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The Mom Attractor/Transcript

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(Scene opens up with Candace relaxing in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.)
Candace: (to Stacy on the cell phone) Ok, Stace. I'm all set up. Nothing could get in between me and some good old fashioned vitamin D!
Stacy: (on the cell phone) What about busting your brothers?
Candace: Don't worry. I can do both! (grabs a pair of binoculars) I've got a perfect view of them from where I'm sitting. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I'm all up in their grill and they don't have a clue!
Phineas: Hi, Candace.
Candace: (screams) Hey, don't you know it's rude to sneak up on someone who is trying to spy on you?
Phineas: Sorry.
Candace: What are you guys doing?
Phineas: Well, you know how we do something new everyday?
Candace: No!
Phineas: Oh, well, we try to build some big project or do something...
Candace: I'm aware of the concept, Phineas. I was just being sarcastic.
Phineas: Really? Hey, that was pretty good. Wow, I totally fell for it. (to Ferb) Ferb, I totally fell for it...
Candace: Anyway...
Phineas: Oh, right, anyway, Ferb and I decided that today, we're gonna let you pick what we're gonna do today!
Candace: Let me get this straight. You are going to allow me to pick what you are gonna build today.
Phineas: That's about the size of it, Candace.
Candace: Size! That's it! It's got to be huge. No, wait, you built a skyscraper to the moon and who knows where that went. (the camera reveals the current location of the skyscraper) No, if this summer has taught me anything, it's not the size of the project that's important. What matters is proximity. Mom's proximity. (at herself) Think, Candace, think. This could be the most important decision of your entire summer. Something that will make Mom come and see what you are building. Hmm, what will that be? (gasps) A Mom Attractor!
Phineas: Cool! You mean, like, a big tractor mother with all its little baby tractors?
Candace: No, I mean, a Mom Attractor. A big contraption that will attract Mom so that she'll come home and see what you guys built.
Phineas: Well, you heard the lady. (to Ferb) Ferb, she knows what we're gonna do today.
Candace: How can I help?
Phineas: Well, we're gonna need a list of things that Mom likes.
(Camera goes inside of the Flynn-Fletcher house, showing Lawrence Fletcher reading a book.)
Candace: Oh, hey, Dad! You know Mom pretty well.
Lawrence: Oh, yes. I'd like to think so, yes.
Candace: I'm trying to think of things that Mom likes.
Lawrence: Oh, so many things, really. Music, hobbies, you kids. Ooh! You know what she really likes, is my famous rhubarb creme brulee. I used to make it for her all the time when we were dating. Oh, it made her so happy. (Candace leaves but Lawrence doesn't notice her leaving.) You know, I should get out my toque and blowtorch and make one for her today. What a good idea, Candace. Thank you. (notices Candace has left) Candace? Well, all right then.


(Camera cuts to Perry making his entrance to his lair.)
Major Monogram: Ah, there you are, Agent P. Well, let's get down to brass tacks or whatever it is tacks are made of these days. It seems that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up all the polyethylene in town. It's a substance apparently used in disposable baby diapers. It could be an evil scheme or it could just be neutral. Get out there and absorb the situation. Now, since your hovercraft is in the shop, Carl has had to arrange last minute alternative transportation for you.
Carl: Yes. Hello, Agent P. So, yeah, go ahead and put on that fruit hat.
(A fruit hat appears beside Perry. He stares at the screen for a second before removing his fedora and putting on the fruit hat. Suddenly, a gorilla appears and transports Perry away from his lair.)


(The camera goes back to the Flynn-Fletcher house, showing Lawrence preparing to make a rhubarb creme brulee for Linda while singing the Quirky Worky song. He gets the things needed to make it before putting on a chef's hat.)
Lawrence: (gets a blowtorch and activates it, releasing a huge blue flame.) Whoo!


Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Doofenshmirtz: Gonna mallet, mallet, mallet in the morning. Mallet, mallet, mallet all day.
(The gorilla with Perry crashes behind Doofenshmirtz.)
Doofenshmirtz: What is this? Some sort of Latin gorilla cha-cha gram? Hola.
(Perry removes the fruit hat and puts on his fedora.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ay caramba! Perry the cha-cha gram? I mean, Platy... Obviously, you're Perry the Platypus.
(The gorilla leaves and just crashes through the door.)
Doofenshmirtz: And I was... Use the door! Yeah, that was, uh, hmm, not... Not, uh, good. Oh well. (pushes a button to trap Perry) There, that's better! I much prefer you trussed up in my happy Jump-inator! Which goes with the theme of my new scheme, the Baby-Cry-inator! I know what you're saying. "But, Heinz, you've already done a baby-themed evil plot." But this time, I've really nailed it. Let me explain.
(A screen rises up from the floor, which, with Heinz's control, shows several pictures that frequently depicts Roger.)
Doofenshmirtz: You remember my goody two-shoes brother, Roger, the mayor? It is a well-known fact that no politician can pass up kissing a baby for fear of alienating the electorate. This can be risky, though, because if the baby cries, you can alienate the electorate even worse than if you refuse to kiss the baby in the first place. This has never really been a problem for Roger, though, everybody loves Roger! Babies, voters, dogs, cats, guys with shovels, giant squid, you name it. But this little baby, and by "little baby", I mean enormous baby, is gonna change all of that! Today, when my brother is campaigning, every time he kisses a baby, I will uncork the Baby-Cry-inator, releasing such a wail that the voters will think he is universally hated by babies, and therefore, untrustworthy. I know it sounds complicated but I've thought this one through. Babies cry, everyone's unhappy, and I somehow take over. (a short pause) It's foolproof!


(Meanwhile, at the Flynn-Fletcher backyard...)
Phineas: Hey, Candace. Check it out.
Candace: Oh, my mom! That is so cool!
Phineas: Yep. The Attractor will extract the essence of things that Mom loves, and use it to attract Mom! (puts the following things inside an opening on the invention) Things like Mom's Love Händel albums, an assortment of her favorite chocolate and scented candles, and of course, Mom's lucky Viking helmet.
Candace: Why does she have one of those?
Ferb: Women are a mystery.
Candace: That's got to be one of the coolest things you've ever built.
Phineas: Yes, yes, it is.
Candace: Let's try it out.
(She pushes a button which closes the opening on the invention. Nothing happens afterwards.)
Candace: Hey, uh, I don't hear anything!
Phineas: That's 'cause you're not Mom.
Candace: (Her cell phone rings.) Hi, Mom. What? You feel a sudden and inexplicable urge to come home? (to Phineas and Ferb) (gasps) It's working! It's functioning properly.
Linda: (in a hair salon) Bye, ladies. I have a sudden and inexplicable urge to come home.
Candace: (back in the backyard) I am awesome! Awesome, awesome, awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome.
Phineas: Candace is awesome.
Phineas and Candace: Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome...

(Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)
Doofenshmirtz: (he is hammering the Baby-Cry-inator with a mallet softly.) Gonna mallet, mallet, mallet in the morning. Mallet, mallet, mallet all day. I don't know when I learned this mallet song, but it's really catchy.
(Perry tackles Doofenshmirtz using his trap.)
Doofenshmirtz: (grunts) Hey! Ow! (He sees Perry starting to charge towards the Baby-Cry-inator.) Hey, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that if I were...
(Having enough power, Perry jumps towards the Baby-Cry-inator. He removes the pacifier from the inator. The Baby-Cry-inator wails loudly, causing Doofenshmirtz to cover his ears.)

(At the Flynn-Fletcher front yard, Candace is waiting for Linda to come home.)
Candace: Come on, come on! Yes! Mom's coming! (Linda is shown running towards the house.) I just wanna remember this moment. Relish it. Revel in it. Bask in the sunlight of pure, busting bliss! (Candace continues to hear the Baby-Cry-inator's wail and wonders where is it coming from.) What is all that racket?
(The Baby-Cry-inator is once again shown, still wailing very loudly. In reaction to the Baby-Cry-inator's wail, Linda gasps. She then proceeds to run away from the house.)
Candace: Huh? Wait! Mom! (she runs back to the backyard) Phineas and Ferb, why is it not working?
Phineas: Oh, it's working, Candace. It's just that nothing attracts moms more than the sound of a baby crying!
(The Mom Attractor stands on its own.)
Mom Attractor: (in a robotic voice) Must soothe baby! (runs away from the house)
Phineas: Well, apparently, the Mom Attractor has become self-aware. Cool!
Candace: Wait, Mom!

(Song: We Are the Moms) (As the song plays, several mothers from different parts of Danville are leaving their work and marching to the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated in response to the baby's wail. While this is happening, Perry and Doofenshmirtz fight using several things, including the giant pacifier, the happy Jump-inator, and several baby toys.)

Mom mom, mom ma-mom mom mom mom
Mom mom, mom ma-mom mom mom mom

We're leaving our work, we're closing our laptops, and responding to the cry.
We gotta make sure the baby's fed and, more importantly, they're dry.

We're professional nose-wipers
And know every brand of diaper.
But you have to pay the piper.
Don't you ever call us gripers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We are the moms and we can't resist the calling.
We are the moms and we hear a baby bawling.
We are the moms and everything you've heard is all quite true.
'Cause moms will always come through.
Moms will always come through.

Ooh, yeah.
We are the moms who get you into your pajamas.
We are the moms and we could do without the drama.
We are the moms and we'll always do what mamas do.
'Cause moms will always come through.
'Cause moms will always come through.
'Cause moms will always come through.
'Cause moms will always come through.
'Cause moms will always come through.

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, the moms burst through Doofenshmirtz door.)
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, wait! (The camera shows the Mom Attractor climbing to the top of the building.) There's too many mommies! Do something!
(The Mom Attractor arrives at the top of the building to try to stop the Baby-Cry-inator's wail.)
Mom Attractor: Must soothe baby.
(The Mom Attractor gets the Baby-Cry-inator and pats it on its back. The Baby-Cry-inator's wail stops. All of the mothers immediately realize where they are and wonder what they are doing in the building.)
Mom 1: What am I doing here?
Mom 2: My goodness!
Mom 3: I better get back to pitching my board.
Mom 4: I need to pick up Will from soccer.
Mom 5: How did I get here?
(All of the mothers leave and get back to work.)


(At Roger Doofenshmirtz's campaign...)
P.A. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz.
Voter 1: What happened to that giant crying baby?
Voter 2: Roger Doofenshmirtz came and it just stopped.
Voter 1: Babies love him!
Voter 2: Four more years!
All: Four more years!

(Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)
Mom 6: Oh no! I left a pie in the oven.
Mom 7: Who's watching my classroom?
Mom 8: My watermelon!
(The camera shows that Doofenshmirtz's place was cleaned and shined.)
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, this place has never looked neater than this!
(Perry puts on his fruit hat once again, causing the gorilla to suddenly appear from the ground and take him.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no! I just had the place cleaned. Curse you, Perry the Platypus and your destructive, fruit-loving simian friend who doesn't know how to use the door! Curse him, too!

(At the Flynn-Fletcher house...)
Linda: Candace, let go!
Candace: Mom! Phineas and Ferb made a Mom Attractor and it's in the backyard! (opens the door to the backyard) See?!
Linda: Yes. (goes through gate) Yes, there is a Mom Attractor in the backyard.
Lawrence: Hello, darling. Look, I made my famous rhubarb creme brulee. Mmm, eh?
Linda: Don't mind if I do.
Candace: But -- they asked me to pick -- and I did -- and it worked -- and now -- it's gone! Where did it go? Where does it always go?!


(The camera reveals that the Mom Attractor is taking care of the Baby-Cry-inator while marching away.)
Baby-Cry-inator: Mama.
Mom Attractor: There. There.


(The camera cuts back to the backyard.)
Linda: This is too cool! Whose idea was this?
Lawrence: Oh, it was Candace's, actually.
Linda: (referring to Candace) You, my dear, are pretty awesome. (hands the rhubarb creme brulee to Candace.)
Candace: (sadly) Awesome, awesome, awesome...

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