okay, I'll go collect the coins in the Cocoa Campground. Now to get the laundry started!
(Cut to the sink to reveal that Candace forgot to turn it off.)

(Cut to:)
Doofenshmirtz motivational seminar
Doofenshmirtz: Welcome, you lucky people in attendance, I am Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and I'm here to introduce you to my eight-step program to ruling the Tri-State Area! I- I mean overcoming obstacles and a path self-fulfillment. Heh, heh! Right! Nothing evil there. Anyhoo, behold, the Inator Method! Hit it, Norm!
(Cut to Norm behind a merchandise counter playing an acoustic guitar.)
(Song: The Inator Method)
Doofenshmirtz: Maybe you're a loser who's been sleeping in his car,
Or a crazy person saving all their toenails in a jar. (Nice!)
There may be many reasons you can count yourself subpar,
But the biggest one is you've signed up for this here seminar.

But I'm the guy who'll give you all the answers
Sit back, relax, and I will cue my backup dancers.

Backup dancers: The inator Method!
Doofenshmirtz: It's the method with all the solutions...
Backup dancers: The inator Method!
Doofenshmirtz: This is the one! Don't accept substitutions!
Backup dancers: The Inator Method!
Doofenshmirtz: Soon you'll see that the only conclusion is to...
Doofenshmirtz and Backup Dancers: Follow those impulsive urges,
You'll know that you'll want to purchase now!
The Inator Method!
(Cheers, applause, and whistles)
Doofenshmirtz: That's what I'm talkin' about! Yeah! (Agent P drops in) P-Perry the Platypus, whatta you doin' here? Y-You're not s'posed to be here 'til step 3. (to audience) You have to excuse me while I confer with my visual aid. (to Perry) I'm on stage, so I'm gonna have to forego the long backstory. Suffice it to say, there was a judge's ruling involved, okay? Anyway, just take a seat in the back and I'll cue you when you're on. (Perry exits) Perry the Platypus, ladies and gentlemen! You'll be seeing more of him later during the nemesis portion of the seminar.

(Cut to Candace at the washing machine.)
Candace: Oh, sweet! We made it to the golden key of Crumblebum Dwarfs!
Stacy: (on laptop) Candace, it's the gopher!
Candace: (not paying attention to how much detergent she's putting in) I'll put a stop to you, you gold key-swipin' gopher!
Stacy: (on laptop) Just get the key! Oh, man!
Candace: Aw, stupid gopher!
Stacy: Now we're back to third place!
Candace: Ugh! I guess we'll just have to get him on the next level. (looks at detergent) Did I put the..? (shrugs) Hmm. (puts in the last of the detergent) Better clean than dirty. (Closes the lid and turns the washing machine on.) I'm one totally focused multitasking genius!
(As soon as Candace leaves, loads of suds emerge from the washing machine.)

(Cut back to the race.)
Irving: It's a virtual dead-heat with the planetary trine between Mercury, Mars and Venus! Phineas is out in front by a pointed nose! But check out the cool inverted move from Ferb! Watch out, boys! Venus is risin' fast!
Ferb: She went intra-Venus right between us.

(Cut back to the seminar.)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, so now that we got the basics covered, we can get to the fun part. Let's start with trapping your nemesis. (Cut to Perry with a nametag lanyard on taking notes. He gets trapped by the lanyard.) Nametag, you're it!
Perry: (chatters angrily)
Doofenshmirtz: The keys to a good trap are the element of surprise and, also, if you can work in a good pun . That's always nice.
Dude 1: Uh, what about constraint and effectiveness?
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, yeah, th-that'll be covered in the thwarting portion of our seminar. Don't...Don't get ahead of yourself. Okay, step four is the big reveal! (Takes tarp off his inator.) Behold: the Motivate-inator! (The screen behind him says "Music Sting", which plays.) The music sting. That totally ups the drama. So what does it do? I'm glad you asked! You, come on up here, I'll sh-I'll show ya. Let's give him a big hand for being such a sport, shall we? (The dude that asked the question in the audience comes up to applause.) Alright, what's your name?
Dude 1: Billy.
Doofenshmirtz: (shakes Billy's hand) Great to meet ya, Billy! Tell me, (motions toward the back of the room) whadaya see over there in the back of the room?
(Whip pan to Norm behind the merchandise counter waving.)
Billy: Uh...I dunno, a table full of stuff?
Doofenshmirtz: Did everyone take note of his reply? (walks behind the inator) Totally lackluster. But that's all gonna change. Okay, Billy, now hold still. (Fires the inator on Billy) Now whadaya see, Billy?
Billy: (excitedly gasps) Inator Method merchandise! (runs up to the counter and purchases practically everything) Tapes, DVDs, books, audiobooks, now! Now! T-shirts, hats, that is so cool! I gotta have 'em!
Doofenshmirtz: Now look at him! All full of pep! He's completely motivated!
Bald Man: (speaking in a female voice) Wait a second! He's just motivated to buy your junk! This is nothin' but a money-makin' scam!
Doofenshmirtz: Exactly, what better motivation is there? (zaps the entire audience and they storm the merchandise counter)

(Cut to Candace vacuuming and still playing her game.)
Candace: Nice work, Stace! That last mega-wallow in the Razzleberry Swamp puts us back in second place. (lets go of the vacuum, which attempts to suck the rug right up)
Stacy: (on laptop) What?! I can barely hear you over the vacuum!
Candace: Oh, hang on. (leaves the room and the vacuum still on) Is that better?
(Cut back to the seminar. One of the attendees is about to be videotaped.)

Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) Testimonials, take one.
Man 3: I came to this seminar with no intention of buying anything and look at all this junk I bought!
Man 4: Holy cow, I bought a lotta stuff I don't need!
Woman: I just can't stop spending money on the Inator Method's motivational products!
Doofenshmirtz: Woohoo! With all the cash I'm raking in, I'll be able to take over the Tri-State Area in no time! (A woman gives him a book, which he signs.) Thank you very much. Nice doin' business with ya.
(Cut to Perry on the ground. During the following, he gets up and struggles to get out of his trap.)
Doofenshmirtz: (offscreen) And who do I make this out to?
Man 5: (offscreen) Uncle Phil.
Doofenshmirtz: "To Uncle Phil, I'm wishing you the worst. Dr. Heinz Doofen—" Ow! (He gets kicked by Perry.)

(Cut to Candace's laptop.)
Candace: (offscreen) This is it, Stace! The Golden Treasure of Utter Momosity! Oh, no, you don't! Leap of doom!
Candace and Stacy: (Cheer)
Candace: Woohoo! We did it! (A digital trophy appears onscreen.) Oh, it's so beautiful!
(Song: Awesome)
Awesome Awesome Awesome!
Awesome Awesome Awesome!
Number one in the Momo Realm! (sees a planet speeding out the window) With time to spare for an astronomical bust!

(Cut back to the race)
Irving: Buford is in the lead with Baljeet close behind!
Baljeet: Ha ha! I am going to run rings around you, Ice Giant!
Buford: Bring it on, dweeb!
Baljeet: Eat my dust, Buford!
(Saturn bumps Uranus out of the frame.)
Irving: Ooh! The silent-but-deadly planet has left for parts unknown! (A horn is sounded and a robotic arm waves a checkered flag.) And Baljeet wins a digital trophy!
Baljeet: Victory!

(Cut back to the seminar, where Perry is fighting with Doof.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, hold still so I can throw the book at ya! (Perry throws one at him) Ow! (The book hits the inator, which, as always, zaps out the window and hits an unsuspecting driver, who stops outside the backyard and sees the solar system.)

(Cut to the backyard.)
Phineas: Great race, Baljeet!
Trucker: 'Scuse me, I don't normally run into strangers' backyards, but I'm inexplicably motivated to buy your solar system racetrack. How much?
Buford: Five bucks.
Trucker: Sold!

(Cut to Linda coming in the house holding groceries.)
Linda: I'm home! How did you do on that lis—Oh! (gets grabbed by Candace)
Candace: Mom Mom Mom, you gotta see what Phineas and Ferb built in the backyard!
(Cut to the living room with the still functioning vacuum.)
Linda: Candace, the living room!
Candace: (pushes her mother out) I know! I vacuumed!
(Cut to the garage, which is now full of suds.)
Candace: (offscreen) C'mon! C'mon!
Linda: But the laundry!
Candace: (keeps pushing her mother) I know! I just have to fold it!
(Cut to the still running kitchen sink.)
Linda: The dishes?
Candace: All done and ready to be put away! (With her eyes closed) Look!
Phineas: Hi, Mom! Hi, Candace!
Linda: Hi, kids. Well, at least the backyard isn't a mess.
Candace: What?!
Linda: Come on, Candace, (walks back inside) you have a lot of cleaning up to do.
Candace: But...but but but...
Phineas: Well, that was a lot of interplanetary fun!
Buford: Plus, we made five bucks!
Baljeet: We should put that in the bank.
Buford: At 1% interest?! Are you kiddin'?!

(Cut back to the seminar. Perry drops down onto the inator and pushes the self-destruct button with his foot.)
Doofenshmirtz: Noooooo!!!! Ah, man! Now I'm gonna have to use the money I made for repairs and medical bills.
(The attendees all gather and complain to Doof.)
Doofenshmirtz: Now, now, now, wai-wait! (He walks out the building and looks both directions. He then runs and screams as the planetary race track goes by.) AAAaaah!!! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!!!

End Credits

(Song: The Inator Method)
Doofenshmirtz: Maybe you're a loser who's been sleeping in his car,
Or a crazy person saving all their toenails in a jar. (Nice!)
There may be many reasons you can count yourself subpar,
But the biggest one is you've signed up for this here seminar.

But I'm the guy who'll give you all the answers
Sit back, relax, and I will cue my backup dancers.

Backup dancers: The inator Method!

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