♪ Da da da ♪
(Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella are resting under the tree, until Candace walks over)
Phineas: Hey, Candace, doing a little light summer reading, I see.
Candace: This is for the book club Jeremy and I joined. We all read the same book, and then we get together, and discuss over tea.
Phineas: Sounds sophisticated.
Candace: Yeah, the tea was my idea. This week we're reading, The Iliad.
Phineas: That's a great book! It's all about the Trojan War.
Candace: You read this?
Buford: We all did. You're not the only one with a book club you know.
Phineas: I like your idea about the tea though. Ferb, make a note of that.
Isabella: The war started because Paris fell in love with Helen of Troy. It's so romantic.
Buford: Yeah, and Helen could launch a thousand ships with her face! My favorite character was Achilles, the greatest Greek warrior of all time. He had this big fight with Hector. He was all, Wham! Bam! Stab! Stab! Stab!
(Buford stabs Baljeet to prove his point)
Baljeet: Cut it out!
Candace: Isn't there something with a wooden horse?
Phineas: Yeah, the Greek army build a huge wooden horse, and left it outside the gates of Troy. The Trojans thought that the Greeks had given up, and that the horse was some sort of tribute to them. So they wheeled it inside the gates.
Buford: Hey! How'd they get that big horse in that tiny door?
Baljeet: Buford, just try imagining a larger door.
Buford: Oh, okay. Hang on. (Buford pauses to imagine a larger door) Oh, yeah, that's better.
Isabella: Then late at night, the Greeks climbed out of the horse, opened the gate--
Buford: Then it was all; Wham! Zam! Stab! Stab! Stab! (Buford stabs Baljeet again)
Baljeet: Cut it out!
Candace: Wow, it really sounds exciting. I'd better get started. Book club is in three hours. Bye.
Phineas: Wow, she must be a fast reader.
Buford: What gets me, is why did the Trojan War take so long? If I were Achilles, I could've taken the city of Troy, like, in one afternoon.
Phineas: Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! We're gonna finally recreate the Trojan War. I'll be Paris because my name starts with a P.
Isabella: And I'll be Helen because- (Realizing she wrapped her arm around Phineas's) Ah, my... name... starts... with... I which is right after H. (smiles awkwardly)
Buford: And I'll be the great Achilles. And I'll be all; Wham! Zam! Stab! Stab! Stab! (He stabs Baljeet again)
Baljeet: Ahhh! Cut it out!
Buford: (To Baljeet) And you can be Hector, now get over there. I'm taking Ferb.
Irving: (From behind the fence) Hey, everyone! Can I play?
Irving: I've got baklava.
Buford: Welcome to the Greek army.
Phineas: You know who loves history and historical reenactment?
Buford: Hey, where's your dad?
Lawrence: (while tying his tie) So it goes over, under, around and through. Ooh, lovely. Time to open the shop.
(Once Lawrence walks off, Perry leaps up and steps through a mirror, and proceeds to enter his lair via a "rabbit hole")
Major Monogram: Hello Agent P. I see you used the rabbit hole entrance. Heh, freaks the heck out of intruders. Anyway, no news on what Doof is up to yet we're still awaiting a surveillance report, from our special C.R. unit. Hey Carl! Any news from team Cockroach?
Carl: Nothing yet, sir. We think they may have been scattered.
Monogram: Quite frankly, we fear the worst, which isn't that bad, they're just a bunch of roaches after all. So, we're gonna need you to get over to Doof, and see what mischief he's up to today. Good luck, Agent P.
Buford: (Looking at the Troy Castle) And they say Rome wasn't built in a day.
Irving: Uh, technically, that's not Rome, that's supposed to be Troy.
Buford: If I wanted nerd facts I would've kept Baljeet.
Baljeet: (From the Castle) In case you are wondering, the word you are looking for is, "impenetrable"
Buford: Actually the word I was looking for is decimate!
Baljeet: Fair enough.
Buford: Yeah, we're gonna need a bigger army. Irving break out my recruitment fustanella.
Irving: You mean the little Greek skirt--?
Buford: It's a fustanella.
♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated ♪
(Perry knocks at the door)
Doofenshmirtz: Coming, hold on. Just hold your horses. Wait. Hello? (He opens the door, and Perry flies in on his jetpack.) Ha! you missed me, Perry the Platypus. (Perry gets caught in a rope net trap) I got you. You see, I was just doing a little inventory and reorganization of all the stuff that I've collected over the last forty years. Yeah, I know it's gotten a little... out of hand. I kinda let it go, and Norm's been in Maui for like, a month, so I made a Declutter-inator. I was actually gonna shoot myself with it, which would make me want to un-clutter everything, and then I lost it, 'cause, you know, it's, it's really cluttered in here. So then I hired a nice young lady named Doreen, to help me get organized, and well, I think she may have gotten lost, too. I haven't see her in days. (Yelling into the clutter) Doreen? Are you out there?
Doreen: So thirsty...
Doofenshmirtz: I never approved overtime!
Doofenshmirtz:So if you'll excuse me I have to get back to my search for Doreen. Maybe I'll get lucky and find the Declutter-inator, too. (Yelling back into the clutter) Hey Doreen? Marco!
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, she really stinks at this.
Buford: Okay, Next! Name?
Balthazar: Balthazar Horowitz, but you can call me "The Ballpit Kid."
Buford: Any medical problems.
Balthazar: Well, I have a perforated A-
Buford: Yeah, yeah yeah, you're in. Get a shield. Come back with it, or on it. Next! Name?
Boy: Dimitri Popaunicolas.
Buford: Any experience being Greek?
Dimitri: Actually I am Greek. I was born on the Island--
Buford: I don't want your life story. Grab a shield, come back with it, or on it. Irving, go get some more baklava, come back with it, or on it.
Irving: I'm on it.
Buford: Yeah? Well get with it.
Candace: (Reading) "Sing, goddess, the anger of Peleus's son, Achilles..." (She dozes off, then shakes herself back awake, and continues reading) "Achilles! And it's devastation, which put pains upon the Achians..." (She doses off again, then jolts back awake, and continues her reading) "Upon the Achians, hurled in their multitude to Hou--"
Buford: (Yelling) Hector!
Candace: Oh for Pete's sake! (She walks over to the window) Buford, I'm trying to tea this! (She sees that large Troy Castle) What the heck is going on out here?
(Cut to show Phineas and Isabella, Phineas is wearing silver and red gladiator armor similar to Paris, and Isabella is dressed in a long gown with her hair in a ponytail and a golden tiara with a jeweled bow, similar to Helen)
Phineas: You've inspired us, Candace. What do you think?
Candace: Are you by any chance reenacting the Trojan War, like in my book?
Phineas: That's the plan.
Candace: Okay, I'll just watch you guys, and take notes for my book club. Buford, continue.
Buford: Hey, uh, Hector? Why don't you come down here, I got something for ya'.
Baljeet: Oh, sweet. I am going down there. (He comes down from the castle) Okay, here I am. What have you got for me?
Buford: Get him!
Baljeet: Oh no, not good. (He runs)
Buford: Eat, hot chariot sucker!
Phineas: Well, so much for Hector.
Soldier: ♪ There was a hottie named Helen and she launched a thousand ships with her face♪
♪ Paris took her home to Troy, and to the Greeks this was a slap in the face ♪
Greek: The Trojans stole Helen!
Soldier 2: ♪ Agamemnon got mad 'cause that just wasn't right ♪
Soldier: ♪ He said, “Hold your Trojan horses, now we're having a fight!♪
♪ And I haven't sacked or pillaged since at least last Saturday night.♪
Horse:♪ And for ten years they were all ♪
♪ Slamming! And jamming! And clashing! And gashing! ♪
♪ And brawling! And mauling! And trashing! And smashing! ♪
♪ When they finally figured out they couldn't take 'em by force ♪
♪ The Greeks all got together, and they hid in a horse!♪
Soldier: Bagpipe solo!
♪ Troy Troy Troy Troy!♪
Baljeet: You know, bagpipes are sort of anachronistic for this time period-
Buford: Quiet, you! Go back to being vanquished!
Irving: ♪ Troy Troy Troy!♪ Troy? Oh, it's all over.
(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated)
Doofenshmirtz: Doreen? Come out, come out where ever you are. I should have brought some bread crumbs, or something to leave behind me, so I could find my way-- Oh you know what? Better yet, I should've brought a sandwich, cause I am famished.
(Perry, still trapped in the net, cuts through, and activates a GPS, showing how to navigate the clutter maze)
(The greek army Buford had gathered begins to leave)
Buford: Hey, where you guys going? We're not done yet.
Balthazar: I gotta get home.
Girl: I've got a book club.
Dimitri: I've got a balalaika lesson.
Buford: You now they've got a word for what you guys are doing.
Irving: Yeah, it's desertion!
Buford: No, it's-- Oh, no it is desertion. Irving get over here. It's time to execute Plan B.
Irving: Plan B.?
Buford: Yeah, you know the one where you climb into the decoy, and uh...
Irving: Oh, that Plan B.--
Buford: Get goin'!
(Buford rolls a large wooden platypus to the doors of the Troy Castle)
Phineas: A Trojan Platypus? Come on Buford, what made you think we'd fall for that.
Irving: I told you, Buford--
(The Trojan Platypus gets squished by a large wooden T-rex)
Irving: Ow! Why did you have me get in this thing?
Candace: (Watching from her window) Now we're gettin' somewhere.
Buford: Ha, I bet you didn't see a Trojan T-rex with laser cannon mouth, and laser cannon eyes comin'. Did you?
Phineas: Well he's got me there.
Irving: (Now in the T-rex) Seriously, if you were just gonna crush the Trojan Platypus, why did I--
Buford: Leave me my simple pleasures. Now Ferb, destroy Troy! This is why I got Ferb on my team.
(The lasers cut a chunk out of Troy)
Phineas: Uh-oh, looks like Ferb's going off book. Everyone to the chariots. (Everybody loads into the charriots, and they take off to do battle with the T-Rex) Hang on. (Phineas fires laser's out of his chariot, which just bounce off) Whoa, laser proof! Nice touch Ferb.
Candace: This is really cool! (She checks her watch) Book club starts in ten minutes! (She leaves)
Phineas: I have an idea, throw that rope to the other chariot.
(Isabella does so, and the two chariot's wrap the T-rex's ankles)
Buford: Well, that can't be good.
Ferb: Guess they knew that a T-Rex's weakness is also its Achilles' heel.
(The T-rex crashes down destroying both itself, and the Trojan Castle)
Phineas: That was awesome!
Buford: Who won?
Phineas: This time I think it was a draw. Come on, let's go tell Candace how it ends.
Buford: Yeah, and maybe we can pick up some Greek frozen yogurt on the way.
Doofenshmirtz: Doreen? Come on, quit kidding around. Perry the Platypus! You found the Declutter-inator. Excellent. Okay, shoot me. Shoot me and I'll clean this whole place up. Oh, wait, wait wait, What? It's not plugged in? Hold on one second.
Lawrence: (Upon entering the backyard) My word, what a mess.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, here's an open socket. (He plugs in his -inator) That doesn't sound good. (The -inator sends out a blast destroying some of Doofenshmirtz's lair, and resulting in one beam from the -inator hitting Lawrence)
Lawrence: Ooh, I say, I feel the sudden urge to declutter.
Doofenshmirtz: Well, you have to admit it, it did get rid of the clutter.
Doreen: There you are.
Doofenshmirtz: Doreen! What's happenin'?
Doreen: My invoice. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. (She walks off)
Doofenshmirtz: (weakly) Curse you, Perry the Platypus.
Lawrence: And there goes the last of it.
Linda: Lawrence? What are you doing out here?
Lawrence: Oh, you know, just tidying up a little.
Linda: Well, the yard looks great. Come on in the kitchen. I've got a plate of cake that needs cleaning up.
Lawrence: I'm your man.
Jeremy: Now that we're all here, who would like to go first?
Candace: Ooh, me! In general I thought the Greek's decoy platypus was a brilliant idea until it got smashed by the T-Rex. It's use of lasers to destroy the city of Troy really seemed unbeatable, until Paris flew down in his laser chariot. The flying chariots were all; Phew! Phew! Phew! Phew! Phew! Phew! Phew! Gak! Gak! Gak! And Eew!
Candace: The Iliad is truly an epic.
Jeremy: Candace, you didn't read the book, did you?
Candace: (deadpan) I'm so busted.
Jeremy: Ah, that's okay, I don't think anyone did.
Stacy: (at the camera) I just come to book club for the tea.