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Tour de Ferb/Transcript

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(Scene opens up showing two bicycle racers racing.)
Phineas: You were right, Ferb. It is more fun to mount the race track on the ceiling. (At Buford and Baljeet) Hey, guys. Care to join us for an upside-down slot bike race?
Baljeet: No thank you. I am not a big fan of bicycle racing.
Phineas: Ah, come on. Everyone loves a good bike race.
Baljeet: Not me. You see, I come from a long line of bicycle race losers.
(Song: Rubber Bands, Rubber Balls instrumental)
Baljeet: (Narrating) In 1903, my great-grandfather was leading a bicycle race, but he fell into a tiger pit. Years later, my grandfather skillfully avoided the tiger pit, but sadly not the tiger. Then, my father was confident he had outsmarted the tiger, but he was wrong.
(Flashback ends)
Baljeet: My point is, none of them finished in the top ten.
Phineas: You know, tiger attacks are comparatively rare in Danville since we installed that tiger excluder on city hall.
(As if to prove his point, the city hall briefly appears showing the tiger excluder on its roof)
Phineas: Ferb, I know what Baljeet is gonna do today!

(Downstairs; in the kitchen)
Linda: Hey, Candace. I was just heading out to Margie's baby shower and look what I found on the stoop.
Candace: My new camcorder! Sport edition. For bustin' on the go.
Linda: Yeah, well; gotta run. Margie won't stay pregnant forever. Don't forget to feed Perry.
Candace: Where's Perry?

(In Perry's lair)
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. We've been monitoring Doofenshmirtz's Internet traffic and we think it's... (A pop-up ad blocks him) What in blazes? A pop-up ad? Can you still see me, Agent P? (Another pop-up ad blocks him) What, another? Agent P? Over here! (More pop-up ads block the screen) Oh, this is getting ridiculous! I give up! You know the drill. Monogram out.
(Perry salutes, then leaves)

(In the backyard)
Phineas: Here it is. The route of the 1st annual Tour de Ferb bike race. Featuring jumps, obstacles, rickety staircases, and here's where you start the second stretch of the underwater...
Baljeet: Wait; underwater?
Phineas: We tricked the bikes out a little. Just push the button on your handle bars when you encounter any unusual terrain.
Baljeet: What about tiger attacks?
Phineas: Technically, that's not a terrain. Isabella was kind enough to enlist the help of the Fireside Girls to make the course, guide us, and help out along the way.
Buford: More racey, less talky. (Jumps onto his bike) Sweet!
Isabella: Race ya to the front-line!
Phineas: You're on!
Hey, Baljeet. Don't let a little thing like all your male ancestors getting mauled by tigers during a bike race get you down.
Baljeet: Well, it does seem to indicate a pattern.
Phineas: Just remember you have something that they didn't have. Greg LeMond! (Whistles)
Greg LeMond: I'm back here! (At Baljeet) Hiya, Baljeet. I'm Greg LeMond, the first American cyclist to win the Tour de France. Three times, actually.
Baljeet: So, like recently?
Greg LeMond: That's not the point. The point is I see a kid who needs inspiration.
Baljeet: Oh, you mean me, right?
Greg LeMond: That's right, Baljeet. Don't let anything stop you. There's nothing in this world that you can't do.
Baljeet: Actually, I can think of many things I can not do. Flying comes to mind. Also putting my foot behind my head, but it occurs to me that you're speaking hyperbolically. So point taken, Greg LeMond! I'm going to win this race!
Greg LeMond: That's the spirit! (Baljeet bikes off) U-S-A! U-S-A!
Baljeet: (Off screen) I am from India!

(On the street, where the bike race is about to begin)
(Song: Go, Go, Phineas instrumental)
Holly: Ready...set....
Buford: (Laughs) Losers!
Holly: ...Go!
Buford: What the...? No fair! You've got that aerodynamic head!
Baljeet: Indi-a! Indi-a!

(In the backyard)
Candace: (singsong) Oh, Phineas? Ferb? (Notices the route map) Tour de Ferb? (Takes it from the fence) Oh, baby! Ee-ee-ee-ee...
(Song: Bust is in the Bag)

Bust is in the bag
The bust is in the bag
The bust is in the bag
Video b-b-bust

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!
(Perry breaks a door down with his scooter, skids to a stop, and then accidentally pushes a button via kickstand)
(Perry gives a surprised look, then glances up just as a bunch of computer cables and monitors, coming from a black tube, falls on top of him)
Doofenshmirtz: (Cackles) Welcome, Perry the Platypus. I knew you would fall for the old kickstand trap. (Scratches an ear) Of course, I didn't know exactly where you've parked, so I... (Camera pans back showing that he had installed more than one button) really got to watch my step around here. But as you see, you're trapped... in a pile of old computer cables.
(Camera pans to a glaring Perry)
Doofenshmirtz: I've started throwing them in a drawer years ago, and I'm... I'm sure there's probably one wire you can pull like a... (Camera pans back to Perry) like a lube-bearing wire that would just make the whole thing unravel. But how you find it? (Camera switches back to him) I'd figured it would be easier to use it as a trap, so I did. See? Recycling.
(Camera once again switches to Perry, who's now trying to escape from the computer cables)

(On the Tour de Ferb bike route)
Buford: Uh, oh! Big round wet thing comin' up!
Phineas: Press your buttons, everybody!
Buford: (Press button on his bike) Awesome!
(Frog croaks)
Baljeet: I can feel my competitive spirit breaking free! (Bike hits a tree stump then he falls into the water)
Phineas: Don't give up, Baljeet!
Baljeet: (Stands up; shaking a fist) Never!
Greg LeMond: (Rising from the water, bike in one hand) Baljeet, you're not quitting, are you?
Baljeet: No, sir, Mr. LeMond. (Retrieves bike from the water then raises it over his head) I came to win!
Greg LeMond: I know things are tough. There's a little voice telling you to quit.
Baljeet: I hear no voice.
Greg LeMond: But you can quit.
Baljeet: But I do not want to quit!
Greg LeMond: Hey; true story. Hunting accident. My brother-in-law thought I was a turkey. (Imitates turkey) Kaboom! But I recovered, and you can too.
Baljeet: Wow; I have no idea how to respond that. (Pauses) I think I will be continuing on with the race now.
Greg LeMond: Dropping out seems like an easy way, but years from now I don't want you to look back and wonder "What if?".
Candace: Out of my way, turkey!
Greg LeMond: Why does everyone think I'm a turkey?

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: So, Perry the Platypus. Let me tell you my latest scheme. The other day, I was browsing the Internet when...

(Flashback #1)
Doofenshmirtz: (Narrating) I came to an online auction for a Super Multi-inator. I wasn't even sure what it did, but you know Zupermuhltienator was my grandmother's maiden name. It was a sign. I had to have it, but then something terrible happened. A pop-up ad kept me from hitting the "Bid now" button. It really hit me where I lived too. You see, I always hated advertising ever since the early '80s when I did a little product modeling to finance my first -Inator.
(Flashback #2)
Photographer: That's it. Hold the wombat a little closer to your face.
(Wombat growls)
Photographer: Closer. A little closer.
(Flashback #2 ends)
Doofenshmirtz: (Narrating) I don't want to talk about it. But then I realized I could use pop-up ads to serve all of my evil ends.
(Flashback #1 ends)

Doofenshmirtz: So I come up with a whole slew of products and services I that could advertise and my Pop-up-inator would (Snaps fingers) put thousands of pop-up ads virtually everywhere! I'll make millions!
(Perry once again tries to release himself from the computer cables)

(Song: Tour de Ferb)
Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da,
Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da

I've got the wind in my hair,
I've got the bugs in my teeth,
My wheels are spinning,
I got the road underneath,
It's a competition,
but a wonderful ride

The road may be limited grade,
but it's a beautiful day,
The sun is shining,
our path is lighting away,
We can make it,
as long as you're by my side

The vista's more inviting,
than it was in the brochure,
and even though we're riding
past a truck filled with manure,
We'll just stick to the curb,
It's the Tour de Ferb!

Da Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da Da, Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da

Candace: Right on schedule and fully documented.

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
(The Pop-up-inator fires a green beam in two different directions)
Doofenshmirtz: The best part is that pop-up ads would never go away. There's a little button that says "Click here to close", (Camera pans to Perry) but guess what? It just opens another pop-up ad! (Camera switches to him) (Laughs) Pop-up ad. Best idea ever.
(Perry activates a pair of high-tech goggles from his fedora then looks around.)
Female voice: Analyzing pile. .... Locating load-bearing wire.
(The high-tech goggles gets de-activated. Perry then grabs the aforesaid wire, which enables him to finally escape the trap.)
Doofenshmirtz: What? .... Perry the Platypus! How did you get out? .... Aaah! .... Ow! Hey! Not fair! .... Oof! ... Alright, no more Mr. Nice Guy! .... Come back here, you little... (Accidentally presses one of the buttons; wires fall on him; he brushes them off) See? I told you I got to watch my step in here. (Pushes another button; gets trapped by wires; more falls on his head to create a turban; even more completely covers him) I know what you're thinking, but this is neither ironic nor funny. (Pauses) Are you... Are you still there?

(Flynn-Fletcher home; in the master bathroom)
Candace: (in a sarcastic tone) Hello, mother. Have a nice time at the baby shower?
Linda: Well; Margie's got morning sickness, so there was a little incident.
Candace: Ew.
Linda: But now I'm clean, so no harm done. And I can see you're dying to tell me something.
Candace: Uh.... Not really. It's just.... Mom, (Beam from the Pop-up-Inator hits Candace's camcorder) take a look at this.
Phineas: (on screen) Ok --
(The screen gets covered with pop-up ads)
Linda: Your camera gets pop-up ads?
Candace: What?! Nooooo!!! But it doesn't matter. (tosses camcorder in sink; picks up Linda) I know where the last obstacle is. Hee-hee-hee-hee...
Linda: Whoa! Whoa! (gets placed in the bike basket) Candace, I'm not even dressed!
Candace: Sorry Mom, it's an emergency!
Linda: Luckily, (reveals bike helmet under turban) I've picked today to wear my bike helmet into the shower.

(Sunset; on the Tour de Ferb bike route)
Baljeet: Ah! There it is! The finish line, right on the other side of Danville Chasm. I am going to win this!
Buford: Not if I can help it!

Linda: Candace! My towel!
Candace: Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!
(Linda stops to readjust her towel)
Candace: (With her eyes closed) Get ready to see something really terrifying!
(Another beam hits the ground; a Dr. Wombat billboard rises from it)
Linda: That's better. (notices the billboard) Huh. I guess that is pretty scary. That guy should not be holding a wombat so close to his face.
Candace: But-but-but-but-but-but...but...but...buuuuut...

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshimrtz: (while Perry's pushing the Pop-up-Inator towards the balcony) Perry the Platypus, wire you're doing this to me? Get it? Wire? Because, I mean wire. Ah, come on. Now; I know I'm defeated, but at least I got a good joke out of it. Show me some love. (pauses) Nothing? Really?
(Perry tosses the Pop-Up-Inator off the balcony)
Doofenshmirtz: Just going to leave me hanging here?
(The Pop-up-Inator falls to the ground; CRASH!)

(On the Tour de Ferb bike route)
Buford: Ah, ah! Losers!
Baljeet: "Ah, ah" yourself. I am going to win this race! Oooohh! I am tasting victory! It is sweet as... (Greg LeMond quickly passes him) Greg LeMond? I thought you were supposed to be motivating me.
Greg LeMond: It worked so well, that I even motivated myself. Finish line, here I... (a tiger leaps on top of him) Ahhh!
Ferb: They need to change the battery on the tiger excluder.
Phineas: Boy, I'll say.
(Baljeet crosses the finish line; Fireside Girls cheer)
Baljeet: I did it! I won a bike race! Thanks to Greg LeMond inspiring me. And then, you know, getting attacked by that tiger. By the way, I hope he is okay.
Greg LeMond: Oh, man. I got to call my brother-in-law and tell him that his tiger got out.

End Credits

(Song: Tour de Ferb)
Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da Da Da
We pass a couple gas stations,
and a defunct flower shop,
And as we're passing by this farm,
the pigs all look up from their slop,
We don't mean to disturb

Yeah, it's just the Tour de Ferb!

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