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(Scene opens up in Baljeet's room.)
Baljeet: To truly understand my predicament, I feel it will be best expressed in a song. (Claps hands twice)
(Intro to "Baliwood" starts, then the camera pans to the exterior of the Flynn-Fletcher house...)

(In Candace's room...)
Candace: Let's see, who should I call first to hang out with? (Holds up cell phone) How about Jeremy!
(Beeps)
Jeremy: (Via recording) Hey, it's Jeremy. You know what to do after the (beep)
(Beeps)
Candace: Oh, hey, Jeremy. It's Candace. Uh, just seeing what's going on today. Call me back if you want to. Okay, bye! (Closes cell phone) Oh, man, that never gets easier. Oh, well, I'll just call Stacy. (Opens cell phone) She's probably been waiting by the phone all morning.
(Beep)
Stacy: (Via recording) You've reached Stacy's mobile. Leave a message, I'll get back to you.
(Beep)
Candace: Hey, Stace! It's Candace. Where are you? Call me! Hmm. That's weird. Who else can I call? I know! Jenny! I haven't seen her since the boys built a beach in the backyard.
Jenny: Hello?
Candace: Jenny, hey, it's Candy.
Jenny: (Via recording) Leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
Candace: Call me. Hmm. Who else do I know? Becky, this is Candace. I know we haven't talked since kindergarten, but... Hey, Wendy. This is Candace. We shared a seat on the bus to planetarium. Hello? Clarissa, this is Candace. We played volleyball at camp. Jill? Nancy? Barbara? Olga? Chicago Joe!
Woman: Information.
Candace: See a movie with me. (Screams) Where is everyone?

(Scene switches to Candace, who's now downstairs)
Candace: Are they all out having fun without me?
(Candace leaves; Perry then arrives to use an entrance to his lair)

(Scene switches to the garage)
Candace: So all my friends need some time to themselves, huh? (Dons her bike helmet)Well, not without me they're not.
(Candace leaves on her bike; her theme playing in the background)

(Scene switches to the exterior of the Googolplex Mall)
Manager: Hey; I'm looking for Jeremy too. I need him to work tomorrow. Our fry guy just defected over to Taco Tepee. (at Taco Tepee manager) You win this one, Cooks with Grease!

(Scene switches to Candace, pushing her bike)
Candace: Am I that bad to hang out with?
(Cell phone beeping)
Candace: Ooh! A text message. And it's from Stacy!
(Beep)
Candace: "CYL, BFF, S." What does that mean? Let's see. "Candace, You Loser....Bad Friendships Fail...Stacy." Harsh!
Pidgeons: (Cooing)
Candace: (sighs) Feels like I don't exist anymore, like I'm a nobody. I wish I could go to some cool faraway place and start over. Wait a minute. Those are Phineas and Ferb's bikes!

(Scene switches to Baljeet's room)
Baljeet: Inside I am thanking you a thousand times, even though on the outside I remain quite frugal.
Phineas: See you tomorrow.
Candace: What are you guys up to?
Phineas: We just built a teleport to a cool, faraway place.
Candace: Well, that's all I needed to hear! Candace Flynn is out. Peace! (Walks through the portal)
Phineas: Welcome to Mars.
Candace: Mars?!
(Portal fizzes then short-circuits)
Baljeet: Oh, no! The portal is broken! Ooh, now I will not get a good grade at the science fair tomorrow, and, uh,... there's also the issue of your sister stranded on a distant, barren planet.
Phineas: Don't worry, we can fix it. Heh. Candace is probably laughing about it as we speak!

(Back on Mars)
Candace: PHINEAS!!!

Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.!
(Perry uses a rope to climb up the building, then uses a laser to get into Doofenshmirtz's apartment. While he goes into a fighting stance, the camera pans to Doofenshmirtz, who's coloring on a blueprint)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, what's up? Oh, are you here to...? Oh, no, no. I'm running a little behind. I'm still in the middle of basic plotting and scheming. Plus, I-I...can't give you my evil scheme monologue because I write that last. Sorry! That's just how I roll.
(Perry's about to leave, when Doofenshmirtz stops him)
Doofenshmirtz: Wait, wait! Why don't you help me? That way I can finish faster and you can defeat me faster. It's win-win! Let me grab my coupons. We'll start by shopping for some supplies.

Candace: You guys are so busted! (echoing) Busted...busted... Now I truly am alone. (Notices a Mars Rover) Hey, it's one of those Mars Rovers. I'm saved!

(Scene switches to a command center)
("Watchin' and Waitin'" instrumental)
Man: (Screaming) I can't take it anymore! I've been staring at red rocks for 20 years! That's all that is on that stupid planet! Red rocks! Face it, there's no life on Mars. That's it! I'm shutting this place down! Game over! (The screen shuts down)

Candace: (While kicking at the Mars Rover) Stupid Rover! You're not going to ignore me too. Take that, you ugly, unmanned exploratory vehicle! And that!
(Beeping)
Candace: Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. (Notices a Martian) Huh?
Martian: (Taps the broken Rover)
Candace: What are you?
Martian: (Screeches)
(Indistinct chattering)
Martians: (Speaking in a foreign language)
Candace: What's going on? What are you doing? Put me down!

(Scene switches to Baljeet's room, where Phineas and Ferb just fixed the portal)
Phineas: There! I think we fixed it.
Baljeet: No, that is Venus. And that is Earth in prehistoric time. (Gasps, yells) Change it, change it, change it! Hey, look, it is us in the future fixing the portal.
Baljeet of the future: Hello, Baljeet of the past! Just watch us. That is how we learned to fix it. Gesundheit!
Baljeet: Thanks. (Sneezes)
(The portal opens, showing the broken Mars Rover.)
Phineas: It worked. Cool! (At Baljeet) Ok, give us 20 minutes to find Candace, then open up the portal.
Baljeet: Ooh, please be careful. I still need your help at the science fair tomorrow.
(The portal closes)
Phineas: Hmm. Something tells me Candace was here. Good thing you brought your tools. I got an idea.

Candace: Okay, what's going on? (A Martian places a crown on her head) Ooh. You're making me your ruler?
Martians: (Speaking foreign language)
Candace: Cool! Let's get this party started! Crank the tunes.
Martians: (Blinking)
Candace: Uh, you know, music. You guys don't know what music is? Well, it's like...it's like this.
(Up-tempo beats play)
Candace: That's it! You're getting it.
(Song: "Queen of Mars")
Candace: I was just a lonely girl looking for a little fun
Though without a friend in the world I was forced to find a new one!

Now I'm the Queen of Mars I was invisible on Earth
It only took a magic portal to Mars to give me some self worth

You put a crown on my head, and you all seem to worship me
Well you don't understand a word I've said, still you treat me like royalty!!

'Cause I'm the Queen of Mars I was invisible on Earth
It only took a magic portal to Mars and give me some self worth
Phineas: Whoo-hoo! (Ah, yeah) Follow that music, Ferb!

Candace: You are much more attentive than my friends on Earth, and better at building statues of me. Come on, let's walk and talk. Of course, I'll do most of the talking. Okay. To make things easier, I'll call you Good Stacy, and you, Good Jenny. And...huh?
Martians: (Speaking foreign language)
Candace: Oh, okay, what the heck? (Smashes a Mars Rover)
Martians: (Cheering)
(Phineas and Ferb arrive in the fixed up Mars Rover)
Phineas: Hey, Candace.
Candace: Phineas? Ferb?
Martians: (Chattering indistinctly)
Phineas: We're here to rescue you.
Candace: Why would I go back to being a nobody when I could be the queen of here?
Phineas: Well, there's a lot of... Uh, Candace, what's up with your friends?
Candace: Ah, ignore them. They're harmless. Hey, why don't you hang out while so you can tell everyone how popular I've become.

(Scene switches to a supermarket)
Doofenshmirtz: (While pushing a shopping cart) Okay, I've already got the chicken wire. Let's see. Oh, here! (Hands a list to Perry, who's sitting in the child's seat) You-you...take the list and cross things off as we go. Should we get something for later, like...like...one of those big pickles or a three-bean salad? (he bumps the shopping cart against another one)
(The camera pans out to reveal the other shopping cart is being pushing by Monogram with Carl in the child's seat. Awkward pause then Monogram backs away.)
Doofenshmirtz: Well, that was awkward.

(Scene switches to a palace on Mars)
Candace: I'm just gonna go for a walk. (A group of Martians points to a Mars Rover) Uh...uh...guys, not now, okay? (more Martians surrounds her) No, really, I would just like to got for a walk alone. (Groaning) (At Phineas and Ferb) There you are! Where've you guys been?
Phineas: Ferb was just explaining to the Martians how we got here.
Candace: Oh. Wait, what?
Phineas: Ferb speaks Martian. They're really excited about the idea of a science fair.
Candace: Figures. I'm the queen of little green nerds. Can you tell them that I want a little time to myself?
Ferb, Martian: (Both speaking Martian)
Ferb: They say fine, but not without them.
Candace: (Groans) Okay; just because I need to do things without you, sometimes, doesn't mean I don't like you or don't appreciate your friendship.
Phineas: But Candace, isn't that...
Candace: Yeah, yeah, just like my friends with me. Whoop-de-doo!
Martians: (All speaking Martian)
Phineas: It appears the Martians are blaming us for their queen wanting to leave.
Candace: Quick! Get in! Queen Candace is out! Peace!
Martians: (All screeching)
Phineas: Did you know they could do that?
Candace: No, but get this: Every part of their body is a musical instrument, and they never discovered music before. Martians are so lame.
Phineas: Hey, Candace. You got your cell phone on you? (At Baljeet) Hello, Baljeet?
Candace: How is it we have bars here?
Phineas: We kinda need you to open the portal now.
Candace: They're gaining on us!
Giant Martian: (Screaming)
(Portal opens; Candace drives through it)

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, thanks for your help. I usually hate shopping, but, you know. You make it fun.
(Perry, looking tired and cranky, points at something)
Doofenshmirtz: What, that? Oh, that's my first Inator. Good story. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Well, I should probably get back to my latest evil scheme! (Slams door with a foot) So long...sucker!

(Scene switches to the backyard)
Candace: Mom, Mom!
Linda: Well, hello, Candace. Where've you been? I want you to see my telescope.
Candace: A telescope? Perfect!

(Scene switches to Doofenshmirtz standing by his first Inator)
Doofenshmirtz: You know, I don't even remember what this does. (He pushes a button on the Inator, and a green beam shoots out of it) Oh, that's right, it just shoots a beam into space. No wonder why I lost to a baking soda volcano.

(Scene switches to the backyard)
Candace: Phineas and Ferb built this portal to Mars. I went through it and was crowned queen of the Martians. Now I know it sounds crazy, but this time, I have proof.
(She looks through the telescope and it eventually zooms in to an in-graving of her head)
Candace: Who does that look like?
(The beam from Doofenshmirtz's first Inator hits Mars)
Linda: (while looking through the telescope) Hmm. Well, it looks a little like a rhesus monkey wearing a powdered wig.
Candace: What? Let me see that.
(She looks through it again and sure enough, the in-graving has changed)
Candace: (Stuttering)

(Scene switches to the front yard)
Candace: (Sighing)
Jenny: Hey, Candace.
Candace: Oh, there you are, guys! Where have you been all day?
Jenny: I was at the dentist.
Jeremy: I was taking my little sister to the movies.
Stacy: Didn't you get my text message? "Call You Later, Best Friends Forever. Stacy."
Candace: Oh. (Chuckling) That's what I thought it said. It's funny, I kind of thought you guys were avoiding me.
Unknown guy: Actually, I was trying to avoid you.
Candace: (Pauses) Do I know you?
Unknown guy: No, that's how great it's been working. Unknown guy is out. Pee-ace!

End Credits[]

(Caption: 24 Hours Later)
Doofenshmirtz: I am invincible! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Where are we going?
(He and the portal vanishes with a poof of smoke)
Doofenshmirtz: (Groaning) Where am I? (The Martians surrounds him) Okay. Be cool, okay? (Notices the crown) What? Oh, you're going to make me your king? Well, ok, if you must. (Stuttering) What?
(A Martian places a crown on a baking soda volcano)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on!

Previous:
"Unfair Science Fair"
Episode transcripts Next:
"Out to Launch"
v - e - dEpisode transcripts
Season 1
"Rollercoaster" | "Lawn Gnome Beach Party of Terror" | "Flop Starz" | "The Fast and the Phineas"
"Lights, Candace, Action!" | "Raging Bully" | "Candace Loses Her Head" | "I, Brobot"
"Run Away Runway" | "The Magnificent Few" | "S'Winter" | "Jerk De Soleil" | "Are You My Mummy?"
"Ready for the Bettys" | "I Scream, You Scream" | "Toy to the World" | "Get That Bigfoot Outa My Face!"
"It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World" | "Mom's Birthday" | "Journey to the Center of Candace"
"It's About Time!" | "Dude, We're Getting the Band Back Together" | "Tree to Get Ready"
"The Ballad of Badbeard" | "Greece Lightning" | "Leave the Busting to Us!" | "Crack That Whip"
"The Best Lazy Day Ever" | "Boyfriend From 27,000 B.C." | "Voyage to the Bottom of Buford"
"A Hard Day's Knight" | "Traffic Cam Caper" | "Bowl-R-Ama Drama" | "Got Game?" | "Comet Kermillian"
"Put That Putter Away" | "Does This Duckbill Make Me Look Fat?" | "The Flying Fishmonger"
"One Good Scare Ought to Do It!" | "The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein" | "Oil on Candace"
"Out of Toon" | "Hail Doofania!" | "Out to Launch" | "Phineas and Ferb Get Busted!"
"Unfair Science Fair" | "Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story)"
Season 2
"The Lake Nose Monster" | "Interview With a Platypus" | "Tip of the Day" | "Attack of the 50 Foot Sister"
"Backyard Aquarium" | "Day of the Living Gelatin" | "Elementary My Dear Stacy" | "Don't Even Blink"
"Chez Platypus" | "Perry Lays an Egg" | "Gaming the System" | "The Chronicles of Meap"
"Thaddeus and Thor" | "De Plane! De Plane!" | "Let's Take a Quiz" | "At the Car Wash"
"Oh, There You Are, Perry" | "Swiss Family Phineas" | "Hide and Seek" | "That Sinking Feeling"
"The Baljeatles" | "Vanessassary Roughness" | "No More Bunny Business" | "Spa Day"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown" | "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo"
"Bubble Boys" | "Isabella and the Temple of Sap" | "Cheer Up Candace" | "Fireside Girl Jamboree"
"The Bully Code" | "Finding Mary McGuffin" | "Picture This" | "Nerdy Dancin'" | "What Do It Do?"
"Atlantis" | "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation!" | "Just Passing Through" | "Candace's Big Day"
"I Was a Middle Aged Robot" | "Suddenly Suzy" | "Undercover Carl" | "Hip Hip Parade"
"Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers" | "Ain't No Kiddie Ride" | "Not Phineas and Ferb"
"Phineas and Ferb-Busters!" | "The Lizard Whisperer" | "Robot Rodeo" | "The Beak" | "She's the Mayor"
"The Lemonade Stand" | "Phineas and Ferb Hawaiian Vacation" | "Nerds of a Feather" | "Wizard of Odd"
"We Call it Maze" | "Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Max Modem!" | "The Secret of Success"
"The Doof Side of the Moon" | "Split Personality" | "Brain Drain" | "Rollercoaster: The Musical!"
"Make Play" | "Candace Gets Busted"
Season 3
"The Great Indoors" | "Canderemy" | "Run, Candace, Run" | "Last Train to Bustville"
"Phineas' Birthday Clip-O-Rama!" | "The Belly of the Beast" | "Moon Farm" | "Ask a Foolish Question"
"Misperceived Monotreme" | "Candace Disconnected" | "Magic Carpet Ride" | "Bad Hair Day"
"Meatloaf Surprise" | "Phineas and Ferb Interrupted" | "A Real Boy" | "Mommy Can You Hear Me?"
"Road Trip" | "Tour de Ferb" | "Skiddley Whiffers" | "My Fair Goalie" | "Bullseye!" | "That's the Spirit"
"The Curse of Candace" | "Escape from Phineas Tower" | "Lotsa Latkes" | "Ferb Latin"
"A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas" | "Tri-Stone Area" | "Doof Dynasty" | "Excaliferb"
"Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon" | "Monster from the Id" | "Gi-Ants"
"The Remains of the Platypus" | "Mom's in the House" | "Perry The Actorpus" | "Let's Bounce"
"Bully Bromance Breakup" | "Quietest Day Ever" | "‎‎The Doonkelberry Imperative" | "Meapless in Seattle"
"Delivery of Destiny" | "Buford Confidential" | "The Mom Attractor" | "Cranius Maximus" | "Agent Doof"
"Minor Monogram" | "What A Croc!" | "Sleepwalk Surprise" | "Sci-Fi Pie Fly" | "Sipping with the Enemy"
"Tri-State Treasure: Boot of Secrets" | "Doofapus" | "Norm Unleashed" | "Where's Perry?"
"Where's Perry? (Part Two)" | "Ferb TV" | "When Worlds Collide" | "What'd I Miss?" | "Road to Danville"
"This Is Your Backstory" | "Blackout!"
Season 4
"For Your Ice Only" | "Happy New Year!" | "Fly On the Wall" | "Bully Bust" | "My Sweet Ride"
"Der Kinderlumper" | "Sidetracked" | "Primal Perry" | "Mind Share" | "Backyard Hodge Podge"
"Bee Day" | "Bee Story" | "Great Balls Of Water" | "Where's Pinky?"
"Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown Hosted by Kelly Osbourne"
"Knot My Problem" | "Just Desserts" | "La Candace-Cabra" | "Happy Birthday, Isabella"
"Love at First Byte" | "One Good Turn" | "Thanks But No Thanks" | "Troy Story" | "Druselsteinoween"
"Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror" | "Face Your Fear" | "Cheers for Fears" | "Steampunx"
"Just Our Luck" | "Return Policy" | "Live and Let Drive" | "Father's Day" | "Imperfect Storm"
"The Return of the Rogue Rabbit" | "It's No Picnic" | "The Klimpaloon Ultimatum"
"Operation Crumb Cake" | "Mandace" | "Lost in Danville" | "The Inator Method"
"Tales from the Resistance: Back to the 2nd Dimension" | "Doof 101" | "Act Your Age"
Season 5
"Summer Block Buster" | "Cloudy with a Chance of Mom" | "Appetite for Adventure" | "License to Bust"
"Dry Another Day" | "Deconstructing Doof" | "Tropey McTropeface" | "Biblio-Blast!" | "A Chip to the Vet"
"More Than an Intern" | "The Aurora Perry-Alis" | "Agent T (For Teen)" | "The Haberdasher"
"The Candace Suit" | "Out of Character" | "Meap Me in St. Louis"
Specials
Original Pitch | "Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You!" | "Phineas and Ferb: Mission Marvel"
"Phineas and Ferb Save Summer" | "Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars" | "Night of the Living Pharmacists"
"Last Day of Summer" | "O.W.C.A. Files" | "The Phineas and Ferb Effect"
Films
Across the 2nd Dimension | Candace Against the Universe
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