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Where's Perry?/Transcript

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Part I

(Scene opens up at the Danville International Airport where Linda, Lawrence, Betty Jo, Grandpa Clyde, Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, and Perry are waiting for the flight to Africa to depart.)
Linda: Mom, don't forget to water the plants. We'll be back before you know it.
Betty Jo: It's so exciting! I remember our trip to Africa.
Grandpa Clyde: That was Arkansas.
Betty Jo: Oh, that's right, but you have fun in Africa.
Lawrence: Ah, my university chummy has been trying to get us to visit his animal research station for years now.
Phineas: I bet Perry's looking forward to meeting all the wild animals.
(Perry's wrist communicator beeps)
Major Monogram: Oh, there you are, Agent P. We've intercepted a text from Doofenshmirtz and we need you. I'm sorry, Agent P. You know we wouldn't do this if it weren't an emergency. I'm afraid you're going to have to miss your family vacation. Use Host Escape Diversion Technique B-17.
(Perry pretends that he is sick)
Phineas: Hey! You okay, boy? Oh, no, I think he's sick.
Linda: Oh, he doesn't sound well enough to travel, hon. Maybe we should leave him at home.
Man: Sorry, kids, your Mom's right. The airline forbids transport of animals who are ill.
Phineas: Are you a pilot?
Man: No, I'm a dentist. I just like wearing these hats.
Lawrence: The dentist is right, boys. Your mother is right.
Phineas: You know, if Perry can't go, then Ferb and I will stay home with him.
Betty Jo: Don't be silly, sweetie. You enjoy your trip. Grandpa and I will take good care of him.
Airline Announcer: Flight 4311 now boarding.
Phineas: ...Well, okay. We're sure going to miss you, little fella. Feel better soon. Eat all your food and get plenty of rest. We'll see you in no time.
(Candace's cellphone rings)
Candace: Hey.
Stacy: Hey, world traveler! Ready to go?
Candace: No. Jeremy said he would see me off, but he's not here yet.
Stacy: Oh, I'm sure he's got a perfectly good reason.
Candace: But he said he had something to tell me...
Airline Announcer: (In the background) Final call for Flight 4311!
Candace:...something important.
Airline announcer: Final call for Flight 4311!
Candace: (Talking to an airline personnel, with a bull horn announcing the final call) I heard ya'.
Airline Personnel: Well!

(The airplane is on the tarmac, waiting for clearance to take-off)
Linda: I still can't believe you got dinner reservations at Chez Afrique. The travel guide says it's the top romantic destination restaurant. Five star service. Panoramic views....
Lawrence: Well, I'm looking at the most amazing view right now.
Linda: Oh, honey...
Lawrence: No, no, really. Look how many suitcases they have in that tiny truck.
Linda: Ooh, that is amazing.
Buford: Move over.
Baljeet: But I got here first. Why should I sit in the middle seat...
(Buford picks Baljeet up, and places him in the middle seat next to Isabella who has the other isle seat.)
Buford: There's your reason.
Baljeet: You know, you can not solve every with your muscles. Sometimes you need brains.
Buford: Yeah, like for dinner. Little bit of garlic, a little bit of butter, brains are delicious.
Phineas: (sighs dejectedly) Perry would have loved sitting on the tarmac for no reason. (sighs again) And he would have loved this visual gag, too. (referring to Ferb wearing five neck pillows)
Flight Attendant: (to Isabella) Couldn't help but notice your sash. I was a Fireside Girl myself. Enjoy your complimentary orange juice.
Isabella: Thanks. (to Buford and Baljeet) Gentlemen.
Baljeet: Networking is everything.
Isabella: Did you know that African chapter of the Fireside Girls has its own special edition survival patches? (Listing some of the patches) "Identifying fauna and flora." Easy. "Finding water." Child's play. And, "eating a grub"?
Buford: Little bit of garlic, a little bit a butter...
Baljeet: Do not worry, Isabella. You do not have to have every patch.
Isabella: I don't have to have every...! Do you even hear the words coming out of your mouth?
Candace: (chuckles) Jeremy and I are cool. Stacy's right. I mean there's a good reason why he didn't show up. And he probably want's to tell me he wants us to... Start wearing matching sweaters or something cute like that. (chuckles) Yeah, yeah. (Her cellphone rings) It's him! Jeremy? Hello? Jeremy? You wanted to tell me somethin- Oh, we got cut off.
Flight Attendant: Miss, we're taking off. Please hang up your phone.
Candace: But I need to call my boyfriend back. He has something important to tell me.
Flight Attendant: Not until we land, I'm afraid.
Candace: How long is this flight?
Flight Attendant: Eighteen hours.
Candace: Ugh, eighteen hours, with no phone.

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher house)
Betty Jo: Make sure he's nice and comfortable, Clyde. (Perry coughs and sneezes) What do you say when a platypus sneezes?
Grandpa Clyde: I'll go check my monotreme manners book.
Betty Jo: You have a book on monotreme manners?
Grandpa Clyde: You don't know everything about me.
(Perry springs up, and makes an imitation of himself with a tissue box, then sneaks to his lair via an old radiator.)


Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P. It turns out the text we intercepted from Doofenshmirtz didn't actually warrant you missing your family vacation. My bad. But in my defense, his text was written in all caps, but upon farther investigation, it looks as though he just hit the caps lock by mistake. Anyway, he's up to something. Go check it out.


(Scene shifts to the airport in Africa)
Airport Announcer: Jambo and welcome to Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. (The announcement continues to go on in Swahili)
(A man goes to grab Candace who just came out of the luggage chute, in the fetal position, clutching her cell phone.)
Woman: No, dear, our daughter's blond. Here she is!
Daughter: Eighteen hours with no texting.
Phineas: (Referring to Candace) This one's ours.
Lawrence: Welcome to Africa, Candace.
(Candace dials a phone number)
Operator: We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed.
Candace: "Cannot be completed!" What is that?
Baljeet: Do you have an international calling card?
Candace: Oh, no I don't. Give me yours.
Baljeet: I do not have one.
Buford: I got a card. (He pulls out a stack of cards) Pick a card, any card.
Candace: Don't magic me. This is serious.
Buford: Who's magicin'? I'm just givin' away cards.
Baljeet: May I have one?
Buford: No.
Ignatius: Hairy Larry.
Lawrence: Hello, old friend.
Ignatius: How are you?
Linda: Hairy Larry?
Lawrence: Well, you know how there are no photographs of me between 1976 to 1979?
Linda: Yeah.
Lawrence: Well, there you are. (to Ignatius) Um, I'd like you to me my wife Linda, and our kids and their friends. Everyone, this is Ignatius Ukareamü, my old college chum.
Candace: Hey, Iggy. How are ya'?
Ignatius: Well, hello, young lady, I have heard-
Candace: So you got a phone at that research station of yours?
Linda: Candace...
Ignatius: Ahh, teenagers are teenagers anywhere in the world.
Lawrence: Of course, they have a phone, Candace. Africa isn't as primitive as you think.
Ignatius: Your father's right. Now come on, the giraffe is waiting outside. ...I kid you.


Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated (sped up)
Doofenshmirtz: (Speaking rapidly) Ah, Perry the Platypus! Come in, get trapped,... (A pair of mechanical arms grabs hold of Perry) ...listen to my back-story. When I was a child, I grew flabby, which made me want to make the Fitness-Equipment-Lock-inator. Bum bum bum. I just run on this treadmill, and out comes a sonic beam that locks every other piece of fitness equipment in the Tri-State Area. Blah, blah, blah. Everyone's fat and tired. I sprint into city hall and take over. (Perry easily pulls off the cuffs that were restraining him.) No! Perry the Platypus, don't do it. Don't push this self-destruct button. This one right here... (Doofenshmirtz presses the button, and the -inator blows up) Oopsie daisies! Pushed it myself. Grr. Boo. Hiss. That's right, I'm a loser. Alright, go on now, you won fair and square. (Perry leaves) Curse you, Perry the... and he's gone. Haha, I can't believe he fell for that decoy -inator. Norm?
Norm: Always a pleasure to see your sooty face, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Ha-ah-ha! Perry the Platypus is out of the picture. I'm Perry-free for the rest of the day. I'm sans-Perry. I am platypus-less. And now, because I still need to get it out of my system, behold! The Ultimate-Evil-inator! Isn't it ugly? You see Norm, it occurred to me that fighting underlings like Perry the Platypus is a waste of time. Why not go straight to the top? Why not take out the big boss?
Norm: Major Monogram?
Doofenshmirtz: Why not choke off the wellspring from which all OWCA goodness-
Norm: Major Monogram?
Doofenshmirtz: Let me just say it, will you? Ugh, you know, Perry the Platypus never interrupts me like this. Just saying. -From which all OWCA goodness flows, Major Monogram. There, see? See? You ruined it. You ruin everything. Just like I always say. Anyway, with this I'll blast Major Monogram, turning him evil! And then he'll, you know, join me as my sidekick. And give me access to the OWCA's vast computer network. Thus assuring my Tri-State Area domination. Every afternoon at this time, Major Monogram goes up to the OWCA's roof to sunbathe. (Doofenshmirtz fires the -inator, bouncing it off a satellite on a direct course for the OWCA headquarters.)

(On top of the OWCA's roof, Major Monogram is examining his uvula, while Carl is grilling)
Major Monogram: Hey, Carl, does my uvula look unusually large to you? (He turns his mirror towards Carl. Just as the ray was to hit him, it bounces off, and hits Carl.)
Carl: Meap.

Doofenshmirtz: (Laughing evilly) My neighbor's cat is totally shredding her drapes again. Too bad I can't see the OWCA from here. But it should be over by now. Pack up the -inators, Norm. Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated has a new headquarters!
Norm: Packing, sir.
Doofenshmirtz: Remember, lift with your legs.


(Scene shifts to the research station)
Ignatius: Welcome to the research station. (He helps the kids out of the truck)
Isabella: Thank you.
Phineas: Hey, Mr. Ukareamü, what's over there?
Ignatius: Scrap metal, power tools, and spare parts left over from building the station.
Phineas: You had me at "scrap."
Ferb: You had me at "scra-."
Buford: So when are we going on safari?
Ignatius: We just need to refuel the truck, and we will be on our way.
Baljeet: Uh, can you point me to the bathroom?
Ignatius: Young man, there is a bush over there with your name on it.
Baljeet: My name? Really? How did it... Oh, you mean that figuratively.
Candace: Phone! Phone! Do you have a phone?
Worker: Well, I do have one, but the cell towers are down for maintenance.
Candace: Ugh. (A monkey pretends to use a banana as a phone) Does that banana have international coverage?
Ignatius: Alright, everyone, load up. We are going on a safari.

(Song: "On the Savannah")
Nine happy campers on the savannah,
Across the East African rift,
Give the baboon a big banana
And don't cheat the cheetah, if you get my drift.

Some sleep in the daylight
And then they hunt by night,
Not a single traffic light,
Not a fence in sight
And I'm feeling all right.

On the savannah.

Sailing through the seas of velvety pelt,
There's a funky little hippo on the prowl,
Put on your safety belt and block your nose,
That's how we roll.

I'm most struck by the waterbuck,
You're compelled by the gazelle,
Let's have a feast with the wildebeest,
Better keep your eye on the sleeping lion,
Gonna be polite, or they just might bite,
Still we're feeling all right.
On the savannah.
On the savannah!

Ignatius: And this, everyone is the uncharted gorge. They call it Haijulikani Wadi.
Phineas: That's beautiful. What's it mean?
Ignatius: Uncharted gorge.
Ferb: Wow, they really nailed that name.
Ignatius: In order to get down there, you would need a highly unconventional vehicle.
Phineas: A highly unconventional vehicle? Ferb, I know what were going to do today.
Ignatius: Alright, everyone, back on the truck.

(Song: "On the Savannah" (instrumental))
Ignatius: (Back at the camp) And that is why there are no kangaroos in Africa, Buford.
Buford: Oh, man!
Linda: Let's give Iggy a big hand for this marvelous tour.
Isabella: Woo hoo, that was great.
Phineas: Thank you. That was great.
Ignatius: You are quite welcome. You folks relax and enjoy the camp. I have to muck out Kalama's pen. It is not all glamor.
Phineas: Mr. Ukareamü? Ferb and I were wondering if we could use some of your scrap metal to make a highly unconventional vehicle.
Ignatius: Help yourselves, boys.
Phineas: Thanks.
Ignatius: Such imagination.
Lawrence: Well, dear, it looks like everyone's found something to do, and Chez Afrique dinner reservation's in an hour.
Linda: I can't wait. I'm Chez Ah-freaking out.
Lawrence: Oh, good one.


(Scene shifts to the OWCA headquarters)
Major Monogram: Doofenshmirtz? What are you doing here? Did you finally come here to surrender?
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, right, Francis. Wanna give me a hand with these boxes?
Major Monogram: I! I will do no such thing.
Doofenshmirtz: Feels good doesn't it? Being evil, huh?
Major Monogram: What are you talking about? I'm good.
Doofenshmirtz: Good and evil, wink wink.
Major Monogram: Why are you winking? And you know you don't have to say "wink" when you wink.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on, Francis, you've been zapped by my Ultimate-Evil-inator. I mean, if it didn't hit you, then who did it hit?
(A large kibble comes down and traps them)
Carl: (He comes walking in stroking a skull in his hand) Looks like I got two for one. I'm going to take over the Tri-State Area, and with my administrators access to OWCA's supercomputer, and intimate knowledge of proper photocopying techniques, I'm just the unpaid stooge to do it.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, you know what? I think maybe it hit him.
Major Monogram: Ya' think?
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, but whose skull is he caressing?

Part II

(Back in Africa...)
Isabella: Wow, that was fun. Thank you for teaching me the Adumu.
(Song: "Izzy's Got the Frizzies" (Instrumental))
Adumu Teacher: And thank you for teaching us the Izzy's Got the Frizzies.
Isabella: My pleasure, Sankei. Well, I should get back to the research center.
Sankei: Goodbye and good luck with that whole grub thing.
Isabella: Thanks. (She walks off)
Sankei: Eat grubs. Yuck, right?
Adumu Teacher 2: I don't remember having to do that when I was a Fireside Girl.

Isabella: What'cha doin?
Phineas: Figuring out which animal attributes to give to our highly unconventional vehicle.
Isabella: Sounds cool. What'd ya have in mind?

(Song: "Highly Unconventional Vehicle")
Phineas: We need a cheetah's muscle so we can hustle
And a couple big gorilla hands.
Buford: For climbing!
Phineas: Hope your seat belt's fastened, 'cause the motor's been fashioned
After baboon adrenal glands.
We got a rhino's horn in case we run into trouble,
A big giraffe neck so our reach can double,
The tail was gonna be a snake, I'm glad we used pencil
'Cause a monkey's tail will give us something more prehensile...

It's a highly unconventional vehicle,
It doesn't have wheels or a carburetor,
It doesn't have a windshield, it doesn't have wings,
It doesn't have a heater, but we're at the equator,
So I guess that's not so apropos

'Cause it wouldn't need a heater even if it wasn't such a...
Highly unconventional vehicle (highly unconventional vehicle),
It's a highly unconventional vehicle (highly unconventional vehicle),
It's a highly unconventional vehicle!
Yeah!

(Scene shifts to the Flynn-Fletcher household)
Betty Jo: Oh, Perry, it's a shame you couldn't go to Arkansas with the boys. Lucky for you, you don't know what your missing.
(Perry takes out a picture of Phineas and Ferb and looks at it sadly)


(At the OWCA headquarters, Doofenshmirtz and Monogram are now locked in prison cells.)
Doofenshmirtz: But my intelligence specifically said that you would be sunbathing, it never mentioned an intern.
Major Monogram: That's because he's not officially an employee, he's unpaid.
Doofenshmirtz: You don't pay him?
Major Monogram: He gets college credit.
Doofenshmirtz: Are you sure you're not evil?
Major Monogram: Carl! You can't keep us cooped up in here. Though the self-serve smoothie machine is a welcome diversion.
Carl: I'm evil, not uncivilized. Did you try the Madagascar chocolate?
Doofenshmirtz: Mmm, you can really taste the Madagascar.
Major Monogram: Carl, you're a solid B+ student with a promising future. What could you possibly have to gain from all this?
Carl: What could I have to gain? Let me tell you, old man.

(Song: "Evil for Extra Credit")
Carl: I used to put up with too much aggravation
But take a look at me now,
I got a new vocation,
You heard it here first
'Cause I'm the one who said it,
Yeah, I'm evil...
Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!
Carl: I'm evil for extra credit!

If you're looking for trouble
Well, I think you've found it.
I park wherever I want
I dare you to impound it.
If I'm losing a video game
I just reset it
'Cause I'm evil...
Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!

Carl: I'm evil for extra credit, yeah
That's right,
I'm evil for extra credit!
Tell 'em all about it, girls!

Backup Female Singers: He'll do anything for good grades.
Carl: You know I will!
Backup Female Singers: He's an evil jack of all trades.
Carl: I do it all!
Backup Female Singers: You want badness? Then he's got it in spades.
Carl: I got a full deck ladies.
Backup Female Singers: Looks so good in leather and shades.
Carl: You heard it here first, 'cause I'm the one who said it
'Cause I'm evil.
Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!
Carl: I'm evil for extra credit.
I'm evil for extra credit!

Major Monogram: (scoffs) You may have some cleverly concealed singing chops, but to me, you'll always be an unpaid intern.
Carl: Drink your smoothie, mustache man. (At Doofenshmirtz) And you, go unload my -inators.
Doofenshmirtz: Actually, I uh, think those -inators kinda belong to..-
Carl: Quiet, intern!
Doofenshmirtz: Uh, paid intern.
Carl: No, that's not how we do things around here.
Major Monogram: (After spotting a large box of straws) Hmm, that gives me an idea. And this time, a good idea. Not like the one I had about the-


Linda: Wow, this restaurant is really out of the way. I bet you can see the entire savannah from up there.
Maitre D: ...And tonight our chef is making his signature dish, which The Culinary League of France calls, "Wildebeest Under Glass".
Linda and Lawrence: Ooh!

(Scene shifts to the research center)
Candace: Telephone? Telephone? Telephone? I'll never know what Jeremy wants to tell me. This whole continent hates me. That lion, those two circus clowns in the ultra-light, the mysterious object under this tarp. (removes the tarp to reveal...) Telephone! Big, weird, wind-up telephone. (Reading) "For best reception place unit in high location with unobstructed views." (begins to drag the telephone towards a tree) Heeheeheeheehee, heeheehee.


(Doofenshmirtz wheels in an -inator)
Doofenshmirtz: Aw, man; you know, I made a Move-A-Bunch-Of-Inators-inator at one point. This would have been really good time to use it. I don't know how that slipped my min-
Carl: Enough of you mindless prattle, minion! Show me my -inators!
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, okay, sheesh! Testy. First up is the Disintegrator-inator...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, uh, then we also have the Galaxy-inator, which...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The Derezz-inator?
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The Overhang-inat...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The Upper-decker...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The Pickle-Slicer...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The Stand-And...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The Boar...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: The...
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: (Inhales)
Carl: Weak.
Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on! I was just inhaling.

(Through Perry's wrist communicator)
Major Monogram: Agent P! Something terrible has happened. Listen carefully; these straws are about to collapse like a flimsy...
(The straws collapse cutting off communication)
Major Monogram: Oh, I was going to say "noodle."


(High up in a tree, Candace is trying to place a phone call.)
Candace: Yes, Danville, U.S.A. D-A-N-V- ...Yeah, D, like in Dantible Varumbie. (The monkey reaches for the phone) I'll only be a minute.


(At the OWCA headquarters, Perry climbs through the vents to the paw print scanner.)
Computer Voice: Biometric scan accepted, security system disabled.
Major Monogram: Agent P! Over here! Oh, good; you got my message. There's no time to lose we have to...
(A container falls from above trapping Perry)
Carl: Very nice, verrrrry nice.
Major Monogram: Carl, you slow clapping fiend!
Carl: I needed Agent P out of the way, so I left you those drinking straws.
Major Monogram: You realize you could have just called him yourself, you do work here.
Carl: I'm over my minutes. But, now, with the boundless power of the mighty OWCA computer, I will bring the Tri-State Area to its knees! I will stop the power stations, de-synchronize all the traffic lights, and yeah! I'll have a vast army of interns do my bidding, each one of them paid!
Major Monogram: You're mad!
Doofenshmirtz: Hey, cool it, man. I think I'm getting a raise. Ooh, ooh, you should give the operation a name, like "Operation: Shared Evil".
Carl: Out!
Doofenshmirtz: Okay, fine. Hm, how 'bout "Operation: Big Old Grouch"?
Carl: I heard that!
Doofenshmirtz: I hope so, because I said it.
(Doofenshmirtz leans against the wall, hitting the release button on Perry's trap)
Carl: You fool, what have you done? (at Perry) You may have escaped, but you're no match for my evil Flynn-Fletcher robots!
Doofenshmirtz: This is really weird. I, I think I may have gone on a date with that one. I had no idea she was a robot at the time.


(At the Uncharted Gorge, Phineas is creating some fanfare for their impending adventure.)
Isabella: Bravo.
Buford: He's totally better than Irving.
Phineas: Thanks Buford. Now that the fanfare's over, what's say we go down into Haijulikani Wadi.
Isabella: Where should we start?
Phineas: Well, first we'll fly down like a graceful condor landing on that rock outcropping. Then, we'll jump over those vines and brachiate like a monkey with our ape like arms. Finally, landing on the slope with our cheetah-like grace. Of course, any other path down would mean instant death.
Buford: That sounds totally doable.

(Candace is on the phone high up in the tree.)
Candace: Jeremy? ...Jeremy?
Jeremy: (on phone) Hello? Candace?
Candace: (at the monkey) It's Jeremy.


(Scene shifts to the OWCA headquarters.)
Carl: Get that monotreme!
(The robots attempt to capture Perry, but he evades them.)
Computer voice: Paw print identified. Password accepted. Computer locked.
Carl: No! He's locked me out of the mainframe! If he gets away, I'll never be able to take over.
Doofenshmirtz: Wow, this is really exciting!
Carl: Don't just stand around, you fool, get him!
Doofenshmirtz: The -inators!
(Doofenshmirtz begins activating the -inators)


Candace: You said you had something important to tell me. What is it?
Jeremy: (on phone) Candace... what I think... I though...we should...break...up.
Candace: What!? Jeremy!? (Close up on Candace) You're breaking up with me!?

Phineas: Alright, everyone. Buford, Baljeet, you guys have the legs.
Baljeet: Now you'll see how brains are used to...
Buford: Move over, nerd. This is a job for brash, unthinking muscle. (He pulls off the control for the legs) Oops.
(The entire Highly Unconventional Vehicle plunges into Haijulikani Wadi.)


Carl: Wait, wait. No, not all the -inators at once.
Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, what did you say?
(All the -inators fire at once at Perry, leaving only a smoking spot behind)
Carl: You fool! What did you do?
Monogram: Agent P!


Maitre D: Flynn-Fletcher, I am sorry. You have no reservation.
(Both Linda and Lawrence gasp)

(Onscreen text)
To be continued...

End credits

(Song: "Evil for Extra Credit")
Carl: I used to put up with too much aggravation
But take a look at me now,
I got a new vocation,
You heard it here first
'Cause I'm the one who said it,
Yeah, I'm evil...
Doofenshmirtz: He's evil!
Carl: I'm evil for extra credit!

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