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The Secret of Success/Transcript

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(Scene opens in Candace's room. Candace is on the bed, lying down.)

Candace: Oh, so bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.
(Cell phone rings, Candace picks it up and calls)
Candace: Snoresville Central, Candace Speaking.
Stacy: Oh, good. You know how my mom wants me to take things more seriously and focus on more important things like grades, my future, or becoming a doctor, a lawyer, or a doctor?
Candace: Yeah?
Stacy: Well, she's forcing me to go to this leadership seminar today, and I'll implode with boredom if I go by myself.
Candace: Are you out of your mind?
Stacy: There might be cute boys there.
Candace: Oh, all right, but you owe me big time!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb watching a TV commercial)
TV Announcer: This year's All Terrain Vehicle goes on the road and in the mud. In the mud and on the road! It's the all new All Terrain Vehicle for All Terrain...seh.
Phineas: Road and mud aren't exactly all terrains. (To Ferb) Somebody ought to build a vehicle that actually goes over all terrains.
Ferb: Two, three, four...
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!
Ferb: Five, six, seven...
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

(Scene shifts to Perry on a skateboard. He rides it across the street to a construction site through a pipeline and arrives at his lair, landing in his seat upside down)
Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. Uh, oop! Uh, hold on a sec. (grunts while turning his camera upside down) There we go! Doofenshmirtz has been spotted buying television cameras, boom mics, and makeup. Find out what he's up to.
(Perry salutes)
Perry!

(Scene then shifts at the community center)
Baljeet: Ladies?
Candace: Baljeet, this seminar is for high school kids. What are you doing here?
Baljeet: Well, I usually attend college level conferences, but I thought I would dumb it down for the weekend.
Candace: (To Stacy) Uhh, are we supposed to take notes?

(music)
Tedd: Leaders of the Future, let's give it up for...Tedd Shaw! (reveals himself as the crowd applauds) Greetings, Leaders of the Future! I am Tedd Shaw. I may be young, but you're never too young to be a success! So, get ready to learn my easy steps which should be your goals, woo-hoo!
Candace: Oh, brother.

(In the backyard, Phineas and Ferb have their ATV ready)
Buford: So, fellas, what's on the menu for today?
Isabella: An All Terrain Vehicle. With an electromagnetic motor, super rubber tank treads, high speed ceramic body, hydraulics and old remote control.
Buford: Hey, let's take this baby for a spin, and see what she'll do!

(Song: "All Terrain Vehicle")

Up, down, all around, over rocks and underground
In the sky, in the trees
Plowing through a bunch of cheese
Flying through the air, we can buzz a county fair
Tell your momma that we're leaving
Yeah we can go anywhere

Big Top, China shop
Off the cliff and take a drop
Under sea, look at me, I'm talking to a manatee
It's not a submarine
It's not a plane, it's not a train
Come on lets take a ride, we're talking all terrain
Whooo-ooo-ooo we're talking all terrain, yeah
Whooo-ooo-ooo we're talking all terrain
That's right

Cross the tundra, through a cave, surfing on a tidal wave
Over pillows, over nails
Off the road, and off the rails
A tight rope, a trampoline, having tea with the queen
I think you're gonna like my all terrain machine

Whooo-ooo-ooo we're talking all terrain
Whooo-ooo-ooo we're talking all terrain, yeah
And just so that we're clear...
Phineas: We can ride on the road, and in the mud!
We're talking all terrain!

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry enters and gets trapped in a chair)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, so good of you to volunteer for my cause! Since the cost of evil went up, my alimony checks barely cover my overhead. So, I've come up with a brilliant idea. The Telethon of Evil! With lights and a camera and uh, ooh, and a tote board, look. People will call in and send me money, and you can help man the phones. (puts a phone on Perry's lap) I had trouble finding a station that will put it on, so I invented this: the Preemptinator. With this machine, I can preempt other TV programs! (inhales) As soon as I can figure out if I can plug in the red wire or the green wire.
(Perry looks at the camera disgusted)

(Switch to the community center)
Tedd: So, let's review. We've learned the principal of B.L.A.R.F.: Be Living, Always Really Focused!
Stacy: (snoring)
Candace: That makes me wanna B.L.A.R.F.
Baljeet: I can see it is already working.
Tedd: Now, we go down to another secret of success. N.A.R.G.: Never Abandon Realizing your Goal.
Candace: Isn't that...nary-g?
Tedd: Please hold all questions until the end, thank you. Now, can you see how N.A.R.G.-ing could help you... (at a girl) become president of the United States?
Girl: Yes! Yes I can!
Tedd: (at Stacy) And you! (at Candace) Do you have a goal you never wanna stop realizing?
Candace: Well, yeah. I've wanted to bust my brothers all summer.
Tedd: And have you used these steps?
Candace: Believe me, I've B.L.A.R.F.-ed and N.A.R.G.-ed plenty. I got nowhere.
Tedd: Well, I'm gonna tell you the final step to breaking your old, ineffectual patterns...right after the break! So, don't you go anywhere!
(music, Tedd leaves)

Candace: Stacy, did you hear that? Wake up!
Stacy: (startled) Uhh! It's not my ferret!
Candace: This could really be the answer to me busting the boys. That weird guy is gonna tell us the final step after the break! Can it be that I'll finally achieve my summer goal? (hears revving) Wait, is that...? (sees the ATV) It is, it's Phineas and Ferb!
Kids: Woo-hoo!
Phineas: Hey, Candace, do you wanna give it a try?
(the ATV zooms off)
Candace: (at Stacy) Oh, no. I'm going to do it right this time. Even though every fiber of my being is screaming to tell you to stay here and find out the information, then run frantically out to that ATV and drive my brothers to Mom who'll bust them, I will resist! Yes! I am going to stay right here and break my old pattern!
Stacy: Good choice, Candace. I can't tell you have a p-
(Candace is outside)
Candace: Stacy, take notes for me!

(Outside...)
Phineas: Hey, Candace. What are you doing?
Candace: Let me in!
Phineas: Okay, then, buckle up!

(Back inside)
Chad: Uh, excuse me, do you know if there happens to be any seats left?
Stacy: There just happens to be an empty seat next to me!

(in the ATV)
Candace: Okay, I learn some skill that...Phineas, you're in the drivers seat, why are you operating with a remote control?
Phineas: Candace, We're too young to drive.
Buford and Isabella: Duh!
Candace: Well, no matter, because we're driving this thing home. I'm calling Mom to make sure she's there to see this. (dials phone) You're going too slow! Give me that thing! (takes remote) So, how does this thing work? (presses button, "I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!" plays, presses another button, activating windshield wipers, presses another button, the ATV does a loop)
Phineas: Maybe give me the remote.
Candace: I got it, Phineas!

(At D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: I hope you're ready for the big show, Perry the Platypus! [plugs the blue plug with the green wire) Because Evil Incorporated is on the air!
(The Preemptinator activates)

(in a man's house)
Announcer on TV: Down as 2 and 2, here's the pitch --
(screen on TV goes to static)
Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) We preempt your normal programming with the first annual Telethon of Evil! (cut to studio) And now live, because it's evil spelled backwards, your host, Heinz Doofenshmirtz!

(Song: Give Me Your Money Today)

Doofenshmirtz: I want your money
I'm strapped for cash
I need your money
Too lazy to get a job
Give me your money
I'm not being funny
Give me your money today!

(Cut to Lawrence at the dentist)
Lawrence: This is a brilliant work of satire. It's my new favorite show.

(Back at the ATV)
Candace: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this. All I need to do is B.L.A.R.F.: Be Living, Always Really Focused. I focused, and it worked.
(cut to a news channel on the air)
Bridgette: And that's how socks sometimes get lost in the dryer. (pause) And cut tape.
(the ATV goes by)
Candace: I'm B.L.A.R.F.-ing! I'm B.L.A.R.F.-ing!
Cameraman: What was that?
Bridgette: I don't know, but it's more interesting than socks. To the news van!
(they drive off)

(Back at D.E.I.)
Doofenshmirtz: And we're back. The Inator Corporation was generous enough to send us a giant check for twenty three dollars. Thank you, Sid and the guys. You do an important job. (pause) That brings our tally up to...
("23" appears on the tote board)
Doofenshmirtz: Twenty three dollars! Uh, let's go to the phones again. (pause) Okay, if no one calls in the next few seconds, the platypus gets it!

(In another house, the scene on the TV switches to a news channel)
Announcer: We preempt this current preemption to bring you another preemption.
Bridgette: This is Bridgette Oshinomi in the news breaker van, we're following an out of control All Terrain Vehicle that is barraling on down Broad Street.
Doofenshmirtz: This is what preempted me! Ugh! The newspeople, they're behind this, and I won't stand for it!
(Perry uses a pair of chompers to cut his trap belt)
Doofenshmirtz: I must destroy them! (riding hovercraft) NOTHING cuts into MY television face time!
(The scene changes to a "no signal" screen with Agent P on it)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, haha, very funny! Everyone's a comedian.

Bridgette: The vehicle looks to be filled with children.
Doofenshmirtz: Good thing I installed a TV screen so I can follow the live coverage. Here's for stealing my ratings! (fires rays at the news van)
Bridgette: Whoa!
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, I keep missing!
(Perry runs up, but Doofenshmirtz kicks him away and keeps shooting)
Candace: B.L.A.R.F.! B.L.A.R.F.! B.L.A.R.F.!
(more rays keep firing)
Bridgette: What is going on up there? Are you getting this, Don?
Don: (driving helicopter) We're right above you. Brigitte, have you seen something kinda strange up here?

(Doofenshmirtz appears on the hovercraft's TV screen)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hey, it's me. It's me. I'm back. Perry the Platypus, look, the -- oh, oh, it's the chopper cam. (singsong) Hello? I'm back. Hi, hi, Mom. Hi.
(Perry the Platypus and news helicopter leave)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, going back to the more dramatic wide angle shot --
(Doofenshmirtz crashes into his building, poking through the tote board in the studio)
Doofenshmirtz: And the final tally is...unbearable pain. And, probably a herniated disc.
(the hovercraft crushes the news van)
Bridgette: And...cut tape.
Perry!

(Switch to the Flynn-Fletcher house. Linda's car pulls up the driveway, so does the ATV. Candace gets out)
Candace: You stay right here, I'm gonna go get Mom.
Kids: Okay!
Candace: Mom?!

(Inside...)
Candace: Mom, Mom, you've gotta come outside! I just drove up in this craaaazy souped up car that the boys invent --
Linda: Wait, wait, wait. You were -- driving -- without adult supervision?
Candace: Well, no, I was operating a remote.
Linda: Oh, so it was a toy car.
Candace: No, no. No, it's a full-sized, and it's --
Linda: You were driving a full-sized car?! Oh, that's it, young lady! You're...GROUNDED!
Candace: But, but, but, the boys --
Linda: Candace, GO TO YOUR ROOM! We will talk about this, later.
Candace: (stomps off) Ugh!

Candace: I thought I did it right this time! Only I'd stay til the end of that seminar! Wait, Stacy's been there all day. (dials phone and laughs chaotically) Stacy!
(Stacy is walking with Chad)
Stacy: Candace, what happened to you? The lecture's over. The gift bags were totally cruddy, by the way. It's just a bag, nothing in it.
Candace: Stacy, you've gotta tell me the last step to achieving successes. The boys' ATV is still here, I still have a chance.
Stacy: Hmm, the last step, I forget. Hey, Chad, do you remember what the last step to achieving your goal thingy is?
Chad: Yes. It's F.R.E.E.P.O.
Stacy: Candace, it's F.R.E.E.P.O. See ya! (hangs up)
Candace: Stacy, hello? But what does that mean? What does it stand for?

(Cut to the kids in the ATV, they are bored)
Ferb: You know, technically we didn't try all terrain.
(Ferb presses a button on the dashboard, activating the car's rocket mode)

Candace: Uh, F.R.E.E.P.O., uh, Frequent Rampages Encourages Enormous Perpendicular Octagons. Uh, Free Raccoons Enter Existential Plastic Origami. Oh...
Phineas: See ya in a bit, Candace! We're going to the moon!
We're talking all terrain
Candace: Aw, F.R.E.E.P.O.

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