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Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets/Transcript

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(The Flynn-Fletcher family is at a flea market, in front of a stadium bearing a billboard that reads "Danville SWAP MEET")
Lawrence: Well here we are gang, the semi-annual Tri-State Area antique show and swap meet. Here you can find anything under the sun, literally, because it's held outdoors. Ha, ha.
Phineas: Anything Dad?
Lawrence: Well, actually there is one thing you probably won't be able to find here. An 1807 Dorcham and Wesley Boot Scraper, only one of them was ever made, (dramatically) and it's been lost to the mists of time! Oh, if only I could find that, I'd be the envy of the entire antiquing community; especially Worthington Dubois, (he clenches his fists) my antiquing nemesis!
Linda: You have an antiquing nemesis?
Lawrence: You don't know everything about me.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!

Song: Danville Swap Meet
We got chrome-plated carburetors,
calibrated regulators,
tube socks, cuckoo clocks,
multi-colored alligators,
taxidermy jackalope, presidential bar soap,
you can find it all at the swap meet.

You can take it away,
if you can fit it in your ride,
gotta lower the seat and then give it a slide,
but there are things you gotta know when you head to the show,
if you add your stash you got to do it with cash.

Purple-padded toilet seat,
dolphin made of concrete,
hubcaps, mudflaps, food that isn't safe to eat,
macramé dust mop, curtain made of pop-tops,
you can find it all at the swap meet.

You can find it all at the swap meet...

Phineas: Dad, I know you said that the Dorcham and Westley boot scraper thing was lost to the mists of time.
Lawrence: I did, didn't I? Well, I suppose I get melodramatic when I start talking about antiques.
Phineas: Well Ferb and I found this in that parchment booth. (Ferb takes out an old, worn out scroll)
Lawrence: (He examines the scroll) A Dorcham and Westley Boot Scraper's map! But only three of them were ever made, (dramatically) and they were lost to the mists of- oh I'm doing it again.
Phineas: And we know what we're going to do today. Hey, where's Perry?

Man: (to his customer) A Reno Man number forty-five, that's a classic gig brother.
(Perry turns the cover of the comic book, which reads "Agent of O.W.C.A" and bears a drawing of a Major Monogram. Climbing into an opening, he slides down a chute and enters his lair)
Major Monogram: Good morning Agent P. Look, here's the thing, I don't know what Doof is up to. I've been busy giving each of my friends personalized ring-tones. I have one for you.
Perry
Major Monogram: -and one for Carl.
Carl
Monogram: I want to send out a ringtone for when I call my friends, (monotonously) but I don't have a theme song. Anyway, go stop Doofenshmirtz!

Candace: What an incredible waste of time. I mean, come on. Most of this stuff if you saw it on the sidewalk, you'd walk around– it. (She sees something) A Ducky Momo, first edition, green pupil variant, with a left handed pull cord! Heavenly light, angel chorus! I must have it. But I gotta play it cool.
(She walks over to the man who is selling the Ducky Momo)
Candace: So, uh, yeah, a friend needs a paperweight for her, uh, desk, and mmm, this little trinket looks about the right size.
Flea market Salesman: Please, little girl, this little trinket is a Ducky Momo, first edition, green pupil variant, with a left handed pull chord. There are only two of these in North America, they're more rare than Dorcham and Westley Boot Scraper's Maps, but not quite rare as the Dorcham and Westley Boot Scraper.
Candace: Yeah, yeah, mists of time, whatever. What do you want for it?
Salesman: You couldn't afford it.
Candace: Would you take something in trade?
Salesman: The one thing I want is the one thing I can't have. That. Early Twentieth Century Abyssinian baby rattle. But he won't sell it to me because of that silly French cabinet!
Salesman 2: You broke the arms off my armoire, now its just a -oire!
Candace: If I get you that baby rattle, will you give me the Ducky Momo?
Salesman: Yes, I will.
Candace: You! How much for that baby rattle?!
Salesman 2: Why, so you can sell it to him?
Candace: Well, uh, yeah.
Salesman 2: No sale.
Candace: Oh, come on! Everybody wants something.
Salesman 2: Okay, there is something I've always wanted. A Flenco G4 crystal radio!
Salesman 3: (With the radio) ...If you get me a cane with a cobra on it.
Salesman 4: Battle of Danville commemorative dentures.
Salesman 5: Pink Gorilla suit.
Candace: Ducky Momo, First edition figurine I will have you.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, hello, Perry the Platypus. Well, as they say in the film business, it's a wrap! (Perry becomes wrapped up in rolls of filmstrips) Get it? 'Cause you're wrapped. In film. Well as you know, films sway public opinion better than any other medium. So I have produced a movie that will convince the people of the Tri-State Area, to make me their leader. Here's a clip.
Doofenshmirtz: (in the film) Make me your leader.
Doofenshmirtz: It can't miss! Anywho, I'm going to enter it in the Danville Film Festival today. There's only one small hitch, turns out it's Danville's Young Filmmakers Festival. You have to be less than fifteen years old, but no matter. Because, behold, my De-Age-inator. With this I'll turn myself into a fourteen year old boy, submit my film to the festival, and sit back as the people of Danville are convinced that I must be installed as the leader of the entire Tri-State Area!

Candace: Cigar box banjo. An old time diving suit. Fur lined telephone, be right back.

Lawrence: Well the map has led us to Boot Scrapers Hall. (They enter Boot Scrapers Hall) Oh, the spirit of Danville, see how his sole gleams, the Boot Scapers took their craft seriously.
Phineas: Hey, look there's a plaque. But what are these funny symbols?
Lawrence: (He gasps) By Harry! That's Boot Scrape! The secret language of the ancient boot scapers. (Reading) To gain the world, and halt the wintle, reverse your mind, and mind the lintel.
Phineas: The lintel?
Lawrence: It's the space between two columns. Look!
Phineas: Is that Greek?
Lawrence: Well I know Greek, but I don't recognize some of these symbols.
Phineas: Wait a minute, reverse your mind... Ferb.
(Ferb takes out a mirror)
Phineas: (Reading) "The disk of fate drops the boot." The disk of fate?
Lawrence: Oh, it's that coat of arms right there.
Phineas: The Statue! Guys look, the statue's boot is not resting on that podium. And that podium has a giant slot in it. (After he pulls off the coat of arms) Look, it a big penny. Ferb, pay the man.
(Ferb inserts the penny into the slot)
Lawrence: Just like an old iron penny bank. Stand back boys.
(The statues foot rest upon the podium, depressing it, cause the statue to slide away, revealing a large spiraling staircase downward)
Phineas: Wow.
Lawrence: Yes, the Boot Scrapers were renowned for their elaborate spiral staircases. If that Dorcham and Westley Boot Scraper still exists, we'll find it down here.
Man: Not if I, Worthington Dubois, have anything to say about it. (He laughs, evilly)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, this seems to be unplugged. There. (The -inator fires hitting Perry's trap) Oops. Oh, the film melted into … oil. That doesn't make any sense, it's not a Melt-inator. It's a, Oh right. Film is made from some petroleum product, and it made it younger so, I goes it makes some sort of ridiculous sense. (Perry attacks Doofenshmirtz) One last setting and to the De-Age-inator, and it will be ready to fire. (The -inator fires)
Younger Doofenshmirtz: Cool, I'm fourteen years old. Ha, ha, I totally beat you, dude. Now all I got to do is take this DVD to the Film Festival, and then I'll, like, have a lot of power, and stuff. And I'll like– (Perry runs in front of Doofenshmirtz) No way, dude! You're not the boss of me.

Candace: What do you want for the 1965 Northern Llama Rancher's Association commemorative creamer?
Man: I don't know, a buck?
Candace: (Exchanging the various items) Commemorative creamer, flugelhorn. Flugelhorn for a baseball stein. Baseball stein for cyclops santa.

(The three arrive at a large pair of double doors, and enter them.)
Phineas: Cool. Inner temple.
Lawrence: Okay, let's get a move on.
Phineas: Get down Dad!
(Phineas and Ferb tackle Lawrence, saving them from the onslaught of projectiles flying over head)
Lawrence: Cobbler's mallets. Why did it have to be cobbler's mallets?
Phineas: That was close.
Lawrence: Yes, the Boot Scrapers were master craft-
(Phineas, Ferb, and Lawrence fall through a trap door)
Lawrence: The Cavern of Secrets. This entire room was made from materials scraped off the boots of Danville Elders, who were highly creative engineers.

Candace: (Continuing to trade the various items) Battleship hat. Coffee grinder, pogo stick. Thankless letters home, evil angel suit.

Lawrence: Oh, blimey.
Phineas: I had no idea there was such a wide variety historical of boot scrapers. Which one is it Dad?
Lawrence: Well, that's the question isn't it. Only one of these can be the true Dorcham and Westley. And no doubt a wrong choice will trigger a nasty booby trap. Boot scrapers were famously vengeful people. This could take every ounce of antiquing knowledge that I possess.
(Lawrence begins looking at the scrapers)
Phineas: You can do it, Dad!
(He continues to stare at them, and eventually reaches for one)
Dubois: (Appearing suddenly, and grabbing the scraper Lawrence was reaching for) At last! A hedgehog, of course. This truly is the Dorcham and Westley Boot Scraper of legend.
Lawrence: But Worthington, there are no hedgehogs in America!
Dubios: What, oh well that's just– (He gets squished by a giant boot)
Phineas: Wow, he chose poorly.
Lawrence: Well, seeing as the place is falling apart anyway. (He grabs all the remaining boot scrapers, and the three run out)

Candace: (Still at it) Pink gorilla suit. Battle of Danville commemorative dentures. A cane with a cobra on it.

Doofenshmirtz: Dude, chill, it's mine. I don't have to give it to you. (As they fight, Doofenshmirtz unlocks the rapid fire, and sends beams of de-aging from his roof) Hey! Quit it. You're pushing me, dude.

(Candace walks to the man selling the Ducky Momo, and show him the baby rattle)
Salesman: You actually got it! Let me see if I can find a box. (A ray from Doofenshmirtz's -inator hits the baby rattle) I don't seem to have a box, oh well. Wait a second! Where's the patina?! This is obviously brand new. It's not an antique. No trade!
Candace: (To the sky) WHY‽

Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Dude, you just totally broke my -inator.

(Phineas, Ferb, and Lawrence run back through Boot Scraper's Hall, escaping just in the nick of time)
Lawrence: That was an ever closer one.
Dubois: Not so fast, Fletcher. When I fell, I landed in the ruins of the Hall of the Sandal Scrapers. An order of scrapers far more ancient than your miserable boot scrapers. And with this (Dubois reveals a sandal scraper, and begins transforming onto a much larger ghost) I will become the most powerful antiques collector the world has ever seen.
Ferb: Perhaps next time we should buy new.
Dubois: Prepare to (He gets hit with a green beam) Oh no! My enemies from beyond space!
(A fleet of UFOs arrive)
Phineas: Hey look Ferb, it's Garbog. Hi Garbog!
(Garbog says something, then zapps the three of them into UFOs)
Phineas: This is going to be good. Team Danville, assemble!
Dubois: How dare you! (The fleet unloads upon him) My future wickedness!
(A banner falls down, reading "The End")

Announcer: And that was the winner of this years young filmmakers contest. let's have a hand for the directors, Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher.
(People cheer)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, crud. Can somebody drive me home?
Phineas: Thank you everyone. But we couldn't have done this on our own. We'd like to thank our dad Lawrence Fletcher for spending all afternoon making this movie with us.
Linda: (To Lawrence) I had no idea you were so good with special effects.
Lawrence: Oh yeah, but it was mostly them.
Phineas: And we'd like to introduce the actor responsible our villain to life.
(Dubois walks onstage.)
Dubois: Don't you mean (He tears off the costume, revealing Buford and Baljeet)
Buford and Baljeet: ...actors?
Buford: 'Cause there's two of us.
Phineas: Take a bow guys.
(Buford bows, and sends Baljeet tumbling off his shoulders)
Baljeet: Why is there an orchestra pit in a movie theater?
Doofenshmirtz: Seriously, I need a ride.

End credits

Major Monogram: (Sing a scale) la la la la la la la

(Song: Major Monogram Theme Song)
Major Monogram: He's Major... Monogram!
He... appears on a screen
And... he wears... olive green!
He's Major... Monograaaaam!

Carl: I like the big finish, sir.
Major Monogram: I can do without the sarcasm, Carl.

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