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The Remains of the Platypus/Transcript

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Doofenshmirtz in his underwear!

(Scene begins at D.E.I. with Doofenshmirtz in his apartment, standing in his underwear, socks, and shoes, while an inator fires up behind him.)
Doofenshmirtz: I can't believe it! Just moments away from finally achieving full control of the Tri-State Area!
(Camera pans to Perry, dressed as a butler, running on a hamster wheel. After a few minutes, he smiles evilly.)
And I owe it all to you, Perry the Platypus, my trusted butler.
(Camera then pans to Carl's wrist communicator, lying on a nearby table. A swollen and bloated Monogram is shown on its monitor.)
Major Monogram: I won! I won!
(A trapped Carl, wearing a squirrel costume, grabs his wrist communicator and looks at it worriedly.)
Carl: No! Why didn't you listen?! Why?!
Doofenshmirtz: Quiet, you! I will not let you ruin this moment of pure joy!
(Right after he said that, Phineas and Ferb's invention crashes through the ceiling.)
Computer: Joy located.
(Li'l Saul and the Breakingham Palace Crew jump out as the invention lands on the ground.)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, my gosh! Everybody, it's Li'l Saul and the Breakingham Palace Crew!
Li'l Saul: Oy, poi, poi and a deetle, deetle, deetle!
(Breakingham Palace Crew starts dancing as a boombox plays music.)
Doofenshmirtz: (Dancing) This party's gonna be off the hook!
(Linda opens the door; the camera pans to Doofenshmirtz dancing then at Carl.)
Carl: It's not how it looks!
Linda: (enters the apartment) Uh, I think this is your... hat. I'll just be leaving now.
(Linda gives Carl the fedora, backs out of the apartment, and then closes the door.)
Well, this day couldn't get any weirder.
(Her cell phone rings and she sees that it's Candace.)
Well, I'm about to be proven wrong. (at Candace) Hi, Candace.
Candace: (In backyard) Mom! Mom! The cheese mountain remains, but the people have fled en masse!
Linda: (Getting into elevator) What are you talking about? What people?

Narrator: 5 minutes earlier.

(in the backyard)
(People runs out of Cheesetopia screaming from the swollen-up Monogram.)
Major Monogram: Come back! Wait! High five! Hey, don't leave me hanging!
Candace: (Talking on phone) Mom! Cheese! Huge! Scary! Home! Now!
Major Monogram: High five!
Candace: What happened to that guy?

Narrator: 15 minutes earlier.

(At D.E.I.)
Carl: (Talking to Monogram via wrist communicator) Sir, I think Agent P is working for... Sir? (Sees Monogram about to eat cheese in a contest at Cheesetopia) No! Don't do it! Don't do it!
(The cheese-eating contest begins and Monogram starts eating cheese and swelling up) No!
Doofenshmirtz: (Snatches Carl's wrist communicator and placing it on the table) We'll have none of that, Mr. Squirrel Man. Besides, you're too late.
Ever since Perry the Platypus quit your agency to become my butler, I have been freed up to create my ultimate inator, the Vaporizer-inator! With my mind now clear, I stumbled upon a scientific fact.
(Images show on screen behind Doofenshmirtz as he talks.)
Every object on Earth, when heated to a certain temperature, evaporates! With this, I'll be able to vaporize things at will, and create all kinds of mayhem! I'm a genius! (At audience) For realsies this time. (At Perry) Now, to your station, Perry the Butler!
(Perry begins to run on the hamster wheel, starting up the inator.)
Get ready, boys! When this baby powers up, it's gonna get hot in here!
(Rips off lab coat, leaving him in just his underwear, socks, and shoes.)
Carl: (Looking away) Happy place! Happy place!
Doofenshmirtz: Let's find our first target. How about... all the sand at the beach! (Sees that nobody is at the beach.) Wait. Hey, where is everybody?

Narrator: 25 minutes earlier.

(at the Flynn-Fletcher home where a tarp is covering something big.)
(Many people are either in a line or in the backyard.)
Phineas: Wow! I think this is the biggest turn-out we had all summer. Eh, Buford?
Buford: Yep. It couldn't get any cheddar than this.
(Phineas, Isabella and Baljeet start applauding wildly at him)
Phineas: Oh, bravo. Bravo!
Baljeet: How do you keep coming up with them?
Phineas: Showtime, Ferb!
(Ferb removes the tarp off the invention, revealing Cheestopia.)
Crowd: Ooh! Ooh!
Phineas: (At crowd) Cheesetopia is now open!
(People all cheer, hurry inside, and celebrate and play on all the different cheese-related activities inside.)

(Song: "Cheesetopia")
My fever starts to climb up above hundred degrees
When I fly through the breeze with ease upon my cheese trapeze
They know the cheese with ease-box squeeze, that is my expertise
Cheesetopia! Cheesetopia!

Your cheese in wildest dreams become reality,
Your fantasies of melted cheese up to your knees
Please try some cheddar peas and taste the Gouda cheese
Cheesetopia! (Cheesetopia)
Ahh Cheesetopia (Cheesetopia)

Phineas: It's like Utopia, with cheese!

Major Monogram: (In Cheesetopia, looking around.) Cheese? Cheese?
Isabella: Our cheese eating contest is about to begin!
Major Monogram: Cheese!
Carl: (Via Monogram's wrist communicator) Sir! Oh, why isn't he answering?
(Scene shifts to D.E.I.)
Oh, Agent P. If only you had your hat.

Narrator: 20 minutes earlier.

(Carl hangs onto the balcony of Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. with Perry's fedora, but it eventually floats away.)
Carl: Shoot!

(Song: "Perry's Hat")
Perry's hat, floats on the wind
I wonder where it is going?
Is there a head, it will anoint?
Is this herring red or a plot point?
Perry's hat

(Perry's fedora lands at Linda's feet, and Linda immediately picks it up. She then looks up and notices Carl as he hangs onto the balcony.)
Linda: That squirrel man dropped his hat. I should return it. I wonder what's he's doing up there.
Carl: Oh, well. I've got to find out what happened to Agent P.
(He gets into the apartment and hides behind something. Perry, who is busy dusting, notices him.)
Carl: (gasps; then ducks down)
(Perry tugs on Doofenshmirtz's pants then points with the feather duster.)
Carl: (shudders; runs off)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, and I just sprayed for squirrel men. (Doofenshmirtz activates a trap that Carl runs into.) Well, now, it appears that fate has dumped our mysterious guest like an immense pile of assorted "cheeses" onto the "lawn" of my evil lab. (pause) Yeah, I know it's a strange metaphor, but I stand by it.
Carl: Oh, Agent P, what have you been up to?

Narrator: 25 minutes earlier.

(Agent P is seen doing multiple tasks while Doofenshmirtz is seen experimenting, finishing with Perry taking the trash out.)
Doofenshmirtz: Very good, Perry the Butler. The trash chute is right down the hall. (gasps; notices Agent P's fedora lying on the ground) Hey wait, you forgot... (Picks up fedora) Oh, look at this thing, huh? Such memories! All the adventures, the excitement, the pummeling, the thwarting... Oh. You know, I'm feeling rather sentimental about it. (Tosses Perry's fedora off the balcony) Oh, well!
(The fedora floats through the air and lands outside of Squirrel Con, where Carl and other people are standing in line.)
Man in Squirrel Costume: Man, am I pumped for Squirrel Con!
Carl: Yeah! With everyone in costume there won't be any baleful looks of judgement. (Picks up Perry's fedora) Hey, this is Agent P's hat. There must be something wrong. (Calls Monogram through his wrist communicator) Major Monogram, we have a problem. (Shows Perry's fedora to Major Monogram) Look!
Major Monogram: Well, that doesn't look good. You can clearly see your zipper in the costume!
Carl: No! Agent P's hat.
Major Monogram: Oh, well, then, maybe you should look into it.
Carl: Me? Like a real agent? Yes, sir!
Major Monogram: As for me, I'm off to Cheesetopia! (Shows Carl a Cheesetopia poster.) It's Utopia, with cheese!
Carl: Sir, you remember what happens when you eat cheese?
Major Monogram: Uh, I've been cleared by doctors. Anyways, good luck, Carl.
Carl: Yes! Squirrel Con will have to wait!
Man in Squirrel Costume: Poor guy. I finished my deliveries early so I wouldn't have to miss this!

Narrator: 6 hours earlier.

Man in Squirrel Costume: (In delivery truck, with squirrel costume next to him) Last delivery of the day!
Phineas: (Behind truck, directing as truck places lots of cheese on the lawn) Okay! Just dump it right there like a caged guy in a squirrel costume! (At Ferb, who's standing next to him) What? I stand by that metaphor. (At Baljeet) All right, Baljeet, I need you to help Ferb with the foundation!
Baljeet: (Rolling a cheese wheel as Ferb balances on it) I am on it!
Phineas: Isabella, you and the Fireside Girls spread the word!
Isabella: (Salutes; is standing with other Fireside Girls as they all hold giant piles of pamphlets) Girls, get ready to get our Flyer Delivery Patches!
Adyson: (As they walk off) Again?
Isabella: Is there something you'd like to say, Adyson?
Phineas: And Buford, keep the cheese puns comin'!
Buford: (Sitting on a pile of cheese, eating) Sounds Gouda to me!
Phineas: Excellent!
Buford: (Sniffing) All right, who cut the cheese?
Baljeet: (As he and Ferb cut slices of smelly cheese, wearing gas masks) Sorry.

Narrator: 2 minutes earlier.

Candace: (Talking on phone while sitting in front of her computer) And then I typed in LOL, but it came out LOP, and Jeremy thought I meant... (sniffs the air) What's that smell? I'll call you later, Stacy. (Hangs up and looks out window, seeing cheese delivery.) Cheese, huh? That warrants a call to Mom! (Perry flies by on his jet-pack as she begins to dial.) What was that?

Narrator: 10 minutes earlier.

(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Baljeet laugh as Buford looks triumphant.)
Phineas: Ah, cheese. (Noticing Perry's disappearance) Hey, where's Perry?
(Perry falls into the seat in his lair, looking at the monitor.)
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. (Perry realizes the camera is zoomed in very close on Monogram's face.) Sorry about the extreme close-up. Carl's off today, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to work this thing. Anyway, we have reason to believe Doofenshmirtz is up to no good. Again, since Carl is out, I'll have to do the visual reference myself. (clears throat; begins to draw on pieces on paper, showing his pictures to Agent P.) He's recently purchased a small tux, a silver tray, and a pair of white gloves. Heh heh, I traced my hand for that one. Ooh, check this out! (Monogram draws details of a turkey on the hand.) Look, it's Agent T! (Perry glares then looks up in shock; Monogram leans down) What, too soon?
(Perry flies out of a hole in the ground using his jet-pack, crossing in front of Candace's window as he goes. Monogram, back on the lair monitor, sniffs the air.)
Major Monogram: Cheese?

Narrator: 15 minutes earlier.

(Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet stand in the backyard.)
Phineas: Why cheese?
Buford: 'Cause cheese is cool no matter how you slice it! (Sees no one is reacting.) What, am I provolone on this?
Phineas: No, I guess it's as good an idea as any. Nice cheese puns, by the way.
Buford: That's nothin'. I've already got a whole list of 'em.
Phineas: Besides, with the change in plans, we had nothing else prepared.
Isabella: Yeah, what did happen to your first invention?

Narrator: 5 minutes earlier.

(Candace runs up to Phineas and Ferb's original invention, which is sitting in the backyard. She is yelling to her mom, who is leaving off-screen.)
Candace: Wait, Mom, don't leave yet! Li'l Saul and the entire Breakingham Palace Crew are in here! (Knocking on invention) Come on, I know you're in there, Saul!
Computer: (Beginning to shake) Joy located.
Candace: Uh...
Li'l Saul: (As invention flies away) Oy, poi, poi, poi and a deetle deetle deetle!
Candace: (Calling back to her mom) Never mind! Have fun running errands!
Phineas: (Walking in the backyard with Ferb and his friends) But Saul and his crew were unemployed, and so I finally found them full-time in my celebration-seeking rocket. It hones in on joy, activates, and is guaranteed to kick any party up to an 11! Hey, where'd it go?
Candace: Now ya know how I feel. (walks away)
Ferb: Well, wherever it landed, I hope they can handle a party of that magnitude.

Narrator: Back to the present.

(Doofenshmirtz's apartment is now filled with people dancing along with Li'l Saul and the Breakingham Palace Crew.)
Doofenshmirtz: I'm not sure I can handle a party of this magnitude! (At Perry) Either way, we've got enough power for the inator now, Perry the Butler, you'd better tend to the guests.
(Perry gets off the hamster wheel and begins serving drinks to people, then stops by Carl's cage.)
Carl: Agent P, (spills the drink on Perry's tux) how could you have turned to the dark side? How could you have forsaken all that's good and right to be that maniac's butler? You don't belong in that uniform! You belong in this hat! (Carl takes Agent P's fedora and puts it on Perry's head, who looks at it, confused.) See?
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus! You have grape juice on your shirt. I can't have my manservant looking like a street urchin. You should go clean up before it sets. (Perry gives Carl the fedora back and walks away.) Ugh, it's so hard to get good help these days, even when you ride 'em like a bicycle.
(Carl looks at Perry's fedora worriedly. Meanwhile, Perry walks into the bathroom and begins to clean off the stain. He opens up his shirt to see "I Fight Evil" written backwards on his chest. He flashes back to earlier in the day, when Doofenshmirtz had Perry trapped in his Butler-inator.)
Doofenshmirtz: (As the Butler-inator takes measurements of Perry) When my Butler-inator is finished with you, not only will you have a perfectly-tailored uniform and wig, but you'll actually think you are my butler! You won't even remember that you fight evil for a living!
(As Doofenshmirtz's last line echoes, Perry writes "I Fight Evil" backwards on his chest, which reflects on the Butler-inator's mirror in front of him. Back in the present, Perry, minus the wig, gloves, and tux, bursts out of the bathroom, grabs his fedora from Carl and puts it on. Doofenshmirtz is busy dancing with the Breakingham Palace Crew.)
Doofenshmirtz: Man, you really kick this party up to an 11, man! (Perry knocks Doofenshmirtz to the ground.) Perry the Platypus, what's gotten into you? (Perry shows him the words on his chest.) "Thait I live"? What's that, some new band? (Perry grabs a mirror and Doofenshmirtz gasps.) Oh, "I fight evil"! Very clever. You wrote a note to yourself in the future. (Perry jumps at Doofenshmirtz again and begins to drag him across the floor.) I would not have predicted that.

(At the Flynn-Fletcher house, Linda has just pulled into the driveway. Candace is there to meet her.)
Candace: Mom! Mom! Mom! Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!

(Long horror sting. At D.E.I., Perry hits Doofenshmirtz into the Vaporizer-inator, which shoots off into the backyard, causing Cheesetopia to evaporate just as Candace pulls Linda into the backyard and gestures proudly, eyes closed.)

Linda: Candace, you know, we do have a nice backyard. (At this point, Candace opens her eyes) Although, I never noticed that cheese smell before. (walks away)
(Candace just stays there, staring.)

(Scene shifts to D.E.I.; Perry throws a chair into the Vaporizer-inator, causing it to break and have the lights at the party shut down.)
Doofenshmirtz: My inator!
Li'l Saul: (Looking at the joy meter on Phineas and Ferb's invention) Oy, the joy. It drops. Time for us to go already!
(Li'l Saul and the Breakingham Palace Crew jump into the invention and it takes off.)
Li'l Saul: (As the invention flies away) Oy, poi, poi, poi and a deetle, deetle, deetle!
Man at party: Well, no Saul, no ball. Let's split. (All the people at the party begin to leave.)
Doofenshmirtz: (Lying on the ground) Wait, wait. I was just about to break out the bubble machine! (Perry flies out of the building on his hang glider with Carl hanging from his feet as Doofenshmirtz yells after them.) Curse you, Perry the Platypus! And you, too, large squirrel man creature hybrid thing!

(Phineas and his friends walk into the backyard.)
Phineas: Huh. Who would've thought a high-fiving swollen guy would've scared everyone off like that? (Everyone notices Cheestopia is gone and gasps, running over to where it used to be.)
Isabella: I don't get it. Cheesetopia was just here!
Buford: Huh, that's Swiss-picious! Well, I did it! A hundred cheese puns! (Seeing Perry walk up to them) Oh, and look, there's Perry! (Buford looks at the audience and bows.) And, scene.

End credits

(Ferb removes the tarp off the invention, revealing Cheesetopia.)
Crowd: Ooh! Ooh!
Phineas: (At crowd) Cheesetopia is now open!

(Song: "Cheesetopia")
My fever starts to climb up above hundred degrees
When I fly through the breeze with ease upon my cheese trapeze
They know the cheese with ease-box squeeze, that is my expertise
Cheesetopia! Cheesetopia!

Ahh Cheesetopia (Cheesetopia)

Phineas: It's like Utopia, with cheese!

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