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What A Croc!/Transcript

< What A Croc!

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(Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house. Linda and Candace are then seen walking towards the front door)
Linda: Alright, Candace, I'm headed out to the zoo to do my volunteer work.
Candace: Which means I'm in charge.
Linda: Well, not really, 'cause Dad's here. Right, honey?

(Cut to Lawrence, Phineas and Ferb in the living room watching television.)
Lawrence: That's right, dear.
Announcer: And now back to Horse in a Bookcase.
(Song: "Horse in a Bookcase")
It's a horse in a bookcase...
It's a horse in a bookcase...
Little horse in a bookcase...
It's a horse...
(The horse winnies.)

(Cut back to Candace and Linda.)
Linda: You're in charge.
Candace: (smiling and opening the door for her mother) Bye, Mom! Have fun at the zoo!
(Irving appears behind the door.)
Irving: Hello, Candace. Are Phineas and Ferb here?
Candace: Yes. (closes door. A knock is heard. She opens it and Irving reappears) Yes?
Irving: Can I see them?
Candace: Probably not from there. (Closes the door again. Another knock is heard. She opens it.)
Irving: I would like to visit with my friends Phineas and Ferb. Could I please come in?
Candace: Well, why didn't you say so?
Irving: (walks in with a tablet device in his hand) I am sure you would like to know what it is I am holding in my hands.
Candace: Nope.
Irving: Well, if you insist. Behold, the Ultimate Phineas and Ferb Digital Scrapbook! UPAFDS for short. (Pronounced as "Up-af-ds")
Candace: Up-a-feds?
Irving: UPAFDS!
Candace: Whatevs. (exits)
Irving: It's a digital compilation of Phineas and Ferb's creations!
Candace: (skidding back in) Phineas and Ferb's creations?
Irving: Yeah, see? (He flips through the device, which includes photos of the rollercoaster, Candace's head on Mt. Rushmore, the chariot race, the treehouse robots, and the rocketship to space) It's everything they've done over the summer.
Candace: It's perfect! Could I just borrow that for a—
Irving: Foo-foo-foo-foo-foo! The UPAFDS does not leave my person!
Phineas: Hey, Irving! Is that the UPAFDS?
Irving: Why, yes. Yes, it is.
Phineas: Cool! Let's see!
Gordon Gutsofanemu: (on TV) We interrupt Horse in a Bookcase to bring you this breaking news bulletin. Little Crikey the Crocodile has gone missing. Kids everywhere remember little Crikey the Crocodile from his popular show, Little Crikey the Crocodile.
Hobo Dan: I dunno, I just thought it would be nice for Crikey to take a ride, get some fresh air. Uh, but a couple of speed bumps later, badda-bing, badda-boom, no Crikey! I just hope he's okay.
Gordon Gutsofanemu: Search parties are looking in the swamp areas in Danville, but nobody has seen any sign of him.
Phineas: They're wasting their time in that swampy marsh. Everyone knows crocodiles head for the sewers. That's where we need to look. Tiny Crikey needs our help. Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!
Irving: Ferb, I know what I'm gonna do today, too!
Candace: Yes, Ferb, I know what I'm gonna take today—I mean borrow—I mean—
Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Perry upstairs. He puts on his fedora. He takes down the bathroom door and opens it on the floor revealing a stairway, which he goes down. Cut to Agent P's lair. Agent P turns on the computer. However, instead of Major Monogram, a certain Golden Globe nominated actor appears on screen.)
Ray Liotta: Good morning, Agent P. I know what you're thinking: "Aren't you Hollywood's Ray Liotta?" The answer is yes. Yes, I am. I'm sitting in for my good friend, Major Monogram, while he's getting some manscaping done. I mean, mustaches like that, they don't just happen. Besides, I owe him big for that favor he did for me at...the Academy.
Young Monogram's Voice: Hey, uh, Ray, I...I just did a favor for you.
Young Liotta's Voice: Thanks, Francis. I owe you big.
Ray Liotta: Anyway, our web monitors tell us that Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been frequenting websites and blogs dedicated to chickens and chicken-related jokes. We don't know what that means, but it's gotta be something fowl. We need you to get out there and take him down a peg! (Perry salutes) Good luck, Agent P! (Perry leaves and Liotta laughs) That felt great, Carl! Fighting evil like that, I was like zing, wow, yeah! Why did I ever drop out of the Academy to become a big Hollywood star when I'm needed here?
Carl: (offscreen) Well, to be fair, sir, you do get paid more than we do.
Ray Liotta: Yes. Yes, I do.

(Cut to the sewers. Phineas, Ferb, Candace and Irving are on a boat powered by a giant fan.)
Candace: So tell me exactly how you plan to catch this crocodile.
Phineas: Simple. We'll use the Crocolocator. See that blip straight ahead of us? That's Crikey.
Candace: What's that other dot?
Phineas: Oh. Well, apparently, there's buried treasure down here. Eh, maybe some other day.
Irving: This is so exciting!
Candace: So, Irving, (taking the UPAFDS) maybe I should keep this safe while we—
Irving: (swiping it back) Foo-foo-foo-foo! I am sorry, Candace, as much as I have great reverence for you, the UPAFDS does not leave my person...EVAH!
Candace: Oooh, all I wanna do is show it to Mom!
Irving: Oh! Well, sure. As soon as we're done with the mission, we can show her to your mother.
Candace: Really? I can just show her to—Wait a minute, did you just call it a "her"?
Irving: Yeah, "her", see? (falsetto) "Hi, Candace, I'm the UPAFDS! And I'm a girl!"
(Pause as Candace blinks.)
Candace: Anyway, as soon as we're done finding this little crocodile, it's straight to Mom with the evidence! (to her brothers) Come on! Move it move it move it!
Phineas: That's the spirit, sis!
Candace: You guys are going down, down, DOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNNNN!!!!!!
(The boat goes down a waterfall.)

(Cut to:)
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
(Cut to inside. The intercom buzzes. Doofenshmirtz walks up to push it.)
Doofenshmirtz: Who is it? (Perry chatters on the intercom) Oh, Perry the Platypus, come on up. (He pushes the door button and giggles to himself and sneaks behind a chair. He peers from behind to laugh again. Perry opens the door and runs in. Doofenshmirtz jumps from behind the chair with a remote.) Aha! (He pushes the button and a net falls down on him.) Okay, I chalk that up to poor planning...again. (gives Perry a newspaper) Anyhow, look at this. Can you believe it? My goody two-shoes brother is getting an award for being the best Danville mayor ever for the second year in a row! And he's only been mayor for one year! I am going to make sure he never gets that award! Uh, you see, people used to laugh at me all the time. I know it's hard to believe now, but it's true. They would laugh at me. And would they laugh at my brother? No! Never! Of course not! Well, things are about to change. Thanks to my brand new Chicken-Replace-inator!
(Cut to an inator that looks like a chicken.)
Buck buck BAWWWWWWK!
(Perry gives him a look)
Doofenshmirtz: This beautiful device replaces anything it hits with a chicken! How funny will that be? Roger gets handed the award, and suddenly, it's a chicken! Ha ha! And not just chicken, but the nearest chicken! Which, when you think about it, saves a lot of energy. I mean, why pull some chicken from halfway around the world when, uh, there might be one available right around the cornerrrrrrruh? (takes off the net and throws it onto Perry) Ah, this is much better. Anyway, like I was saying, all I have to do is point this at Roger just as they're handing him his award, and zap! He goes from prestigious mayor with a major award to just some guy holding a chicken. I mean, have you ever seen anyone not laugh at a chicken? Chicken laugh! Chicken laugh! It's obligatory.

(Cut back to the sewers.)
Phineas: The Crocolocator says he should be right here. Maybe there's some other way to track him.
Candace: Phineas, puh-leez. I'm all the equipment you'll ever need. I mean, hello, let us not forget that I wrestled a ferocious alligator. (Unbeknownst to her, a giant crocodile appears behind her.) A scrappy little crocodile is nothing for a pro like me. (to the crocodile behind her) I'n' that right? (Her eyes pop in sudden realization)
Ferb: Oh. Looks like Little Crikey grew up.
(Candace runs and screams.)
Phineas: She must be getting a bigger net.
(Candace starts the boat and screams.)
Irving: We're gonna need another boat.
Phineas: (on his walkie-talkie) Isabella, execute Plan B!
(Cut to Isabella, Holly and Gretchen on jet skis in the sewer.)
Isabella: Roger that, Phineas! We're on our way! Okay, girls, let's light 'em up!

(Song: "Subterranean Crocodile Apprehension Expedition")
It's a subterranean crocodile apprehension expedition.
If you've never apprehend a croc under ground,
Then you don't know what you're missing.

Going through the sewers in a big fanboat,
Gonna grab a gator and that's all she wrote.
Get him in a net, and then we're gonna gloat for a while...
Cause he's a big reptile.

Lord, look at the size of that gator! Ha-ha!

Cause he's a prehistoric lizard with a streak of mean,
Eyes so black and scales so green.
More sharp teeth than you've ever seen in his smile...
Yeah, he's a big reptile.

Yeah, that's one mean gator.

Phineas: Nice short cut, we're right behind her. Hey, what happened to Buford and Baljeet?

(Seeing Buford and Baljeet with a hotdog vendor)
Baljeet: Come on! She is getting away!
Buford: Gimme a second. If I eat nine, the tenth one is free!

It's a subterranean crocodile apprehension expedition.
Subterranean crocodile apprehension expedition.

(Cut to Doofenshmirtz looking through binoculars at the ceremony)
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes, there he is. The second he takes that award, bazing! There it is. It's chicken time, baby! (Perry throws the net back onto Doofenshmirtz) The net? Again? (takes it off) Really? You know somethin'... What are you doin'? (Perry hits the inator with a wrench and breaks the pedestal) Careful with that! (Doofenshmirtz catches the inator) Perry the Platypus, you are gonna get such a chickening! (He zaps the wrench which is replaced by a chicken.) Ah! (He zaps something down below. Cut to a posh old lady with a dog. The dog gets replaced by a chicken. The lady laughs. Doofenshmirtz zaps it again. It zaps a car, which gets replaced by a giant chicken. The man in the car laughs. A crossing guard is then replaced by a chicken. Two boys crossing laugh.) I hope you're noting this, Perry the Platypus! Chicken laugh! Chicken laugh! See?! I told ya!

(Cut back to the crocodile chase. Candace is still screaming with Crikey behind her.)
Phineas: Candace, aim your boat for the middle tube!
(Candace continues screaming as the boat flies out of the tube followed by the others over Danville Nature Preserve. They skid to a stop.)
Phineas: Candace, you did it!
(The boat, with Candace and Crikey, is sitting on a fence. The boat gets zapped and replaced by a chicken, which Candace lands on.)


(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, come out, come out, wherever you are. You've got an appointment with the nearest chicken. I've got something that I need to— (He gets startled as he sees Perry standing in front of him) Now, prepare to be turned into a— (Perry takes out a rubber chicken) Huh, what is that? A rubber chicken? (Perry puts the rubber chicken into the inator's beak) What are you gonna do with... Actually, that's kinda funny. No matter! Prepare to meet your chicken! (He activates the inator, which starts to inflate and overheat) What the heck's wrong with this? Oh boy.
(Perry escapes on his parachute)
Agent P!
Doofenshmirtz: No, no!! (Kaboom! We hear massive clucking inside)

(Cut to the Farmer's Wife's Nearest Chicken Farm. The farmer is painting over the sign since the chicken farm is now full of Doof's furniture. His wife comes in with some groceries.)
Farmer's Wife: I don't believe it! I go to the store for fifteen minutes and when I get back, I find that you've turned our Nearest Chicken Farm into a swap meet!
Farmer: And what did you buy, dear?
Farmer's Wife: Frozen lasagna. They were on special two for one, so I bought two, I figured we could have one tonight and then we could have the other one when your sister and her husband...Ah d-don't change the subject!

(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz who is now in a room full of chickens)
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, look, it's chickens! It's (groans) I guess chickens aren't as funny as I thought.

(Cut back to the nature preserve.)
Phineas: Wow, Candace, that was fantastic! The way you handled the boat and brought Crikey to safety! You are one pretty awesome big sis!
(The chicken Candace is sitting on clucks as Linda approaches them.)
Linda: Hi, kids! Hey! How did Crikey get here? They must've brought him in while I was at lunch. Candace, why are you sitting on a chicken?
Candace: (runs out) Wait right here, Mom! I've got evidence!
(The chicken walks away.)
Linda: But why was she sitting on a chicken?
Phineas: I don't know, Mom. (chuckles) It's actually kinda funny.
Linda: Yes. Yes, it is.
Candace: (running up to Irving and grabbing the UPAFDS) Hehehehehehe... Give me that nerd box! I'm tired of being nice!
Irving: No way! I told you, the UPAFDS does not leave my person eveeer!!!
(The UPAFDS slips out of their hands and Crikey swallows it.)
Candace and Irving: Oh no!
Candace: You ate my evidence, you overgrown lizard!
(Perry is heard chattering.)
Phineas: There you are, Perry!
Candace: I just can't believe it's gone!
Irving: Aw, don't be blue. All we've gotta do is wait a couple of hours—
Candace: Ew, disgusting!
Irving: What? My brother will be here with my backup. What were you think— (realizes) Oh, that is disgusting!

End Credits

(Song: "Subterranean Crocodile Apprehension Expedition")
It's a subterranean crocodile apprehension expedition.
If you've never apprehend a croc under ground,
Then you don't know what you're missing.

Going through the sewers in a big fanboat,
Gonna grab a gator and that's all she wrote.
Get him in a net, and then we're gonna gloat for a while...
Cause he's a big reptile.

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