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(Scene opens at the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Phineas: Well Ferb, after that long, winded argument of yours, I agree. (shows blueprint) We'll build a Monorail to Mars! (Candace walks by) Now all we need is 36 million miles of steel--
Candace: What is wrong with you two? Can't you think of something normal to do like making a lemonade stand or picking your nose or something? (Ferb pulls out device) That better not be a nose picking machine! (Ferb puts it down) Yeah, that's right.
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?


(Scene shifts to Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Agent P, I'm glad you're here. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been hoarding all of the paper in the Tri-State Area. Find out what he's got up his sleeve, other than, apparently, an enormous amount of paper. Good luck, Agent P.
(Perry salutes and leaves.)


(Switches to the interior of the Flynn-Fletcher house. The doorbell rings and Candace goes to answer the door.)
Candace: (opens the door without even looking at Stacy) So you boys just try and pull one over on me...
Stacy: Hey, Candace!
Candace: 'Cause I'm gonna be on you all day like... like a book on a shelf! No, that's stupid.
Stacy: Candace?
Candace: Like a beard on a face! Ew! No, no, no.
Stacy: Candace?
Candace: Like a light switch on a wall! That's on! Like I am! On you!
Stacy: CANDACE!! Ready to go to the mall?
Candace: The mall? Uh, uh...
(Phineas and Ferb are seen drawing up blueprints)
Phineas: Don't mind us, ladies. We're just sitting here making every day of summer count.
Candace: You know, I can't really leave right now, I mean, clearly, I'm gonna have some serious busting to do around here, and you understand, don't you?
Stacy: (Glares) No, I don't understand! We've been planning this for like three weeks! It's like four months in teenager years!
Candace: They're using protractors!
Stacy: Candace, I am tired of taking the backseat to the totally unlikely chance that you will bust your brothers. I want a best friend I can count on. So, you're gonna have to choose: It's me, or busting.
Candace: You're making me choose? You wouldn't dare.
Stacy: Yu-huh!
Candace: Yu-nothing! A real best friend would never do that to me!
Stacy: A real best friend wouldn't make me do that to her.
Candace: Then, I guess you're not my best friend.
Stacy: Not anymore. (leaves)
Candace: Fine!
Stacy: Fine!
Candace: Fine!
Stacy: Fine!
Candace: FINE!


(Switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)
Doofenshmirtz: Finally! The plumber. The garbage disposal is stuck again. The same one you fixed last week, by the way! And while you're at it--(exclaims) Oh, who needs to see that?! Yeesh! Oh, I'll be in the other room. I mean, oh, for crying out loud--(Perry gives him the bill) What, you're done already? You've only been here for, like 15 seconds. And I was talking for, like half of that. What kind of a plumber are you?
(Perry chatters then removes the hat)
Doofenshmirtz: A platypus plumber?
(Perry puts on his fedora)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the platypus plumber?
(Perry removes the tool belt then gets into fighting position)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus?! (traps Perry in a roll of toilet paper) Ha ha, ha ha ha! Amazing what you can do with toilet paper! Which you would know, if you were a real plumber. In fact, it's amazing what you can do with all kinds of paper! (showing several stacks of paper in the background) And no, I'm not a hoarder.


(Switches back to the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Candace: Gotcha! It's a good thing I threw away a lifelong friendship to keep an eye on you two and your ridiculous...uhhh???
Phineas: Lemonade stand. We liked your idea so much, we decided to go for it. And it's turning out to be a big hit.
Balthazar: Wow! This is the best lemonade I've ever had! Hit me again! (Ferb pours him some more lemonade)
Candace: A regular old lemonade stand? That's it? Huh. That means there's, uh, nothing for me to bust today, which means...I have a free day! Phineas and Ferb, I've got to hand it to you. Finally, I can like normal mediocre kids doing normal mediocre stuff. Thanks for giving me the day off!
(The camera then pans right to reveal a giant lemonade-making machine in the back yard. The lemonade maker then squeezes some lemons and gives a thumbs-up)


(Switches back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that's a lot of paper. Would you like to know what I'm going to do with it all? Well, I'll tell you. (retracts a screen in front of Perry and the show begins)
Man: Birth of an inator! The wheel, the light bulb, the frozen pop with two sticks, so you can give half to a friend. All profound inventions in their time, but they fail in comparison to the Paper-Cut-Inator (shows a picture of a machine with a cannon with claws around it)...(???) of the world-renowned evil genius Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
(showing a horrible picture of the said doctor)
Doofenshmirtz: I was sick that day!
Man: This new and exciting inator turns any kind of paper, into razor sharp slicing missiles (pronounced as Mis-eye-lles) and hurls them toward an unsuspecting tri-state-area...watch out Danville!!
(one of the paper slices pokes a man)
Second man: Ouch! Something bit me!
Man: That something is evil science, tiger! Good thing the local pharmacy is fully stocked with new Doofenshmirtz Brand Adhesive bandages (shows a bandaid with the sick Doofenshmirtz face as the logo). They are terrific and expensive! And brought to you by Danville's newest soon-to be trillionaire, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. (the picture is seen again) Thanks, Heinz!
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that picture's gonna haunt me.
Man: And happy evil!
Doofenshmirtz: (video off)Not bad, huh? I'm gonna do all of my Inator introductions like that from now on! It just so much more professional looking!  (Perry rolls his eyes)


(Switches to Candace walking through the suburbs)
Candace: I'm going to the mall! I'll call Stacy. No, wait. Stacy's mad at me. And I'm mad at Stacy! But I can't go by myself. I'll look like a total dork. Okay, I'll just get a new best friend!
(Candace goes to Jenny's house and knocks. Jenny answers the front door)
Jenny: Hey, Candace.
Candace: Hey there, Jenny. As of no doubt you heard, Stacy has elected not to renew her option on being my best friend. So, as someone who has expressed interest in the past, I thought you might want to bail yourself of this exciting opportunity.
Jenny: Come on, Candace. You just want someone to go to the mall with you.
Candace: Will you go?
Jenny: Sorry, but I can't. I've got to get to the save the pigeons rally. Save the pigeons!
Candace: Okay, got to cast that net a little wider. (going through list of names in phone) Jeremy? No, I can't talk about Jeremy with Jeremy. Mad at Stacy. Jenny, pigeons. Mom? No way! Yuck! How did HE even get in here?! Delete! Okay, who next? (more rapidly at each turn) Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. Jeremy, Stacy, Jenny, Mom. (gasps) How can I only have four friends?! And one of them's my mom!
Girl 1: Hey, best friend!
Candace: Huh?
Girl 1: I've been looking everywhere for you!
Candace: Oh, my gosh, I don't know you, but okay!
Girl 1: Come here. Let's go to the mall.
Girl 2: Hey, did you see that lonely girl?
Girl 1: Yeah, she was all by herself and singular.

(Switches back to P&F Lemonade)
Phineas: (as the customers clamor) I'm glad people are enjoying their lemonade, but it's getting really hard to keep up. We better check in with Isabella. Isabella, how is phase two coming along?
Isabella: Hold on, Phineas! (at the Fireside Girls) A little more to my left. (at Phineas) Franchise locations are a go.
Phineas: Easy, folks. Relief is on the way. (Adyson hands some of the customers some flyers)
AdysonHere you go.
Ballpit Kid: Hey, everyone! It says there's a new Phineas and Ferb lemonade stand opening with no wait!
(customers cheering)
Lemonade man: They have a lemonade stand inside the grocery store, the bookstore, and the mall. It's even being served on my favorite airline! (rips shirt to reveal his chest tattoo of the P&F lemonade corporation; and puts on lemonade-shaped hat) YEAH! OH, YEAH! LEMONADE! IN YOUR FACE, ORANGE JUICE! BOO-YAH! THAT'S RIGHT, BOO! YAH! LEMONADE!
Phineas: Okay, no more for that guy.


(Switches back to D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: Let me show you my Paper Cut-inator in action!
(He steps on the edge of the toilet paper, causing Perry to spin very quickly, then shoves some paper into the Paper-Cut-inator) First, we get a piece of paper, and then we put it in and--oh! That auto-feeder. It scares me every time! Okay, Danville. Get ready for some serious minor cuts in liberations!
(The Paper-Cut-inator starts warm up while Doofenshmirtz takes out a pair of binoculars)
I wouldn't want to be getting one of those rejuvenating sea salt scrubs right now. The stinging would be unbearable! It just takes a little while to warm up.
(Perry continues spinning)


(Switches to Candace, sadly walking through Danville,not noticing P&F lemonade franchises signs)
Candace: Wow! Finding a new best friend is even harder than I thought! Makes me kinda miss Stacy! Why did I let our friendship go?

(Song: "You're My Better Best Friend")
Today I've learned a lesson,
What a best friend shouldn't do,
I put busting my brothers
Ahead of you,
You were always there for me,
On you I could depend,
And now, too late, I realize
I should've been a better best friend!
(Ooh-wow-wow-wow-wow)

I said things I shouldn't have,
Did things I shouldn't do,
Guess I forgot that you cannot
Spell "us" without "U"

(Candace somberly drinks some lemonade she has bought from Buford)
Buford: So you lost your best friend, huh? Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my best friend once. Little guy, all yellow-y and scaly. His name was Biff, turned into this whole brouhaha. I had to fight a squid.
(record needle scratches)
Candace: Wait a min--wait a minute, what you're trying to say is that if Stacy is really my best friend, I should just apologize to her. And if I'm really Stacy's best friend, she'll take me back! (runs off)
Buford: Oh, sure! It's all about you!

Candace: It's not too late to fix this! I can still have a best friend forever! Stacy, there she is! Right next to the Phineas... and Ferb... Lemonade stand. (looks at the cup she has been drinking from, realizing she has been drinking from Phineas and Ferb Lemonade, followed by several of the P&F lemonade franchises, until finally stopping at a beauty salon where some one is doing Linda's hair) Mom! I'll tell mom! But wait! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Mom! Stacy! Stom! Macy! Seven! Wolverine! Shish kebab! Marmalade! Hominahaa... (mutters indistinctly)


(Switches to D.E.I., where the Paper-Cut-inator is still warming up)
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, it's almost warmed up. Are you watching Perry the-- What? What the...?
(Perry ceases spinning and rips the toilet paper roll in two, freeing himself)
Doofenshmirtz: How did you get out of that!? It's two ply!
(Perry throws spitballs at Doofenshmirtz while his theme song plays instrumentally in the background)
Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Spitballs? Oh, I get it. Paper fight! (makes a figure used in paper football and throws it at Perry who ducks and raises two arms as the paper football flies between his arms) GOAL!!!
(Perry makes a paper fortune teller and uses it against Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: I am NOT in love with Sophie! I am not! Oh, you're gonna get it now, Perry the Platypus! (puts on paper hat) Boom! (no effect) Well, that doesn't do much. I'm gonna get you with the Paper-Cut-inator! (trips) Flypaper? Well, it doesn't matter! Look!
(Paper-Cut-inator emits one slip of paper, while a "thump" sound is heard)
Doofenshmirtz: One piece? That's it?
(Perry puts a plunger in the auto-feeder)
Doofenshmirtz: A plunger jam?! Ah, I hate those! They always make the Paper-Cut-Inator-- (Hundreds of paper slices fly around Doofenshmirtz injuring him all around) EEEEEEE-Explode! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!


(the slip of paper gives the lemonade-making machine a paper cut)
Lemonade-Making Machine: (squeezes lemons which squirt in the paper cut) LEMON JUICE! (It malfunctions, causing all P&F lemonade stands to go out of business)
Phineas: Sorry, folks, we're sold out!
(Crowd groans in disappointment)

Buford: Go home, you losers, we're dry!
Crowd: (groaning in disappointment)
Buford: Biff (sobbing)

(Switches to a street corner where Linda meets Candace, while she sees Stacy boarding a bus)
Linda: Hey, Candace, isn't that Stacy over there? Hi, Stacy.
Stacy: (looks at Candace)
Linda: You okay, honey?
Bus driver: Come on, kid. I'm on a schedule.
Candace: (looks at the lemonade stands)
Bus driver: Come on, kid. In, or out?
(A blimp is seen deflating in the background)
Linda: Candace?
Candace: Mom, there's something I got to tell you.
Linda: What is it, honey?
Candace: That if you want me, I'll be at the mall with Stacy.
Linda: Um...okay.
Stacy: (as she and Candace board the bus) Welcome back, best friend.
Candace: Thanks, best friend.
Stacy: I have had my eye on the cutest pink dress for you.
(bus departing)
Linda: Aww. It's nice to see Candace enjoying herself for a change. Now, where are those lemonade stands I keep hearing about?

(Switches to the Flynn-Fletcher house once more)
Phineas: Well, Ferb, I think it's time to shut her down.
Ferb: (claps twice)
(The lemonade-making machine diverts back into the original backyard the second Linda's car pulls up)
Linda: Hi, boys. So, what did you two do today?
Ferb: Just normal, mediocre kid stuff.
Linda: Sounds great.
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.
(Perry chatters)


(Switches to Evil Incorporated once more)
Vanessa: Hey, Dad! I just got some great lemonade from the new stand down the street. It's really sour. Do you want to--(slips on some paper; exclaims)
Doofenshmirtz: (screaming)
(lemonade spilling)
OW, THAT SMARTS, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!
Vanessa: Uh, Dad? You know he's not here, right?
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, I know, but I'm sure it's his fault.

End Credits

(Song: "You're My Better Best Friend")
I said things I shouldn't have,
Did things I shouldn't do,
Guess I forgot that you cannot
Spell "us" without "U"
Buford: So you lost your best friend, huh? Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my best friend once. Little guy, all yellow-y and scaly. His name was Biff, turned into this whole brouhaha. I had to fight a squid.

Wah, wah, wah, wah!

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